Preparing for that day.

Meghanmay,

I've just gone through this with my wife, but we didn't get a lot of warning. We thought the chemo was working then suddenly it was all over.

What can I say? One that has helped me is that when she was first diagnosed we spent a few minutes telling each other that whatever had happened between us in the past was forgiven. If there's anything you need to say or ask do it now.

The first thing I felt was a sense of total unreality. Kath was always somewhere around. I felt she'd come in from the garden or home from the shops at any moment. The second was not knowing how to get on with life or make decisions without her. Everything from cooking to what TV to watch had been a joint decision and suddenly I was skidding on wet ice, unable to do anything.

Remembering the good things does help. I've made a collage of pictures of her in restaurants, with the dogs and horses she loved and away on holidays. It hangs where I see it every time I walk through the hall.

After a while it shifted and a new life forms around me. When I cook something now it's usually for two meals. I record movies so that I can be distracted for a whole evening. I need to get out and meet people so I'm looking at volunteering with the church.

Finally treat the funeral as closure. Make sure you know what your mum wants. If you can ask her, fine, if not do the best you can. Don't worry so much about spending money as spending time to get the details right. But the moment you get home from the wake, close the book on your old life. You've moved into a new one where you do different things. It's a bit like moving house. The shop and the pub you used to use are miles away, but different ones are now close. Get to know the changed world rather than trying to keep the old one going.

I hope that lot helps. It's just my experiences.

Robert

Hi Robert and Thankyou for taking the time to reply. I’m so sorry to hear about your wife. 

what you say makes so much sense and brings me comfort in knowing that life can carry on. I like how you say get to know the changed world rather than trying to keep the old one going, I’m going to remember that. 

I know that you obviously carry on living and breathing but how do you function after a death? Doing normal things such as brushing teeth or having a shower the day you find out they’ve passed seems impossible. I’m sorry if this sounds silly, ive never experienced loss and am struggling to comprehend what it will be like. 

Unfortunately we got the news that mums cancer has spread for the 4th time, this time to two places on the spine and radiotherapy is the next treatment. 

I hope you’re well and take care of yourself

Megahn 

The best way I can try to explain it is that you are suddenly in a foreign country and all the little automatic actions don't work any more. Every morning I used to put the kettle on and open the cupboard next to it, then get out the same two cups. I'd make tea in the white one for myself and coffee in the red one for Kathy. I'd done it hundreds of times and was pretty well on autopilot.

Then one day I only had to make tea.

For the first few weeks I was thinking "What am I supposed to do next?". Then a new set of habits took over and the autopilot was reprogrammed.

That's what it was for me. Hope that helps.

Robert

Hi,

I lost my dad almost four weeks ago from bowel cancer.  Even though I knew what was going to happen I was still not prepared, I don’t really think you can be.  There is no right or wrong way to feel, however you feel is right for you at the time.  

Hello - I am so sorry that you are consumed with these thoughts of dread. I was too. I lost my Mum 6 weeks ago.... Doc gave us 12 months prognosis in June this year but that was not to be...and she left sooner. I live in the UK and she lived overseas - it was awful being far from her in these last few months. I travelled to spend 6 beautiful weeks with her in April (the last time I would see her) I thought I would get another chance to see her again. But this was not to be. She deteriorated very quickly... over the course of 5 days. we thought that it was just a bump in the road and she would bounce back a little. 

You can either allow the dread of her leaving to consume you (I allowed this to happen to me and I got lost in this) or you can absolutely make the most of every minute. Write things down and ask her things you want to know. Tell her how much she means to you and cherish this time. Those 6 precious weeks we had together as Mum & daughter I will cherish. We watched movies and talked and she knew how much she was loved. Go through old photographs and ask her to tell you about them (write on the back of them to remind you later) because we lived far from each other I have a few whats up voice messages on my phone - I listen to them as it is so comforting to hear her voice sometimes (it's hard to hear - but comforting at the same time) 

I found that in doing these things it helped me prepare a little bit. Although nothing can prepare you. Those first few hours are devastating - I just cried sobbed, totally shocked. I found rescue remedy and a prescribed calming pill from GP really helped me in those few days. You manage to get through the first 2 weeks of arrangements and people and mountains of pre-cooked food (this really helped us whilst we were grieving) 

The hardest part is getting back to "life" somethings feel so mundane in comparison to the deep deep pain in your heart. Just be kind to yourself and do as much as you can do. sometimes things need to be let go and that's that. Take time in those first few days to quietly sit and absorb your loss and allow yourself the space to cry whenever and where ever you need to. I talk to Mum still when I'm hanging the laundry or see a beautiful flower that I know she would love. 

Wishing you strength and courage for the future you face - I am so very sorry for I feel what you are going through and I know how it feels once the loss happens. I found people who have lost a close loved one can relate to you...others try and sympathise - but I think that's why this forum is very helpful ... big hugs