I lost my mum just over 4 weeks ago to AML 
she was 56. Mum was diagnosed with MDS in September 2019 and AML in March 2020. It had been a long year coming to terms with mums diagnosis and covid 19.
She spent most of last year in hospital having chemo. The begining of this year mum was feeling more like her old self. Then in May we found out she had relapsed.
In July mum was in hospital for over a month after a fall at home and not being cared for properly at one hospital left her with severe bed sores and her infection markers were sky high. We got her moved to Clatterbridge where they eventually got the infection markers down but unfortunately mum was told that she was not up to any more chemo. It was decided that mum was to come home and spend what time she had left with me and my brother. Me and my brother was goibg to care for mum at home with the help of carers who would turn her etc.
Mum came home 4th August and 2 weeks later she passed away. The first week was positive she enjoyed being at home even though she was bed bound. She didn't like the carers being in and out but was trying to live with it. We had plans to start physio to get her out the bed etc. Mum always said she wasn't ready to die and she had plenty of fight left. It wasn't her time yet. She did however want to talk to us about the future and what we would need to do.
The second week that mum was home started off okay with my birthday (even though I knew it was my last with mum). Mum was losing more weight, not wanting to eat or be bothered with anyone. She wasn't sleeping of a night so she slept through the day. On the Friday she took half a lorazepam tablet to help her sleep. By Saturday night she wasn't really with it. She woke us through the night having nightmares and crying. Sunday morning she was okay just extremely tired. She had another half a tablet Saturday night. However mum had a really bad reaction to it, she didn't know who we were, she was hallucinating, hearing things, not making any sense when she spoke, sweats, shivers, twitches, irritable, loose bowels, forgetting what we were talking about. Again she woke us through the night shouting and crying. Mondsy morning she was still a little out of it. In the afternoon mum told me that she felt things had changed. I contacted our palliative care nurse who said she would be out the next day. She came out and could see the difference in mum (she had come out on the friday). We discussed that it was time to get mum into a hospice. This was what mum wanted she said when it was time move her to a hospice. Tuesday was spent getting everything organised for the move. The carers came Tuesday night and spoke to me and my brother and said they thought mum was near the end. I called the family and we sat with mum for over 24 hours. Mum passed away Wednesday night.
I'm struggling to accept how quick things changed and all I do is replay those 2 weeks at home. Is this normal?
I also blame myself for sending mum to hospital in the first place after her fall. If she hadn't have gone she wouldn't have got the bed sores and maybe she would've been able to carry on with the chemo.
I feel guilty that I didn't spend enough time with her at home. I spent the 2 weeks constantly on the phone to the doctors trying to sort medicine out. If I had known how quick things were going to change I wouldn't have bothered.
Now I have to find a way to carry on without her. She was my best friend.
It feels like she is at the hospital and she will be walking back through the door soon.
I'm not sleeping as I keep replaying everything. Throughout the day I get on with everything. I read, watch TV, laugh and joke with my brother. Then I feel guilty. I can't sit in a quiet room as my mind is constantly on the go and won't settle.
I'm glad mum didn't have to suffer at home like our grandad did. I kept telling mum it was okay to go and the grandad would be waiting for her. But now I feel guilty and horrible for saying those things. I never wanted her to go.
Are my feelings normal? Is this just a normal part of grief?
