Hello everyone
I'm not a person to share my feelings but I lost my father in January 2021 after a very short fight with stomach cancer. My mum and Dad were together for 53 years and been a great source of joy and laughter in our lives. When dad was diagnosed in September 2020 after being admitted for chest pain it was a totally shock for the words cancer to be mentioned. When the doctor told us , all I can remember is my dad crying inconsolably, saying he's gong to die. That thought is constantly on repeat in my mind as my dad was always a carefree happy person. I cant every remember seeing him so emotional.
I reassured mum and dad that I would be there every step of the way and we would fight this together. I live 260 miles away , have a very demanding job, husband , children and grandchildren who I help care for but I kept to my promise. I drove the 260 miles to take him to every appointment , meeting , treatments and to speak with his care team and collect medications etc. My mum gave him the personal care that was required with my help in lifting I'm in and out of bed etc whilst I gave her physical and emotional support throughout. my dad would hold my hand when mum was out the room telling me he knew he was dying but he was worried about mum and how she would be once he was gone . I promised him that I would be there for mum just as I had been there for them both during his illness.
During the final days my dad suffered terribly, he was constantly vomiting and spitting out awful secretions which smelt like death . Through out all this dad never complained once. I'm a doer and put all my effort into getting him the medical attention he needed, as this was during Covid this wasn't an easy task . every request was met with " due to covid" etc.
My dad passed away at 0645 hours with mum and I holding his hands and my head on his chest until his heart beat no more. I wasn't able to let dad go therefore I sat with him for hours , washing him, holding his hand and talking to him until 6 hours later I finally called the undertakers who took him away .
Since that day I cried buckets of tears but feel so disconnected from my family , hobbies, friends work. nothing gives me hope or joy as there doesn't appear to be much point of anything . I 've learnt to act at work as I want something to continue as it did before . No one knows my dad there so I can put on the act that I m ok and coping . My family have noticed how quiet and disconnected I am but I cant talk to anyone about how utterly pointless things seem to be as I don't want them to worry.
I cant look back and think of any fond memories of my dad other than his final weeks , This saddens me so much as I ve had many happy years with Dad.
I ve taken over all mums bill paying and house stuff etc as dad use to do all that for her .
Am I suffering ptsd or is this normal .
Hi Goodgirlgonesad
Welcome to the community. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your dad.
You can take great comfort for everything you did for your dad since his original diagnosis. This would have given him great comfort and, despite the physical suffering, would have made his emotional more peaceful. He will also know how much you are doing for your mum and this will make him feel happier knowing that she is being cared for in this way. Your dad will always be around you and will always try to guide and support as best he can. Talk to him often regardless of where you are or what you are doing. Even little things like mentioning the weather or being stuck in traffic. He will always try to find a way to respond to you and you have to open yourself up to these signs. They could be straight away or a few days late - finding an unexpected white feather, radio / tv retuning, finding a long lost object. Visit one of your dads favourite places such as the local park and talk to him there telling him how you feel and ask him to comfort you. Open yourself to a calm feeling and wait - you may get a wild bird come and site extremely close. This will be his way of saying "I'm here, watching and listening"
We all grieve in our own way and at our own speed so there are no rights or wrongs or time limit. The memories you have are because they are still so fresh and traumatic. Over time your own mind will find ways to bring back happier memories and find coping strategies to deal with the bad memories. Grief is like a roller coaster with lots of ups and downs. Initially you may have the occasional extreme highs and lows but over time these will gradually get smaller until it is virtually level with only the occasional up or down. Do you have a best friend who is not family who you could go away with for a relaxing weekend just to recharge? If they are a true best friend they will accept any moods you may have, let you talk, get angry and just give you a hug. I guess your workplace has been very understanding allowing you all the time you need for helping your dad - could you ask their HR if they have anyone who could just sit and listen while you have a rant with tears so that you can get some of it out of your system. You could also try in small ways to talk to work colleagues about your dad and eventually bring it round to mentioning how he passed. Most will applaud you for everything you have doing and are still doing.
A great way to express all your emotions is to start a memory book and it will also be a great keepsake for you children and grandchildren. Make it your new hobby and make it your goal to give this to your grandchildren. Include stories which are happy or sad, stories from your childhood, stories from your dads childhood, stories from other relatives, stories from any of your dads friends and lots of photos. You can do this alone or with family members. No one has to see anything you write if you don't want them to as most of it will be your own personal feelings. Doing it as a family will be a great for everyone to share memories - happy and sad - and express their emotions together.
If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat. You can use this link your area to find support near where you live. This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential.
Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.
There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.
This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back. This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.
This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.
Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.
Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.
Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around
the corner .......
All is well.
Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.
David
