Coping with the loss of my Mother

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2020 was a very bad year for most. Hopes that 2021 would be better were short lived for me. The worst thing happened, we found out my mum had stage 3 cancer. I got the dreaded call to say mum had fell out of bed and looked to have had a stroke. This was in June and by September she had died. My head is finding this really hard to come to terms with. My heart is broken as I was there to watch my mum take her last breath. She had had mini strokes which were caused by the cancer in her belly. We never got to the point of trying to treat her as things just went down hill so quickly. She got to come home as there was no longer anything they could do for her. She was sent home and got there at 2pm and by 4pm she had died. We did not expect it to be that quick. We all thought we had more time than a few hours with her.

I feel let down by the NHS as the care my mum received towards the end was nil to none. I am starting to find my daily things hard. I find I no longer have the patience I once had and find I feel angry all the time. This is now affecting my family as they are walking on egg shells around me.

I don't know how to cope with the loss of my mum. Is there anyone that is feeling the same?

I find it hard to talk to family and friends so thought I would try it this way.

Any help, or stories will be much apricated to try and help me come to terms and start to deal with the loss I am feeling.

  • Hi Marie

    Welcome to the community.  I'm sorry to hear about the recent loss of your mum.

    Everything you are experiencing is a normal part of the grieving process.  We all grieve in our own way and at our own speed so there are no right or wrongs.  You can take great comfort from being there with your mum when she passed.  Your mum will also have had great comfort from this and it would have made her passing more emotionally peaceful.  Your mum will always be around you and will try to support and guide you as best she can.  Talk to her all the time - even little things such as "Oooh it's cold today".  Visit one of her favourite places on your own such as the local park and talk to her there.  Your mum will always find a way to let you know she is near and listening - you just have to open yourself to any signs she may send.  A sign could be finding an unexpected white feather, radio / tv retuning, finding a long lost item of your mums or, if in the park, a wild bird coming extremely close. Tell you mum how you are feeling and ask her to comfort you and sit quietly awaiting any feeling of calm and peace which she will send.

    A great way to express you emotions is to write them down and no one else has to see these if you don't want them to.  Start a memory book about your mum including stories from your childhood, stories from her childhood, stories from other relatives and your mums friends and lots of photos.  If you do this with the family it can be a great way of talking openly with each other and expressing your emotions together so you all understand how each other is feeling.  Include stories that are happy but also sad stories to give a true picture.  It can be as detailed or as simple as you want but it will help you express your emotions and be a keepsake for the future.

    I can't comment on the NHS as I don't know the full details but if things happened so fast and your mums cancer was so advanced then maybe they did the only thing they could.  Remember that everything happens for a reason, if your mum had stayed in hospital then the treatment could make her feel more ill or she may have passed without her family around.  You had the blessing of her passing in her own home with family around her which would have pleased her.

    If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat.  You can use this link your area to find support near where you live.  This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential. 

    Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.

    There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.

    This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back.  This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.

    This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.

    Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -

    Death is nothing at all.

    I have only slipped away into the next room.

    I am I and you are you.

    Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.

    Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.

    Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

    Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.

    Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.

    Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.

    Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.

    Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?

    I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around

    the corner .......

    All is well.

    Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.

    David

  • Hi Marie, I know how you are feeling. I lost my Mum back in July ( although feels like yesterday),  after finding out the day before she had Cancer... I was given info on the Monday an estimated of 4- 12 weeks to live and she lasted 24 hours...... I too was there with her for her last breathe, same as I had with my Dad 10 years previous. My older Sister lives abroad and was as much help at both times as a chocolate fire guard. By the time her cancer was diagnosed it was everywhere, Lungs, lymph nodes, 3 other organs, spine and possibly elsewhere. I had so many Feelings in the first few weeks..... Angry ( with EVERYONE) I was the only one to organise her funeral, so pressure, let down by family,abandoned,  guilty, still feel guilty.!! And as executor to her Will, I had the Beneficiaries ( 3 Grandchildren) a week after the funeral in August, wondering what they were getting and when. 

    I'm dreading Christmas, but days aren't spent as angry as they were, but I still have to sort/ sell the house we lived in for 51 years, so can't say they won't get bad again. I try starting each as a new not a continuation, and tell myself it's going to be a better one..... It does calm down in time, but you have to make that decision.

    sending my best wishes

    Julia X

  • Hi Marie

    so sorry for your loss I can relate I lost my dad in September. He started getting pains June & things just went so quickly downhill one thing after another he had heart attack, cancer spread was nothing could do. Their was talk of him coming home even come to look at house to see how would work. But in end he went in hospice & we are so glad he did the care,kindness & treatment he got their was a lot better then hospital. 
    my hubby didn’t seem to understand the pain I’m going though in fact even said last night everything all about me! Yes of course it is I’ve just spent 5 months watching my dad die & it’s all about me. Said wait till he losses his parents then maybe he will understand. I’m so upset, angry Christmas is not going to be the same. Even though I’m trying for my kids. 

    steph x 

  • Hi Julia,

    Thank you for taking you time to read my post. I am so sorry for your loss. Everyday I try to say this will be a better day but that never really seems to be the case.

    The anger is what i struggle with the most, i just see read before I have even had the chance to count to 10. I am also really not looking forward to Christmas. It used to be all my mums doing so this year will be very different. 

    I suppose we have to find a way to cope with the loss but just not really sure how at the moment.

    Sending you my best wishes 

    Marie  

  • Hi Steph,

    Thank you for sharing your story.

    I too sometimes wonder if my husband thinks I make things all about me. I know he has been walking on eggshells all the time due to me getting angry at him for stupid little things. I find myself feeling very alone with my feelings. He has both his parents and I don't think anyone can really understand until they have dealt with something similar.

    Watching my mum die was one of the hardest things a child will ever have to do. I just feel cheated and hard to move past the loss. She was far too young!

    I think this is going to be one of the hardest Christmas (even with covid last year) to deal with and not looking forward to as they say making it all about me! Got to try and push through for my child I suppose

    Sending you good wishes 

    Marie 

  • Yes watching my dad die was hardest thing ever done & I used to be a senior care assistant,but it’s not the same when it’s your parent. How old was your mum? My dad was 71 & he was due to have a party for his 70 but was cancelled due to covid & was hoping to of had it this year instead but cause then cancer put paid to that. 
    it’s things like him not being their for Christmas & also would been my parents wedding anniversary 15 dec 48 years was hoping to make their 50. Then also thinking he won’t be their when I turn 50. My brother s birthday was not long after he died & I just thinking it’s not bloody fair. 
    steph x 

  • Marie, I understand the Anger side... To the extent, we had a new cute puppy and every time I looked at her, I could picture throwing her against the wall.! Obviously I didn't, but like you I saw Red.... I also couldn't talk to my Son for a while, as he too is a beneficiary in my Mums Will, I was classing him the same as my greedy Niece and Nephew, being money grabbers...

    i came to a partial conclusion for the anger, over and above the behaviour of other family members, including my Sister,... I was angry at my Mum.!!!!! I use tell her out loud how much I disliked her at the moment for dying, leaving me to sort out her crap, and everything else I could blame her for. If It was a really bad day, I would shout top of my voice. maybe writing your thoughts down could help, worth a try.

    as far as Christmas is concerned, I don't know your family situation, but maybe shake up Xmas if you can.... Don't do what you normally do, go for a walk along the beach Xmas day, have a picnic out, if with family do buffet dinner..... Just change things up however it helps.

    i am sorry for your loss, but OUR Mums wouldn't want us carrying on like this. Always here to chat, be kind to yourself.

    julia x