My beautiful step mum

Hello all, 

I lost my step mum two weeks ago due to a glioblastoma brain tumour. She had a 4 and a half year battle with brain cancer, on the first occurrence it was treated with surgery, radiotherapy and 6 months of chemotherapy and she recovered very well. She had little neurological impairment following this apart from some short term memory impairment and sequencing issues and after a short time she managed to get back to running, which was something that has always brought her great joy. She even managed to complete numerous half marathons like an absolute champion! Her first reoccurrence came 3 years later and was again treated with surgery and 6 months of chemotherapy. While the tumour was successfully removed she suffered a stroke during the surgery which left her with some residual left sided weakness. Her recovery was much more difficult due to high levels or pain and feelings of nausea following head movements. However, she managed to get back to a stage where she was back out walking and enjoying life with her friends and family. 

Her most recent reoccurrence of the glioblastoma was 6 weeks ago and we were devastatingly told was non-operable and that she only had 2-3 months to live. I was signed off work and spent the time caring for her at home along with my family and sadly things progressed much quicker than anyone thought and she passed away within 5 weeks of coming home from hospital. She quickly lost her mobility, functional abilities, ability to speak effectively and had progressive confusion in which periods  where she was lucid became further and further apart. She slept more and more towards the end of her life and passed away peaceful at home with us. I take comfort in the amazing work the palliative care team provided which meant she was comfortable and without pain in her last moments. While we were always told that her form of brain cancer was incurable and she had already defined the odds of her prognosis (which is usually 12 months for her type of cancer) I still somehow thought this day wouldn't actually come. 

I still can't believe that she's really gone. I feel like everything happened so quickly that I haven't been able to fully process it all yet and the only memories of her that come to my mind are the last few weeks during the end of her life. I go through periods of feeling okay while out distracted with friends, to then the pain being unbearable, and then periods of feeling flat/ numb. I guess I never really understood the term "grief comes in waves" until I was going through it myself! While i'm still living with family, everyone is at different stages in the grieving process therefore it makes me feel quite isolated and lonely at times. I have some great friends who have been a massive support, however apart from one of my friends who's father has recently passed, not many people in my friendship group have yet had to go through the death of a parental figure as we are still in our late twenties. 

While our days have started to return to some form of normality, I feel overwhelmed at carrying on life without her and that this in some way feels like leaving her behind. I feel that being around all my friends and family who knew about the circumstances has been so comforting as they have been able to be gentle and kind with me. This makes me worried about going back into the world with people who wont have the same understanding while i'm still feeling so vulnerable. Getting back to normal life feels especially overwhelming as I will need to move back down to London for work so my home, social support and routine will all be different. Does anyone have any advice  or experiences of getting back to life? 

Thank you for reading