Hi
My Mum passed away from secondary breast cancer in April of this year. It was a long battle and very traumatic I often wanted her to go earlier for her own benefit but when she did go I can't help but think about never being able to speak to her again.
I feel too young to lose my mum she was only 62 and I'm only 29. She wanted so bad to be a grandparent and unfortunately I didn't have the time to make that wish happen.
I still go to write in the carers only forum as I'm still not accepting she is gone. I'm not her carer no more.
I threw myself into all the hardships which came with death so my other family members didn't have to and that kept me busy.
Now it's all sorted and I'm due to receive part of her pension money but the more I think about it the more it bothers me/ My Mum had a pension she never ever drew upon because she never got to reach that age. It makes me really sad to think she worked her whole life, she was thinking about her retirement at 65 and wanting to move to Scotland but her dreams were shattered and she really pulled the short straw in life.
I often dream of her as if she's still alive and when I wake up I realise it was a dream and it hurts.
I am missing a part of me.
Hi HannyC
Welcome to the community. I'm sorry to hear about the recent loss of your mum.
What you are feeling is perfectly normal and part of the grieving process. We all grieve differently so there are no rights or wrongs as to how or for how long. Your mum had her pension saved and knew that you and other family members would benefit from it so that is her gift to you. Your mum will always be around you and will try to guide and support you as best she can. Talk to her whenever and where ever you want, even little things like coming back home and saying "Eeeh mum, it's cold out there today" Visit one of her favourite places on your own and talk to her there. Tall her how you feel, thank her for the pension money and ask her to support you. Your mum, even if it takes a few days, will send some sign to let you know she is there and ready to help as best she can. It could be finding an unexpected white feather, radio / tv retuning, finding a long lost item of your mums or maybe smelling her perfume. You have to open yourself up to notice these signs and realise she is telling you that she is there to make sure you are okay.
Writing is always easier than talking so participating in the carers forum is good. You could also start a memory book about your mum. Include stories (happy and sad) of your childhood, her illness, stories from her childhood, stories from other relatives and some of your mums friends, and lots of photos. You can do this alone and no one else needs to see it or you can do it with other family members and share your emotions together. Your dreams are your own minds way of helping you through your grief and could also include a sign from your mum to let you know she is now okay and watching over you. This is one way loved ones can make contact with us as it is the least scary. Try having a good heart to heart with your mum in your dream telling how much you hurt and ask her to ease the pain. She will help with this and this will show in what stories and words you choose for your memory book.
If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat. You can use this link your area to find support near where you live. This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential.
Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.
There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.
This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back. This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.
This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.
Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.
Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.
Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around
the corner .......
All is well.
Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.
David
