i lost my Mum 13th July to Cancer, after finding out the day before she had it, and week after her going into hospital with a suspected urine infection.... Because of Covid and distance of where we both lived, I hadn't seen my Mum since Christmas 2019, until 6th July.!!
how bad am I feeling.!!?? Hugely... Should've, would've, could've..... I sat with her on her last day, until she took her last breath and then I returned to the Family home where she had lived on her own since losing my Dad 10 years previous, but had lived in the same house for 51years.
my older Sister lives in Spain, so it was my responsibility to organise funeral arrangements, as it interrupted her sun and swim times.!
I'm still very angry, soooo short tempered with everyone, but so emotional.... on a hour, day, week, roller coaster, sometimes I'm not sure WHO I am anymore, also an Executor to her Will, I still have lots of "business" stuff to do,.. Clearing house etc, for sale, on behalf of beneficiaries.
I'm hoping someone tells me this is normal 
Hi JuDoo
Welcome to the community. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your mum.
Even if you had been with your mum 24/7 the whole 18 months there would still be lots of should've, could've. This is a normal part of the grieving process because we all feel if we had done something different the loved one would still be here. These should've and could've's are what can lead to the bad temper, irritation with everything and everyone. We all grieve in our own way and at our own speed so there are no rights or wrongs. Your own mind will guide you through everything and when you need a break your mind will make this happen - even just stepping outside for a quick 5 minutes of fresh air. The grieving process is one long roller coaster with some extreme lows and some big highs. Over time as you learn coping strategies to deal with things (you will get the occasional blip even many years down the line) these highs and lows will become almost a flat line.
You can take great comfort from being with your mum during her last day and this would have made her passing more peaceful knowing you where there beside her. She will always be around you to help support and guide you as best she can but you may not always notice. She will try to send signs to you to let you know she is there - finding an unexpected white feather, radio / tv retuning or if you are stick with a decision she will try to intervene and guide the correct way. Talk to your mum whenever and wherever you want - even little things such as when you are watching tv just say "It's started raining - again!" Each time you speak she will feel the love you have for her and you will feel that you are being comforted by your mum. Visit one of her favourite places on your own and talk to her there and see if there is a response. You have to open yourself up to any responses she may send and accept them for what they are. Remember she also has a lot of catching up to do with your dad so she may be a bit busy at times.
Sorting all the business side of things is very hard because you have the legal side and all the emotional side hitting you at the same time. Some things (utilities, council tax, pensions, banks) have to be resolved as quickly as possible from a legal point of view. However, things like sorting everything in the house and then selling the house you can take as long as you like. Do this in small stages to gradually get used to the idea and not suffer too much emotional stress in one go. Ask you mum to be there with you to comfort you and guide with doing everything - for instance ask her what charity (if any) she would want her clothes donated to; the next day you may receive something through the post from a charity such as the local dog home. This will be a sign from your mum to give everything to them and they can use some for bedding and sell others for funds.
If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat. You can use this link your area to find support near where you live. This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential.
Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.
There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.
This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back. This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.
This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.
Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.
Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.
Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around
the corner .......
All is well.
Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.
David
Hi Julia
As mentioned sorting the house is very difficult due to emotional and legal stress it can cause. Do you have anyone who can help such as your partner or a close friend? Maybe contacting your local CAB for legal advice may help.
You can ring the support line on 0808 808 0000, 8:00 am to 6:00pm, Mon - Fri ask for the Financial Guidance Team (options 1, 2, 1) to have a free and confidential chat on legal and financial issues. You can ring as many times each day / week to get the help you need and can guide through any processes you need help with.
i suggest, if you haven't already, create a to do list of things such as who you have to inform, what needs to be done and mark on the list that item 4 can only be done after resolving item 7 - the list doesn't have to be in order - then you will have a clearer picture of what needs doing and in what order. When a solicitor says do this, add it to your list and check if something else needs doing first to accomplish it and ask them for as much info as possible such as who you have to contact, what evidence you will need.
If you are the sole executor then apart from certain legal things such as utilities, insurance, council tax and banks then i think it should be up to you how long you take unless there is something in the will which states everything needs to be completed within a time frame. If people keep badgering you tell them you are doing the best you can and that things are being dealt with by external bodies which takes time ie insurance companies.
Keep asking your mum to guide you through this and comfort you when you are feeling stressed out - she will find ways to help and support you. While clearing the house, pick something up and say "That reminds me of that stupid film last night, it was boring but there was little else on the other channels" This will help you to get some of your emotions out of your system and again your mum will try to find a way to respond such as finding a long lost book that you can read instead of watching a rubbish film.
Wishing you all the best with this and sending you another hug.
David
