My brother who emigrated to OZ died 8 years ago aged 49 leaving a wife and two teenage children. I never travelled to OZ when he was alive which is my one regret in life as he often asked me and my family to visit. I always used the excuse that we couldn't afford it or that I'm scared of flying but of course now I wish I had gone. I probably always thought I would have years ahead of us to visit. His daughter gets married next year and we'll all be invited to the wedding. My parents both died in the past 7 years so we would be the only ones from the UK that would go and my husband and children are keen to go. I, however, would find it so emotional that everything about the trip would remind me of my brother and that would upset me so much. I still find it difficult to talk about what he went through (he was given 6 months totally out of the blue). But I know that the day isn't about me, it's about my niece but I think I would spoil it for everyone because I would probably be in constant tears. Things like her mum would walk her down the aisle and do the speech when it should be my brother. Anyone been in the same situation that could maybe give me some ideas of how to deal with this? Thanks in anticipation. x
Hi Step100
Welcome to the community. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your brother.
It is easy to look back with hindsight and say if only I had gone to visit, if only he came here, if only hadn't gone in the first place. I believe that everything happens for a reason and if you were meant to go then it would have happened. Explain to your niece about how you feel about everything and tell her you will be upset and want to her to understand how traumatic it will be. At the same time you can explain that you are there for her and will support her every step of the way. The wedding and afterwards would be traumatic for you even if you had visited your brother before he passed because it is all part of the grieving process. Your husband and children will be there with you to help support and comfort you throughout your whole stay.
Your brother will still be around you and will also try to support and help you as best he can. Talk to him - maybe alone at one of his favourite places - and ask him to help you. Open yourself to any sign that he may send to let you know he is near and will help you. The sign could be a white feather unexpectedly found somewhere, radio / tv retuning to his favourite, finding some long lost item belonging to your brother. Start a memory book about your brother filling it with stories from his childhood, stories from other relatives, some of your brothers friends in the UK and lots of photos. You could do this on your own and let no one else see it or work with others on it. You could take it with you and show his family in OZ who may not have seen some of the photos or heard some of the stories. Ask them to help you with stories and photos they have. This could become a regular correspondence between you all and you could each have a copy of everything.
If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat. You can use this link your area to find support near where you live. This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential.
Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.
There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.
This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back. This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.
This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.
Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.
Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.
Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around
the corner .......
All is well.
Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.
David
