I lost my Dad nine weeks ago. He had been poorly since March but I was forever hopeful that he would be able to fight this horrible disease but to my horror, it took him. He was only 63, a big healthy bloke who I thought would wrap his arms around me forever. Needless to say it’s hit me incredibly hard, but in order to try and live with this awful twist in life I’ve tried to carry on with everyday life to keep busy. Though when the thought of Dad crosses my mind it hits me like a tonne of bricks.
I’ve found myself questioning everything in my life, wondering if I should make changes, could I make more of me, my life, what can I do to make sure I get the most out of whatever time I have left in this world? I fight back tears as people tell me to take each day as it comes but I feel like every day is a robotic blur at the moment. I feel I’m able to fulfil my days purely on muscle memory-this scares me.
I know it’s still early days but I’m frightened and anxious, what if this is it? 
Hi J12G
Welcome to the community. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your dad.
What you are feeling is perfectly normal and all part of the grieving process. Personally, I would ignore those who tell you to take each day as it comes as they may never have experienced bereavement. Also, everyone grieves in their own way and at their own speed so there are no rights or wrongs.
Your dad will always be around you. Talk to him whenever and where ever you want. Even when you come back in the house just mention a few words about the weather. Your dad will always try to find a way to guide and support you as best he can. Ask him to help steer you in the right direction. Everything happens for a reason and this is because we are influenced by loved ones who have passed and guiding us to do what is the right thing. You need to open yourself to any signs to show your dad is near - finding an unexpected white feather, radio / tv retuning, finding something that you thought was lost ages ago. Visit one of your dads favourite places and talk to him there - allow yourself to feel his presence such as a breath of wind on a still day, a bird coming exceptionally close.
A good way to express your emotions about everything is writing things down. You can do this alone or with family / friends. No one else has to read it if you don't want them to. Start a memory book about your dad - include stories from your childhood, stories he told you about his childhood, stories from other relatives, stories from your dads friends / work colleagues and lots of photos. Your dad will always be there for you and will try to comfort you and you will experience great calm when compiling the memories. Never hold your emotions in but allow them to flow even silently. If you are in a busy supermarket and you feel a bit upset no one will notice you wiping your eyes (could be for many reasons), if you felt too bad just pop to the toilet for a few minutes or leave the store (you may be able to get a staff member to watch your shopping while you step out for a while). At work, discuss how you feel with your supervisor, talk to your HR team and ask them to allow you extra toilet breaks if required - most will allow this and help you with what you are feeling.
If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat. You can use this link your area to find support near where you live. This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential.
Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.
There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.
This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back. This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.
This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.
Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.
Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.
Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around
the corner .......
All is well.
Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.
David
