My dad passed away from Pancreatic Cancer

Hi Rach

Welcome to the community.  I'm sorry to hear about the recent loss of your dad.

Your dad was trying to protect you and your mum from getting too upset over his diagnosis.  He thought that this was the right thing to do and it showed how much you both meant to him.  Feeling shock and numb is a normal part of grieving.  Your dad thought that it would be easier for you to deal with this than all the months of knowing he had terminal cancer.

We all grieve in our own way and at our own speed so there are no rights or wrongs.  The main thing is not hold back your emotions.  Even if you are in a busy supermarket you can nip to the toilet for 5 minutes, ask one of the staff to watch your shopping while you pop outside for a short while.  Your dad will always be around you both and will try to guide and support you as best he can.  Talk to him whenever and where ever you want.  Small things such as commenting on the weather when you come back in, or asking out loud "What should we watch tonight?"  Open yourself to any responses you may get such as finding an unexpected white feather, finding long lost objects or radio / tv retuning - the latter may happen if you ask what to watch then nip to make a cuppa.  This will be your dads way of letting you know he is near and is there for you.  When you talk to him explain how you feel about the shock and numbness and ask him to comfort you and let you know why he didn't say anything.  The sign you are sent may not be obvious but you will have accept it, interpret it and not feel scared if something happens in front of your eyes.

Visit one of your dads favourite places and talk to him there mentioning what is around you and wait quietly for any response such as a bird coming extremely close.  Start a memory book about your dad - writing is a great way to express your emotions.  You can do this alone and not let anyone else see your writings, or you can do it with family members.  Include stories which are happy or sad, stories from your childhood, stories your dad told you of his childhood, stories from other relatives, stories from your dads friends / work colleagues and lots of photos.  Ask your dad to help you with this by guiding you to the people to talk to and finding items in the house which will help bring back memories.

If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat.  You can use this link your area to find support near where you live.  This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential. 

Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.

There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.

This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back.  This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.

This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.

Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -

Death is nothing at all.

I have only slipped away into the next room.

I am I and you are you.

Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.

Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.

Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.

Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.

Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.

Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?

I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around

the corner .......

All is well.

Hope this helps and sending you both a big hug.

I am so sorry to hear this. I lost my mum this morning to this awful disease. She was 82, diagnosed in January with stage 4. Like your dad, she’d been depressed for a while before her diagnosis as well as an out of the blue type 2 diabetes diagnosis. She’d been so fit and healthy despite her age. Pancreatic cancer is very cruel. It must’ve been so awful for dad to have had the op, then for that to happen. I’m so very sorry for your loss x

Hi LadyKay

I’m so sorry to hear about your mum. I hope you are doing as well as can be. It’s such a cruel disease and to see someone deteriorate so quickly is awful. We honestly thought everything was ok but unfortunately not. Please take care and again I am so sorry for your loss. X

Hi Rach,

I'm ever so sorry for your loss, please remember that you are not alone and everything your mum and you go through is all normal. I keep being told that it's okay not to be okay, its probably a little overused but it is true!

You're not alone in your grief, I've also had a similar experience to this, I lost both my grandparents 6 months apart from one another, both cancer. My Gran died in May of Pancreatic cancer just as sudden, much like your dad. My gran however also didn't know that she had it, we all just assumed it was the depression of losing her husband a few months prior. We should have picked up on the signs but one day all of a sudden she just died, with no answers, only found out after the post mortem. 

I just hope you know that there are other people out there just like you, the grief gets a little better, you just have to avoid letting it consume you, I guess I'm speaking from experience. It feels like a lot right now, and it may feel like this for a long long time, best advice I can give is to ride the wave and just try and keep talking to your dad. Even though he is gone, he is still there, he lives in you, your mum, and everyone's memories! remember the good times lovely!

Sending love and prayers x