Why can't I accept this?...

Hi Daktari

I'm so sorry to read that your dad's doctors have only given him a life expectancy of a few months and it's understandable how you're feeling.

As you know the online community is divided up into different support groups so I hope you don't mind me recommending that you join and post in the supporting someone with incurable cancer group which will give you the opportunity to speak to others who are in a similar position to you. If you'd like to do this just click on the link I've created and then join and post in the same way as you did here. 

x

My dad passed away in October this year from terminal cancer, he was given 6mths to live in March 2020, he had 3 different primary cancers and had treatment for all 3 which gave him another year of life, he was 72 when he passed away, i felt exactly like you do last year, I went into autopilot of looking after him, he became my life, I went to live with him, gave up my job and sacrificed seeing my family and friends so he wasn’t alone because of covid. Now he is gone I dont know what to do with myself, I’ve gone back to work part time but can’t get my dad out of my head, I know death is part of life but I can’t accept he’s gone, I love him and miss him so much, I cry everyday and just feel lost. I don’t think we ever accept losing a loved one. I try to be grateful for the time I have had with him but it takes all my energy to try and stay positive I just feel very sad that he suffered from cancer. While your dad is still here treasure every minute of everyday you have with him x

Thank you so much for your message, I am so sorry to hear about your Dad..sending you love and best wishes xx ...it's so comforting to know I am not the only person who feels like this, my Dad has been my rock for all of my life, he has always been there for me, a constant in an otherwise uncertain world, i know I am so lucky to have had him in my life for this long ...it's so hard to see how much he has deteriorated over the last couple of months but he says he is not in pain at the moment so that's one good thing xx

Thank you for replying to me, I know how you feel my dad was the only person I trusted and could confide in, he would always give me his opinion and advice he always said it’s my life and I have to decide what to do! Now he’s gone I feel so alone as he always helped me make decisions in my life and now I have to do it on my own. I think the hardest thing in the last month of dads life was watching him deteriorate, it was as if the cancer had taken him away from me before he actually died, I try to remember him before the cancer but that was 2 years ago, all my memories right now are images in my head of what he went through, I can’t even get comfort from the fact that I was with him through it all, seeing him have treatment, blood tests, biopsy’s taking him to his appointments and sitting with him in hospital day and night when allowed to just doesn’t cut it. I felt so helpless watching him have treatment. On a positive because I try to find a positive, my dad wanted to die at home and when the treatment he was receiving wasn’t working dad wanted to go home from Hospital and that’s what we did, he died at home in his safe place with me and my sister beside him. 

I know exactly what you mean, I feel like I am already grieving for my Dad...yes you definitely have to look for positives and I know in time you will be able to remember all the wonderful times you had with your Dad before cancer took him from you.

My Mum died 8 years ago and for a long time when I thought of her all I could picture in my head was the last time I saw her (when she had passed away but was still lying in a hospital bed) but in time I was able to think of all the lovely times we spent together and I know you will too, it just takes a while  xxx

All I can say to you is spend as much time with your dad as you can and reminisce about the times you had fun me and dad laughed and cried together over the daft things we had done!