Hello. Looking for some advice.
My dad was diagnosed with cancer just before Christmas 2020, we were told it was incurable just after Christmas and he died two months later at age 65. I am in my 30s. Though not diagnosed till December, he had been ill since September and as he suffered from asthma, we hadn't been able to visit properly in 2020 due to worries around Covid which made things more difficult/strange.
It's now been 6 months since he died and I have spent the majority of the time trying to focus on helping my mum. However, my other half thinks I would benefit from speaking to someone as I have found I have much less patience/tolerance for certain situations (e.g. work stress) at the moment.
I'm not sure if it would help as it feels like I have very little to say so I'm not sure if it would be worthwhile. I am not sure if writing would be easier than speaking or if I’m not speaking to the right person. I am a very logical person and I think you can't really argue with or debate cancer.
I am continuing to carry on with life by doing my hobbies, spending time with family and have also started volunteering for Macmillan to try to help others. But from my point of view, it just feels like my life is now missing something very important and there's nothing I can do about that.
I'm not sure what the difference is between a counsellor, therapist or psychologist or the different ways they work with people so just wondered if anyone could tell me more about this? Any advice from anyone who felt/reacted a similar way would be appreciated.
Thanks
Hi Ripplyroo
Welcome to the community. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your dad.
Your emotions at the moment are all a normal part of the grieving process. Your mind is still coming to terms with everything and you expect others to be more understanding about how you feel. We all feel this during grieving and also believe that even if someone else is bereaved they didn't feel anything like this. We all grieve in our own way and at our own speed so there are no rights or wrongs. Your own mind will know what is best for you and when.
Your dad will always be around you and will always try to guide and support you as best he can. Talk to him whenever and where ever you want, even simple things like coming home and briefly mentioning the weather such as "you would be cold today in that wind" Visit on of your dads favourite places on your own and talk to him there. He will always try to let you know he is listening and will send a sign which may take a few days - you need to open yourself to accept the sign and interpret it correctly. It may be finding an unexpected white feather, radio / tv retuning, finding something of your dads you thought was lost a long time ago, things may get moved to places to send a message.
You are right in saying that talking is much harder than writing. Even those with large, close families often struggle to discuss losing a loved one as it reminds them of their own mortality. Start a memory book about your dad including stories from your childhood, stories he told you of his childhood, stories from other relatives, stories from some of your dads friends / work colleagues and lots of photos. You can do this alone or with family and no one needs to see it if you don't want them to.
It is good that you are spending time with your family and you have your hobbies. Remember though that you do need to grieve and not to fill your time with so much that you block it out. It's also great that you are starting out volunteering with Macmillan - you will get great support from other volunteers in which ever role(s) you do. See below about in your area for getting support from Macmillan - the ones you mentioned may have long waiting lists and can only give you a set number of appointments. There isn't much difference between them really, they just approach it from a different angle to try to work through your grief yourself.
If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat. You can use this link your area to find support near where you live. This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential.
Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.
There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.
This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back. This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.
This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.
Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.
Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.
Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around
the corner .......
All is well.
Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.
David
