Hi everyone,
Pleased I’ve found this forum.
My mum was diagnosed with kidney cancer in July 2020. We later found it had spread to her bones and lungs. Unfortunately she passed in March 2021. I was pregnant when I found out and gave birth in Oct 2020. I was really lucky that my mum got to see her 2nd grandchild but the pain I felt in those times were unbareable.
when mum started receiving palliative care at home I was there 24/7 to be with her. I left my children and husband behind for 2 weeks. This was the hardest thing I’ve ever done and it took me a long time to get over the trauma to be honest.
life has been tough since mum passed. I feel so angry that it happened to her. She was only 55 and very healthy.
i have battled on and my children have kept me so busy that I’ve had no choice but to carry on. I’m now concerned that I’m coping too well. I definitely don’t cry every day and I feel guilty. I’m also slightly worried that it will one day come crashing down on me and I’m not prepared for that.
Am I over thinking this or do I need to take some time to really grieve and come to terms with that’s happened!?
Hi Swanny
Welcome to the community. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your mum.
We all grieve in our own way and at our own speed so there are no rights or wrongs. You are right when you say that it may hit you with a whammy at some point. You are also right when you say you need to grieve. You have to take care of your family but you can only do this if you are okay yourself both mentally and physically. Maybe you need a break on your own somewhere (or with a very best friend who will support you by listening, hugging and not criticizing you) so you can just chill out and let yourself grieve as much as you need to. You can just go for a weekend if necessary. It will be hard leaving your family behind but totally necessary.
In the meantime, talk to your mum as much as you want, anywhere and anytime. She will always be around you and will try to support and guide you as best she can. Even little things such as coming in and saying how busy the shops were or how cold / hot it is. Visit one your mums favourite places, preferably alone, and talk to her there. Open yourself to any signs she may send to let you know she is near and listening. The sign(s) may take a few days but watch out for unexpected white feathers, radio / tv retuning, or finding something of your mums you thought was lost. The signs may be small but you will notice and it will be her way of comforting you.
Remember, you can take great comfort from being with your mum 24/7 for those two weeks. Your mum would have felt comfort and peace at her passing knowing that you were there for her all that time. It was good that she saw her second grandchild and this would also have comforted her. You could try starting a memory book about your mum. Writing is a great of expressing your emotions and no one else needs to see it except yourself. You can include stories of your childhood, stories your mum told you of her childhood, stories from other relatives and your mums friends and lots of photos. This will help you to express your feelings and will be something for your children to look at in the future to remember their grandma.
If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat. You can use this link your area to find support near where you live. This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential.
Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.
There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.
This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back. This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.
This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.
Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.
Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.
Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around
the corner .......
All is well.
Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.
David
