We lost my mum last week, she was diagnosed at the end of June with bile duct cancer and we were told we would have about a year with her. She had a bile duct stent fitted which failed and she was readmitted to the hospital. They fitted another stent and after this things deteriorated so quickly, she was in constant unmanaged pain and it was the most horrific thing to watch and I can only imagine how it was for her. Due to the concerns around her care whilst in hospital and the rapid deterioration after the second stent they decided to do an autopsy and we have now been told we won't have a cause of death for about 12 weeks due to waiting for biopsy results. I am finding this really difficult, losing her to cancer felt like there was no blame and it was not something anyone could have stopped. The unanswered questions have just caused anger about her death and the care she received, and it feels as if there is no closure for us as a family.
Hi Helen
Welcome to the community. I'm sorry to hear about the recent loss of your mum.
Your mum would know how much her family loved her and would miss her and this would have made her passing more peaceful despite any pain. She will always be around you and will try to support and guide you as best she can. Talk to her as often you want to and where ever you are - one of your mums favourite places if good for this. Open yourself to any responses that she may send such as an unexpected white feather, radio / tv retuning or finding a long lost item of your mums.
Writing down all your emotions and experiences is a great way of keeping memories alive (happy and sad) and expressing your feelings. No one has to see these if you don't want them to. You can do this alone or with family members. You need to include stories from your childhood, stories from your mums childhood, stories from other relatives and your mums friends. Include lots of photos. Tell your mum what you are doing and ask her to guide you in what to include in the book. She may cause you to find something which will trigger a memory from many years ago and this will be her way of letting you know that she is okay now and wants to help you.
If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat. You can use this link your area to find support near where you live. This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential.
Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.
There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.
This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back. This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.
This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.
Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.
Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.
Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around
the corner .......
All is well.
Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.
David
