2021 a year from hell.
I lost my teenage nephew to cancer in February. All started with stomach cramps swelling and fatigue. A week later he was diagnosed with a rare sarcoma with no known cure. Less than 10 cases worldwide. Docs tried emergency treatment, everything they could just to try to give him some time. Nothing worked.. So palliative care was then advised and he passed sadly three weeks after his first symptoms, on the day of my father, his grandfather’s 70th birthday.
My sister, his mother, has also since been diagnosed with a more common and treatable lymphoma after being operated on what was thought to be a benign tumour.
So all in all a super crap year so far and emotions are out of control. I don’t think i’ve even processed the diagnosis of my nephew completely yet and we’re 5 months later. My grief is still completely overwhelming as I have bottled up the feelings and used work as an escape route I guess. But having that extra worry for my sister now just makes it even harder to process.
my mental health has since taken a bad turn and I had to be signed off work due to the additional stress and pressure of the job. Bottling it up and going to work as normal doesn’t work or help in my case. It just came back to bite me once work got a bit much and the second diagnosis hit. I personally wouldn’t advise.
I am currently seeking help from work related mental health services but thought I would share my story here not for the sympathy but more for advice or help on how I can get through the grief and the now constant worry that cancer is going to hit someone close again soon. I aim to return to work as soon as possible and don’t want to let my fellow colleagues down but don’t feel strong enough to deal with any pressure what so ever at the minute. I can have a meltdown for any little reason. It can be so random sometimes.
Hi JB2244
Welcome to the community. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your nephew and the diagnosis of your sister.
The first thing to remember is that we all grieve in our own way and at our own speed so there are no rights or wrongs. You had a huge shock with your nephew because he was so young and everything happened so quick. The shock about your sister following this has been too much. You need to grieve for your nephew, help your sister but look after number one - you won't be able to help your sister if you make yourself unwell. Having random meltdowns is perfectly normal and is a sign that your mind feels that the time is right for you to express your emotions. The pain never goes away but over time your mind will recognise the triggers and help you to build coping strategies to make it feel less painful. Putting yourself under pressure by worrying about work and your colleagues is understandable but again if you don't look after yourself then you will not be much help to them.
Take everything as it comes whether they are happy or sad memories of your nephew, or struggling with part of your sisters treatment. Everything will work out as it is meant to be. You can still talk to your nephew whenever and where ever you want. Ask him to guide and support you and your sister as best he can. Open yourself to any response he may send which can take a few days to happen. You will know when you have sign which could be an unexpected white feather, radio / tv retuning or finding a long lost object. You should try for say 30 mins just to have some me time where you do your own thing without thinking about your nephew, your sister or what the future may hold. Once you learn to relax more you will come to terms with everything and find it easier to cope. Create a memory book about your nephew with lots of stories, happy and sad, from his childhood, relatives, his friends and lots of photos. Involve your sister when she is able and it will help with her grief and coping with her own situation. It doesn't matter how many emotional breakdowns you have during this process - writing everything down and remembering things you thought were forgotten will help to ease your grief and the worry over your sister. Remember that she will be receiving the best treatment suitable for her and just needs time and patience.
If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat. You can use this link your area to find support near where you live. This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential.
Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.
There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.
This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back. This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.
This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.
Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.
Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.
Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around
the corner .......
All is well.
Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.
David
