My father just passed away - are my feelings normal?

Hi, I can relate so much….my mum seemed a bit depressed over lock down, or so I thought that was it. She missed seeing her friends at golf. I noticed her being more forgetful and not really herself.

in september out of the blue she confessed that she had a sore on her breast. She showed it too me, it looked like a hole in her breast and said she must get it seen by a doctor. She was seen quickly and had all the tests. She was diagnosed with breast cancer. I felt so sad she hadn’t told us and wondered why she had kept it to herself. I then started feeling like I should have been more concerned about the changes in her and not put it down to lock down and missing her friends…but….

the operation seemed to be a success. Though she was discharged in 24hrs, very quick I thought. They had discovered cancer in her neck and lung too which at first was t detected.

after a day her leg and foot hurt, I felt her feet and one was cold the other hot. I spoke to the doctor and she ended up in A&E with blood clots, 3 were dispersed and one they couldn’t reach. The only choice was managing the pain or amputation. Mum, at 85, had already gone through so much trauma and didn’t want the amputation. She was deteriorating quickly and then was placed on palliative care.

she came home for 5 weeks. She was in pain and we were managing it with morphine, but was so very distressing. She hurt all over….she just deteriorated so quickly and it’s been such a shock in the space of 9 weeks she’s gone, I’m totally heartbroken. I can’t believe she’s not here. It feels so very brutal and cruel this has happened. 

it’s so very distressing to have witnessed her health so rapidly decline and her loss of weight, speech and ability to be understood. Even being moved was painful, it’s been so heartbreaking to imagine the suffering she had and that I saw her go through. We thought when she came out of the hospital she would be fine, but it all hit a few days later. It’s so unfair. It’s Christmas and I just feel a terrible emptiness and aloneness that she should be here. I’m glad she is not in pain now, but how quick it all escalated it’s such a shock when it’s so quick and mum was t mum. She went in her sleep which is something I can be glad of.

I just came across your post and I feel so similarly to you.

My Mum recently passed away from tonsil cancer and lung cancer which spread into her brain.

I also felt like for the last year or so - even before diagnosis Mum wasn't herself with me. She was always so quiet and withdrawn and just didn't seem to want to speak to or engage with me much anymore. I put a lot of it down to being fed up with lockdown but also spent ages wondering what 'I' had done to upset her. I now realize this was probably due to the cancer / fatigue / illness.

The cancer spreading to Mum's brain made her deteriorate rapidly. She started to lose her memory in October (we initially put this down to PTSD due to an intensive care stay). She then lost use of half her body and had a brain CT / MRI and we found out the cancer had moved to her brain.

Mum completely forgot who me and my Dad were and became a completely different personality. I moved back in with my Dad to help care for her for her last month and it was honestly the most traumatic thing I have ever experienced. She lost her memory, use of half her body and eventually all speech. I feel like I literally can't watched her wither away infront of my eyes.

When she went I didn't feel like she was 'Mum' anymore. Obviously I still loved her (and always will) but the I felt like the lady who I knew as 'Mum' had already left me a while before the physical loss.

I haven't really been able to describe how I've felt since her passing but I really resonate with a lot of what you said. Like I'm obviously deeply upset and cry a lot but I also feel this complete 'numbness'. Like because she wasn't herself for so long I've almost already got used to not being able to talk to her or text her ... I don't know if I've been grieving her for a long time before the physical passing and that's why I don't feel the extreme 'longing' I thought I would.

In your post you said you feel almost relief at his passing. I feel like this too, relief that life isn't a constant living hell anymore just waiting for and anticipating this 'doomsday' event we were inevitably hurtling towards. Relief that the stress and worry has gone. Relief that I'm not lying there at night listening to her breathing waiting for it dreading it stopping but almost wanting it to do the misery could end for her. I've felt awful for this - like I'm some kind of monster.

I've done some 'normal' things since she passed away to try and carry on living a little... But then it strikes me whilst I'm doing them and I feel confused like 'Mums dead but here I am just cooking a pizza'. 'Mums dead and I'll never see her again...but I'm just here cleaning the car like it hasn't happened'. I feel like I should be in a dark room crying and screaming. I feel like a terrible daughter because I can just 'do things'.

I don't really know why I'm posting this. I think it's just that I've scoured online forums for someone who had felt similarly and you're the first person who seems to have. It's made me feel a little more normal and not a monster.

Hi, I’m so sorry about your mum. Yes, I think it’s a natural thought to think of the change in your mum as possibly being lock down, I certainly did. Mum used to play golf with her mates 3 times a week so I thought she’s really missing that.

it’s is the rapid deterioration that’s so heartbreaking when you’re used to seeing your mum as you’ve known her. Being her daughter it’s so hard watching your mum in pain, truly heartbreaking. It was the worst and hardest things I’ve ever done too….and not being able to help as much as you wish that you could. You just want to make it better and look after her and know that she knows she’s loved and safe and secure. I think my mum likely had ptsd too, like you, she wasn’t her anymore, which is a loss too. 

i can relate to feeling that you lost your mum before she passed away. Though mum was present, I felt I was grieving for her before she went, I was so heartbroken to see her in pain, it was so distressing, I cried buckets. I just wanted to comfort her as much as I could. 

I think it’s the shock too of how quickly things progressed. I miss mum hugely, like you, but her passing is still quite unreal, I cry, read the lovely cards friends and family have sent and brings it home again…but try to get on, and like you have got on…but she’s always in my thoughts and I find myself talking to her and just wanting to know that she’s alright and safe and happy where she is. Yet feel, very strange, guess I feel too could I have done more…..I know what you mean, life is carrying on, yet your mum is t here…..take some comfort in knowing that your mum would want you to be doing things, it’s precious that you were with her when she most needed you. It is a terrible shock and we need time to process what’s happened, it still feels like it’s a bad dream. 

it’s so painful to see your mum in so much pain and you want it to end because of the suffering….but you don’t want her to go either because it would mean you would t see her, it’s just really hard all this, I still wish she was here, well, sometimes I wish she was just here, but I remember her suffering….I try to think that she had lovely carers, she was at home and we took care of her and friends visited which she had some capacity to enjoy for a short time. Your mum would have been comforted by you and your dad, though she might not have been able to show it to you.

its a very painful thing, but you a d myself were there for our mums when they needed us most, but it’s still so very painful. Be kind to yourself, you’ve been such a comfort to both your mum & dad. 

Dear JJ555,

I don’t know if you’ll see this as I’ve only just seen your post now, but I wanted to message you to say how sorry I am to hear about your Dad. I hope you are doing ok. Your story resonated with me as we lost our Dad 6 weeks ago. He started with chronic joint pain in September 2021 which the GP dismissed as arthritis and gave him exercises to do at home. Finally after months of pain, Dad managed to see another GP who referred him for a CT scan, he was diagnosed with terminal cancer by the GP at the end of November. A week later (during which Dad thought he was just being left to die), he was invited to see the hospital consultant who told him he thought they could do chemo to extend his life. We waited for the biopsy date, I chased and chased over Christmas and we were told it would be the following day, Friday Jan 7th. Then the nurse phoned back and said there’d been a misunderstanding and they had no day beds, the biopsy would be another 5 days, Weds 12 jan. Dad passed away at home suddenly on 10 jan. He had received no support, no treatment and, because there hadn’t been a biopsy, we don’t even know for sure where the cancer started or how it killed him so quickly. The only comfort we have is that he didn’t suffer for long. Thank you for reading my story and posting yours as it’s something of a comfort to know others have been through similar traumas. I hope you are coming to terms with it slowly and remember to take care of yourself x