Hi, new here.
Feeling little lost in this "cycle of grief" my mum had a terminal diagnosis and so we had 6months with her during lockdown with many restrictions she died May this year.
I now find myself in November and think I cried more when she was alive (during her last 6months) I find myself questioning when will my floodgates open and cry like everyone else, but mine comes in small waves.
This week after getting my3 kid's through a combined 6 weeks off sickness......all I wanted was to crawl into my Mother's arms and fall asleep next to her on her bed.
Miss you so much Mum and all the love you gave me, no one will ever love me the way you do xxxx
Hi Debz
Welcome to the community. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your mum.
Don't worry about the small waves - it would be much worse if there were no waves. We all grieve in different ways and at different speeds so there are no rights or wrongs. You can take great comfort for having those 6 months with your mum despite restrictions. She would have gained so much comfort also and this would have made her passing more peaceful. Your family will be a top priority but you also have to allow yourself to grieve so that you don't become too ill and unable to be there for them. This is a fine balancing act but you have to let your own mind decide what is right for you and allow yourself to grieve whenever and where ever you want.
Your mum will always be around you and will try to support and guide you as best she can. Talk to her as much as you want - quietly in a supermarket ask her advice about a product or visit one of her favourite places and talk out loud. When alone in the house talk to her as much as you like even trivial things like "Oh it's tipping down again" She will always find a way to let you know she is near by sending a sign which can take a few days to happen. You may find a white feather unexpectedly, radio / tv may retune themselves, you may find a long lost item of your mums, you may want to go out and find your umbrella waiting for you even though you can't remember getting it out - this will be your mum warning you of rain. You have to open yourself up to see and accept these signs and know where they are coming from. When you experience something like this just say a quick "Thanks mum" and carry on.
You don't mention what ages your children are but have you thought of a memory book? You can do this alone and only you will see it or you could involve the whole family. Writing is a great way to express your emotions and doing it together means you can share stories and tears together and all gain the benefits. You can include stories from your childhood, stories about your mums childhood, stories from other relatives and some of your mums friends. Include lots of photos as well - not just of your mum but her favourite places, flowers, foods, clothes. As well as expressing your emotions it will be a great keepsake for your children's future to look back on.
If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat. You can use this link your area to find support near where you live. This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential.
Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.
There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.
This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back. This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.
This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.
Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.
Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.
Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around
the corner .......
All is well.
Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.
David
