My father just passed away - are my feelings normal?

Hi fluffyfudge I've just read your post and my heart goes out to you. I just dropped by and noticed you've not yet had a reply to your post, I'm not qualified to answer but I'll answer from my heart. I've a different cancer which is eminently treatable, surgery normally removes the cancer and adjuvant treatment not always needed.

To read the speed with which your Dad deteriorated is devastating. You might have noticed certain changes in his personality due to the spread but might have brushed it off as a bad day, we all have them. Cancer is a hateful disease, it does not discriminate whom it affects and how. No-one in my biological family had ever had cancer so when I was diagnosed a brick wall might've fallen on me!

You are in a total state of disbelief and numbness at your Dad's passing but to feel slightly relieved that he didn't deteriorate over a period of months or even year, which some patients do, shouldn't make you feel guilty. It was a godsend (I use that term loosely, I wonder about that a lot nowadays) that he didn't suffer and he was at home, but sedated with your Mum by his side. 

People experience sorrow in different ways, my sister went to pieces when I got my cancer diagnosis, my hubby of 40 years + basically said "que sera" - neither of which helped me a lot - I received my support from these forums.

I was always the one in bits at funerals, after my brush with the unknown I'm stronger.  My own Dad passed away due to dementia and it was heart-breaking that he didn't recognise my Mum, they'd been married over 60 years.

Remember your Dad as the person you knew before cancer affected him. You've locked your grief away in a box, go and sit in his favourite spot in the garden and talk to him, he'll hear you!

Sending (watery) hugs, B xx

HI B, 

thank you so much for spending time to read my post, I really appreciate it. Your words are so kind and I feel so much better somebody has reassured me and listened to me. Nobody else I have spoken to has talked to me about it like this and everyone just says they're sorry for my loss and stuff, but they don't actually talk to me about it and it makes me feel like I have to be sad, emotional and greaving because thats how they expect me to be but honestly said I don't feel like that, it's all too quick I have barely had chance to process what has happened. 

I'm sorry to hear you've been diagnosed with cancer, but I really like how you have such a great attitude and you're helping others who are suffering directly or indirectly. I think I take the same attitude as your husband by the sounds of it, but i think it's just more another way of saying "i feel helpless and powerless against this so i just have to accept it as it is". I'm so sorry to hear about your Dad too, that sounds awfully tough to witness for yourself and your mum. 

Yes, i have been thinking about Dad before many years at how different he was, how he used to act like a Dad. I couldn't believe how much he had changed, we just hadn't noticed because it was very subtle changes over a long period of time... but I will remember him from before then, which are very fond memories. He was a great Dad. 

Thank you so much again. :) 

Sending Hugs, 

M xx

Hi, I feel in a similar position to you. I lost my dad almost a month ago and I don’t feel as upset as I thought I would.  I think it’s just how my body is protecting me from the overwhelming grief - as I have to be strong for my mum and organise everything so she doesn’t have all that to worry about.  I have a constant anxious feeling though and I do replay dad’s last few days and final moments over and over in my head.   He was ill for a long time and I cried so much then - mostly on my own in the car in the way home from their house!  I think everyone deals with death and grief so differently that there is no right or wrong way.  Don’t be too hard on yourself or compare yourself with others.  Do be kind to yourself x

Hi, thank you for taking the time to read my post and reply. I’m sorry to hear about your Dad too. I know exactly what you mean… and it’s interesting because i too have had to deal with the organising of stuff e.g celebration of life, raising money, the preparations for memorial, financials, getting ready to go back to Uni on top of that too and I just haven’t even had time to stop and think about my dads passing or haven’t had time to notice how my life has changed without him… I haven’t even had chance to stop. I think our bodies have got the organising on priority and leaving emotions til last. I too often think about my dads last weeks, it wasn’t nice and no matter how much I hated it I had to face it… it was so disturbing I just didn’t know what to make of it… and I had no where to escape as he was living at home with us. It’s really good to hear you managed to let out emotion in your car after seeing your dad.. that’s really healthy. But atm you are probably burnt out from it all and sounds like you’re still trying to process it by the way you’re going over his last days in your head. It’s probably still in shock stages of grief. 

Hope this helps you a little and thank you for the kind words x

Hi! My dad passed away 5 weeks ago to pancreatic cancer. He had an operation in early 2019 and we were told everything went well. He had some chemo and then everything went back to normal. Earlier this year he started with depression due to lockdown and not being able to work. His depression deteriorated and this affected his personality and the way he looked (he was barely eating and barely drinking resulting in weight loss). What we didn’t know was that the cancer was back and that he was terminally ill. We found this out on 11/8 and he passed away 14/8. He didn’t want anyone to know. I know this is different to your situation somewhat but my dad wasn’t my dad the last 12 months or so. He was distant with us, had no interest in anything, little conversation and had a blank look on his face and all these months we assumed it was the depression when in fact it was the cancer. I just wanted to reply to your message as I understand completely how you feel. Both me and my mum have struggled over the last few months with my dad as he wasn’t himself at all and now we are struggling to associate dad over the last few years to the dad in the last 12 months. It was like being around someone we didn’t really know. I’m struggling a lot with my feelings as I still feel like I’m in some sort of dream, feeling numb etc. Keep strong and positive and take each day as it comes :) I’m here if you ever want to chat. 

Oh wow. I'm so sorry to hear about your Dad... you have done really well and i can imagine you've been through so much stress, for that i'm sorry. x 

I must say hearing your story really provides me comfort in knowing somebody else had a similar experience and it wasn't me being sensitive or anything. You've described it really well... it was like living with somebody I didn't know and because of that I just felt so awkward and weird and uncomfortable around him. He showed no interest in me or my mother or my sister in the last 6 months of his life and it was really hard to live with because I felt like it was something to do with me, like he disliked me or maybe it was my social awkwardness and blamed myself for his distantness. I think my mom just ignored that and acted like normal because she loved him so much and knew his time was limited so just treated him as usual but for me I found it difficult to interact with him.

Your words are exactly how we felt when we were caring for him. My mum also thinks he was severely depressed but he still ate, drank and slept ok, it just seemed cognitively he wasn't there at all... and the blank expression, reduced awareness and delayed responses strongly convinces me it was the cancer causing depression-like symptoms. He was on steroids to reduce the swelling in his brain which initially seemed to reverse the symptoms and he seemed to improve for a bit and it was almost as if we had our Dad back again for a few days but unfortunately he deteriorated shortly after.

I don't know about you but I don't want to remember my Dad as he was in his last year of life (distant, withdrawn, uninterested, suffering, depressed, ill)... i have actually had to begin remembering what he was like before this, which is actually quite difficult. I looked at some videos from a few years ago of my Dad and couldn't believe the difference, he was so happy, animate, emotive, witty, caring, loving, alive and just the Dad we grew up with and i completely forgot he was like this!! That's the Dad i want to remember. I feel guilty for wanting to forget the sick Dad as i just don't believe he was himself and i don't know if he was aware of it but I just know if normal Dad could see how he was for the last year of his life he would feel so bad and probably kick himself for being like that and having us witness it like that. 

Thank you so much for your reply i really appreciate it :)

Sending hugs x

I'm so sorry for your loss, my father passed away on the 5th September this year after being diagnosed with kidney, met liver and spine cancer. Unfortunately this came a week before I gave birth - to say this hit me like a ton of bricks is an understatement.

Like yourselves I watched a healthy, happy man deteriorate rapidly before my own eyes, going from a near 90kg to less than 40kg in a space of a month. He had hiccups for days on end, mini strokes, seizures and active delirium. I dont think a day passed by in which I didn't cry - I would sit beside him all through the night watching him breathe incase anything happened, to then go and look after my kids during the day.. id never have changed what I did but looking back it fueled my anxiety as I was running on adrenaline each day/night. 

The hospital had given my father 72hours, however he went on to fight another 4 weeks. His mental capacity when he wasn't out of it from delirium was amazing. It was only a matter of time before things slowly started to stop, walking, talking, moving, eating and then drinking - the pain of watching was immense. Its a guilt that I will live with for the rest of my life. I remember sitting in the garden praying his suffering would end and if that meant he no longer be with us then so be it.. I couldn't bear it. (I sound selfish I know) I always imagined I'd be this unconsolable, hysterical human when the time came - but after the first few hours I remained "calm" and have been ever since. That on its own makes me feel guilty as I sit and watch family member become hysterical.

I have visited my dad (graveside) everyday since, and I feel a kind of peace that I am unable to describe. Many have pointed out that its not normal, and if it was them they try to claw at his grave and get in as the loss is unbearable. I dont feel that way inclined, I thought I would - I think I mourned my father earlier on as like you I knew it was my father but then it wasn't. I had severe guilt trying to even remember what he looked like before he got ill and I longed to hear his voice when he was alive.. I beat myself up alot over this.

I dont think you can ever prepare. You can only go with the flow - put one foot infront of the other and take each day and emotion as it comes. I havent had time to process my own properly yet, if its like the one or two bad days I've had I am already feeling anxious.

Sending you tons of love, it's easy to say be kind to yourself but it's really hard to do especially when you think you could have changed or made a difference (even if it wasnt possible)

Hi Doobydoo,

i'm sorry you had to go through all of this, especially a week before your birth!

You're right about the adrenaline - you never relax in that state no matter what. You don't sound selfish at all, by the way. The more time that passes after my fathers illness and his passing, the more i'm able to see how awful the situation is and how much stress it caused me emotionally and it's too much for anyone to bare, so I don't think it's selfish to want someone to pass to alleviate the suffering for all parties involved. I too was not hysterical, I was sad, I suppose, but I was not surprised, he was so ill I just wanted it all to stop. 

It's good that you're visiting him everyday and it's peaceful for you. Don't listen to the others telling you how to feel - they have not been through what you had to go through. It's traumatising having to watch a loved one deteriorate right infront of your eyes and I think emotionally you just switch off and deal with it by just getting on with it. 

I've spoken with someone else who had a very similar experience to us, and they said all the emotions we have of numbness, disbelief, relief, guilt, shock, haziness, they experienced too for a few months, which was really relieving to me. I think there's too much pressure to seem as though one is grieving and unable to cope emotionally straight after the death but when you've been through what we have, it just doesnt work like that. 

Hi,

I see it has been several months since you posted this but Ive just come across your post and it is as if I posted it!  My father back in July suddenly began to lose words, struggled to form basic sentences etc and the day after we noticed this he was suffering with a really bad headache.  My dad never got headaches and that coupled with the cognitive changes rang alarm bells for me- got him down to a&e after a  battle due to the phone first service here and I fully expected to be told he had had a mini stroke or it was the early stages of dementia.  It wasn't- him and my mum were taken into a small room to be told it was bad news, they had found two brain lesions and they were so so sorry.  My mum was then sent out to wait in her car (due to covid) whilst dad was sent back into the waiting room to await a bed for admission.   Two and half weeks he was in hospital and put on steroids and we had to fight to get meeting with consultant with the many questions we had- time moved so slowly in terms of any treatment further investigations to find out where his primary cancer was.  He was discharged home for just shy of three weeks with no support and tapered off steroids completely with no information of what to expect or do if he was to deteriorate- which he inevitably did two weeks later to point we had to bring him back to a&e as his balance was off and headaches again.  This admission into hospital meant we had no visiting apart from my mum for one hour every other day- and every time she went in he had deteriorated hugely.  Lost significant weight and was unable to preform basic tasks.  He was discharged from hospital home again with no package of care and after being home only two hours he collapsed outside on the way to us trying to get him back to a&e as he was crying and screaming out in pain, not making any sense and unable to walk properly.   Two hour wait lying out on our drive for an ambulance he was admitted.  This time sadly a short stay as exactly one week later he passed away, on a ward with five other patients, the loudest, most painful death imaginable due to them only putting a driver in place less than an hour before he died.  My mother and I had to battle nurses who seemed to have no sense of urgency to give him pain medication whilst holding my father who was just having continuous seizures.  The palliative nurse advised he had finally got my father a space in a hospice but they would move him once he was more settled- he wasn't settled because he was dying! I would have missed it had I not had a gut feeling I needed to get into the hospital.  my mother and I were not advised that the active being sick, rattling chest, loud gasping breathing etc were signs the end was near  . We never once met with an oncologist.  Throughout his short battle we had very limited communication from the hospital and support was negligible.  it was only Two weeks before he died we were finally allocated a palliative nurse from macmillan within the hospital. 

Sorry for the above ramblings but this is the first time I've actually written all of this down and I still feel angry about how we were treated.  Anyways its now we look back and reflect and search for signs he was ill before we were made aware of it mid July.  Exactly like you and others here who have commented, the absentness, almost signs of depression have been present for much of this year and even into last year.  I have lived away overseas for 20 years and had only just moved home last October with the excitement of having my parents close by and for them to have more time with their young grandkids.  We initially saw a slight improvement in his moods ( he was always the happy go lucky, funny outgoing dad but had become more grumpy and we nicknamed him victor meldrew)  but this was short-lived and life just suddenly seemed to be hard for him, he became more negative and the simplest most fun tasks became effort.  Only now we realise its probably been the cancer in his brain.  little did I know the worries I had about him possibly being depressed were actually him being so so ill. 

In terms of grief I like you I've felt relief, numb and seemingly coped much better than I ever thought I could being a total daddys girl but in recent days it has hit me hard.  My sister sent me a video of him a few years ago and it was the dad I remember, the dad id lost even before he died but hadn't realised as the changes were so subtle?  I broke down completely and its like it has opened a tap.  I sought out this forum and it really helps to see I am not alone in this experience.  We are all part of family who share similar horrible experiences and hopefully can all help each other to navigate this road ahead together.  I keep you, and everyone in my thoughts and send all the strength and love in the weeks, months and years ahead.  We all have to be strong together, lets do it for our loved ones weve lost, make them all proud looking down on us!! x 

Hi everyone 

 i Won’t  say sorry because I know how that feels and doesn’t help

i also agree with what’s been said about the “godsend” part. I have lost my whole family including my mum over 14 years ago when she was 49 to lung and brain and it was shockingly quick. At the moment my father has had throat, gullet and neck nose cancer for 2.5 years and 4 days ago ho got admitted to a hospice to live out his final days. 

he is the most strong willed (ex marine) man and with far too much independence that almost destroyed me trying to get him care through all his treatment. We had a good 6 mo that there when treatment ended and now I’m watching someone I don’t recognise who looks grey and skeletal. He has had numerous falls and can barely speak and was almost sectioned due to his hit back against help and the hospice. 

i thought l there would be relief at his going there and not worrying but my feelings are something I’ve never experienced in my life and never wish to. I want the call to say the pain is over but he just won’t let go and thinks we are taking him home every time we visit and is confused and delirious half the time

i had this vision of him sleeping peacefully with the medication but no this isn’t happening

i feel guilty every day for wishing he would just let go

i even find myself talking to mum at night praying that she makes this painless and quick but unanswered so far

so hard to write everything in words but I do try and it feels better to get it out here. Im a very emotional person and feel my brothers pain from this who still lived with him but I am running away from emotional support in my home like it’s a disease of some kind. I guess the apple didn’t fall far from the tree!