My Mum, My Best Friend, My Soul Mate, My Adviser and My Go too has gone…
I’m absolutely devastated and the feeling of pain is off the scale. I am very Angry with the Doctors and Macmillan’s.
Mum was doing great, although her pain in the mornings from about 7-11am was awful for her. She had a syringe driver which was giving Morphine slowly over a 12hr period, she was taking three gabipents a day, Oramrph (5mls) every four hours with 2 paracetamols, she had finished her steroids. Because the pain was so bad in the mornings the nurses(community nurses) coming to change the driver, could also give her an injection of morphine (which she had nearly every morning) once 11ish came she could get out of bed, used the bathroom, and get down stairs (using stair lift) and throughout the day she pottered about sorting draws, ect.. but because the morning pain was so painful the Macmillan’s decided to up all medication, so Monday morning Mum started on 6 gabipentins a day(normally 3) the syringe driver was upped the injections still happened and the Oramorph was upped to 15mls (was 5mls) every fours hours, paracetamol stayed the same.
when the Macmillan’s phoned Mum to let her know what she could take, Mum was worried about all the amount she was taking, but was reassured by the Macmillan’s this was ok.
Tuesday arrived and mum felt a little groggy but no pain, she got up and did her normal routine. That afternoon she called me at work to say don’t pop in after work come after tea, cos she felt tired and was going up to bed for a Nanna nap!
so after work I went home, made tea for the family, and I text mum to make sure she was up and ok, she said yes, all ok. She had eaten her tea and was felling fine. Told her I would be up about 8pm.
At 7:40, my step dad (who’s 83) called me and said that Mum was having difficulty breathing and asked me to come, I was already with shoes on ready to go up for 8pm, he had also phoned an ambulance, when me and my husband arrived my step dad was coming down stairs on the phone to the ambulance again to find out where they were and he said to me.. think she’s gone kid… I ran upstairs to find my mum laid on the floor in the recovery position, I shouted Mum, but nothing, so I rolled her over cleaned out the airway and started compressions. What seemed like forever the ambulance arrived and the paramedics came in, which was when I stopped doing cpr, but they asked if I could carry on which I did. But then after a few more she placed her hand on mine and said.. sorry but think that’s enough she had gone.
my world came crashing down and there was nothing I could do to stop it. My mum had gone.
I know there are stages of grief and one is angry, Macmillan’s told mum every time they saw her or spoke to her said that she was not at end of life, and we see people everyday and you are far from that. as mum always said she wanted to die in a hospice.
She was 65yrs old, and was not ready to go. Why didn’t the Macmillan’s come to see her about medication and the doctor why didn’t he come out as he wrote the prescription, without seeing her… surly someone should have been to see her before everything was upped at the same time.
cancer messes up everyone’s life, and it needs to stop it’s so cruel.
I feel lost, alone, angry, & upset x
Hi Waltdisney, Just read your post and I can completely understand why you feel like that … it was heartbreaking to read. How are you doing now ? I lost my mum 10 days ago and my story is not dissimilar to yours in that we were completely unprepared for what happened .. . Muharram a pain which she thought was scar tissue after breast cancer surgery 18 years ago but she was diagnosed with a new primary lung cancer . We were told that she had the ‘ better ‘ type of cancer snd that there were so many treatments available for her. She started on radiotherapy and we were waiting for review and then chemo/ immunotherapy, but before the review her leg gave way and she lost control of her bladder / bowel …. Basically the radiotherapy didn’t work and the tumour grew into her spinal cord. Overnight she was now palliative and she died 8 weeks later . I feel that my world ended the night that she collapsed and all hope was gone. I’m absolutely devastated snd yearn to phone her , cuddle her and just be her daughter once again . There’s a massive hole in my stomach and I feel sick most of the time . I’m trying to block it out because I can’t cope otherwise but there’s the funeral to arrange .
I feel absolutely devastated for you snd the utter disbelief and shock you must feel . Please message anytime you want . You are not alone. Sending love 
️ x
