My lovely Dad...

Hi Daktari welcome to the forum. I am not surprised that toy are feeling overwhelmed, Cancer tends to have that effect, it invades our lives when we least expect it and turns upside down all that we know and love and causes chaos with all our emotions.

Why should you be able to accept this? This is your Dad we are talking about, a man that has been a constant in your life since you were small and I imagine if you are like me and how I was with my Dad, your hero and mainstay in life. It doesnt' matter what age they are they are ours and we want them to be there forever. So I suppose what I am trying to say to you is that what and how you feel is perfectly ok Just take each day as it comes and spend as much time as you can with your Dad making happy memories together. xxxx 

Thank you so much for your reply, Dad certainly has been my rock, for all of my life, he has always been there for me and the world seemed a safer and nicer place because he was there...

I recently found out that my dad might not make it to see Christmas. I’m only 27, he’s 59 and he has been protecting me for four years through kidney cancer. He didn’t let on that he was diagnosed stage 4 and he also didn’t let on that it has spread to his leg and lower spine. I feel numb, I can’t stop crying as much as I am trying to stay positive and hope he comes out of hospital I’m so scared I won’t get to see him. 
I feel like I sound selfish but I hate that he won’t walk me down the aisle on my wedding day, he won’t see me have children of my own and be an amazing grandad to them like he is an amazing grandad to my brothers son. I used to have nightmares of people taking my organs, now I have nightmares they won’t take my kidney for my dad. How selfish am I?? 

I am so sorry to hear of the newe of your dad, you have no reason to accept this, it’s entirely unfair and it absolutely sucks. I wish you time and health and I hope you manage to heal from this horrible news and I wish you all the strength in dealing with this. 
I wish you all the best. 

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad.

I am 34 and my dad turned 60 in May. 

He also has stage 4 cancer but in the bowel and it spread to his lung and liver.

He has had 2 amazing years since diagnosis in Oct 19 and he has been doing well up untill recently, he is going downhill dramatically and today he asked me to put him in a hospice. He spent 3 weeks in hospital and was discharged yesterday, but this is fairly out of the blue and I am terrified.

I am not ready for this and am utterly heart broken. I dont know what to do with myself, my 6 year old is besotted with her grampy as am I he is my hero. I cant lose him I just cant.

I dont know what to do or how to deal with it. I am struggling so bad and I've not even hit the hardest part yet. 

I am here If you would like to talk. X

I am so very sorry to hear about your Dad, i know your heart must be breaking, we are never ready to say goodbye are we and I know just what you mean, my Dad is my hero too...I am really struggling too, feel like I am already grieving for him ...I keep bursting into tears and struggling to focus on anything else apart from my Dad, and as you say we haven't even reached the hardest part yet,  I feel I should be able to deal with it but I am not coping at all well  (at least my Dad has reached a very good age, it's so unfair for you to lose your Dad at such a young age, you should have had many more lovely, happy years together, and I am so sorry that you have been cheated of that) ...

Sending love to you and your family xx

Sorry for the delayed reply.

It’s honestly the worst feeling when they’re doing so well or it seems like they’re doing so well and then all of a sudden to just go downhill so rapidly your brain can’t keep up or comprehend it. 
I was told recently my dad shouldn’t of even made 3 months from his first diagnosis, so to get just over 4 years is incredible and I do feel lucky but it’s still far too soon. Just far too soon. 

I have a nephew who is 4 and he was my dads world. He kept him active and feeling young he would let my nephew get into any mischief he wanted, he could open any cupboard doors haha. And we have told him that my dad was poorly and is now a star. My dad loved astronomy so we are handing down his telescope to him. 

I hope this brings you some comfort … I cry at pretty much most things. My tear ducts have a mind of their own. I can be watching soaps Corrie / eastenders that sort of thing and I will be in tears at any sad moment. But sat in the hospital holding my dads hand at the side of his bed. He wasn’t able to talk but he held onto my hand. I didn’t cry once. I have no idea how I didn’t but something came over me that this was my chance to protect him now and make sure he didn’t see me sad as it’s what he fought hard for. So I hope you realise that should the time come you will be stronger than you think. Crying is not weakness in anyway, getting up and getting through a day is strength.
Make sure you keep yourself healthy. Even just taking a shower will keep your mind fresher. Don’t let yourself spiral and keep talking. Please don’t keep things in because you will burst. 

We have the funeral date set now for 3rd December I’m dreading it but I’m getting things sorted where needed I’ve sorted finances etc. 

my brother let people know via Facebook of my dads passing and I was inundated with messages of condolences which was tough, but also gave me comfort in how loved my dad was, I have messages from people saying he would talk about his kids all the time etc and how wonderful he was. But be prepared, it is hard to get those texts it makes it real, but accept them for how lovely they will be and the people that care for you. 

if you need anything please reach out. x

Sorry for the delayed reply. Been sorting arrangements.

I noticed you mentioned you haven’t reached the hardest part but don’t put it like that. The hardest part of this is finding out they have cancer, be that a loved one whichever member of the family it may be or even a friend. Remember, you are getting up each day and you are doing your dad so proud by just doing that. No one will expect any more of you and if they do they aren’t supposed to be in your life. 
I 100% understand your feeling of grieving him already that is normal because cancer has taken a small tiny part of your dad away from you already. Similar to the dementia disease really if you think about it. Relatives of anyone with that disease mention they grieve their loved ones before they’ve gone. 

I got advice from one of my closest friends who had a similar experience and lost their dad at a young age… it was “just talk to him”. Go in to your dad and have honest talks about is there anything he wants to do, anything he regrets, any wishes he has for funerals etc. it is one of THE hardest conversations you will need to have with your dad but will hopefully guide you in the right direction to deal with it when the time comes. You won’t be in the dark. 
She mentioned that when she did that herself, her dad opened up about an awful lot and she learnt things about his time in the army she didn’t know about. Now she holds onto them memories. 

Every reaction you have at the moment of crying, lack of concentration, mind racing is completely normal. No one SHOULD be able to deal with this shit show. But you know what… you will. In time. Whether that be 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years or more. No body can tell you when to deal with it but you. And eventually you will. 

please please go easy on yourself, your dad would not want you feeling this way. 
you truly are doing amazing. Even just talking about your feelings is immensely strong of you to do. 

Also, I am a true believer that no one is ever gone if you continue to remember them. 

sending much love and strength. We will hold each other up. Please keep talking if you need to. X