Im led here crying my eyes out and I need to vent somewhere people will understand.
my mum had kidney cancer twenty years ago, she recovered ok. I lost my dad to non hodgekins lymphoma 11 years ago. Diagnosis was late, he had less than 3 months, it was horrible, aggressive and he died at home with my mum. I feel guilty as I was away when he passed but came home the same day. My mum and I were always close but we became inseparable after this. I helped with everything and we spent loads of time together.
Three years ago I was diagnosed with two different cancers in my appendix, I had two major operations and a long heavy dose of oxy-cap. This totally broke me, Ive gone from a hard working full on people/party person to a fatigued very depressed stay in. All through this my mum was there for me, she came to every appointment sometimes waiting five hours whilst I had my chemo. She was amazing. The strongest kindest most amazing woman I have ever known. She was my heroine and was always there for me no matter what.
Then before lockdown she was diagnosed with secondary brain tumour. She had an awful operation that went really wrong, haemorrhage for six hours, but she pulled through as only she could. I then became her support, we were there for each other. Our bond was so strong. I took her to her appointments, she started chemo but this almost killed her after two treatments, she then had six weeks of radiation therapy which did flip all. She then started immunotherapy which was starting to shrink the tumour we were sooo thrilled and happy. Im still a bit angry as I wanted them to try this first but was told this was a last resort. Then in march she passed away. I knew she was poorly over the weekend and I went round on Monday morning and found her dead on her bedroom floor.
Ever since i am struggling to cope. I feel totally like I’m treading water in a big dark scary ocean and theres no end in sight. My grief has got better but ,,, sometimes I want to not wake up as I know every day is full of loss, hopelessness and feeling so depressed. I keep seeing her dead on the floor, I feel crap because I know she wouldnt want me to feel so sad.
I struggle getting out due to my mental health and effects from my surgery ( right collorectal surgery) I have no friends, I have a great partner though who is a total rock. I have not worked since my diagnosis. Sorry for the massive post but I know macmillon have been great to me and I need to get this out to people who know and understand. I just want to feel better, I want the grief to ease, I want to feel some happiness I want to become a strong passionate person again and I worry that this will not be the case. I really miss my mum xx
Hi Awesome Mix
Welcome to the community. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your mum. This is an amazing story of two very brave women supporting each other through everything. You can take great comfort from all of the support that you gave your mum and from knowing that this would have given her great comfort as well. Sometimes it is hard to forget the picture of finding a loved one who has passed. However, your mum would not have wanted you there when she did pass because she knew that this would be even more upsetting long term and she passed on her own to protect you.
Your mum will always be around you and will try to guide and support you as best she can. Talk to her whenever and wherever you want - even little things such as "Oooh, it's cold out today" You have to open yourself up to accept any signs she will send to let you know she is there and listening. These could be anything (you will know when it is a sign) such as finding an unexpected white feather, radio / tv retuning, finding a long lost item of your mums. Visit one of her favourite places such as the local park on your own, talk to her and wait quietly to see if any wild bird comes extremely close which will be her way of saying "Hi, I'm here" Ask her to comfort you, tell her how much you miss and her and ask her guidance - she will find a way, even small ways, to help.
A great way to express your emotions is to write them down - nobody else needs to see them and you can keep or destroy them to suit you. It could be helpful to start a memory book about your mum including happy stories and sad ones. You could include stories of your childhood, stories your mum told you of her childhood, stories from other relatives and from some of your mums friends. Include lots of photos. You can compile this yourself or do it with others present and talk openly about all your feelings and let your emotions flow. Your own mind will help you to develop coping strategies so that over time the pain does not go but you will be able to deal with it and situations (triggers) more easily.
If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat. You can use this link your area to find support near where you live. This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential.
Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.
There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.
This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back. This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.
This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.
Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.
Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.
Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around
the corner .......
All is well.
Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.
David
Hi Awesome Mix
Happy to help. Remember that you can post whenever you want and someone will respond. Also you can call the helpline which is open 8 - 8 365 days inc Christmas Day. Here are a couple more links you can look at specifically for your fatigue -
Fatigue - Macmillan webpage
Fatigue - downloadable Macmillan book
You can contact the community team on community@macmillan.org.uk to find out about becoming a community champ.
Take care, have a wonderful Christmas and sending you another hug.
David
