Hello,
My Dad was diagnosed with Prostate Cancer 3.5 years before he died. Thanks to some amazing advancements in treatment, we had a fabulous 3.5 year’s together.
Everything changed last Oct / Nov when some symptoms returned and we sadly discovered that his treatment was no longer working. Due to having no bone marrow left, chemo was always going to be a last resort - which it was. He remained completely normal in his mental capacity, still working (from his bed - he loved his work), chatting over FaceTime but he was struggling physically with the side affects from the chemotherapy but he & we remained positive.
About 4 weeks into the chemotherapy my step mum rang to say not to worry but Dads gone into hospital as we think he had a urine infection. 4 hours later I had a call to say he was fighting for his life as he had Sepsis and my world fell apart. I was able to call his consultant & he told me that Dad was dying - they weren’t seeing any level of improvement.
A few hours later I was told that we could see him - I did the 4 hour drive and arrived at the hospital to see him, he knew I was there but couldn’t talk really. The decision was made that Dad wasn’t to know that he was dying - all treatment had been stopped at this point as his kidneys had failed too.
To our amazement he was still fighting on the Tues morning. Going back to the hospital felt so strange - we knew he was dying but he was still alive & people get better in hospitals.....it was such a mixture of emotions. We spent all day Tuesday by his side, went home that night expecting ‘that call’ but it never came so we were back by his side at 08:00 on the Weds. All day we talked to him, held his hand and ensured he wasn’t in pain.
At 16:15 on Weds he took his last breaths with me, my 2 sisters and step mum all holding his hands.
So why am I sharing all of this? Well, I just hope it will help - I miss him every day and still can’t quite believe he’s gone. Whilst I’m sure I’ll feel grateful in the weeks / months to come that I got to say goodbye I’m not there yet. Watching him die was traumatic & surreal & a vision that is often in my thoughts. I feel cheated out of time with him, I’m angry, I know he wasn’t ready to die & I just miss my Dad & my kids miss their Grandpa. Added to all of this, my father in law is terminally ill with prostate cancer & rectal cancer - I’m trying to support my husband whilst not over burdening him with all of my thoughts. He’s been an absolute rock for me.
Oh & I’m waiting for the results of my own biopsies- life is tough but we don’t feel sorry for ourselves- we don’t have time to! I’m trying to stay positive but some days - well, it’s just really hard. I have a cry & tell myself ‘come on, we can do this’.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. Whatever journeys you’re on, I hope they take you to a happier place.
Hi Jobs
Welcome to the community. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your dad and everything else you are currently going through.
You need to find time to grieve for your dad but still be there for your husband and kids. Maybe you and your sisters could have a weekend away just to chat and have fun and try to put everything else to one side for a short while. It may seem hard not being there with your family but at times we all need a break to protect ourselves and to protect them long term - you won't be much help if you don't look after yourself.
You can take great comfort from being with your dad when he passed and this would also have given him great comfort knowing he had his family with him. Your dad will always be around you and will try to guide and support you as best he can. Open yourself up so that any signs he sends are noticed such as finding something of your dads you thought was lost, radio / tv retuning to his favourite or finding a white feather unexpectedly. Talk to him when and where ever you want telling him how you feel about everything you are going through not just his passing and he will try to comfort you as best he can. Create, with the help of family members and friends of your dads, a memory book full of stories and photos. Writing things down is a great way to express your emotions, helps you to remember things you may have forgotten and will be something your own children can look back on in years to come.
If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat. You can use this link your area to find support near where you live. This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential.
Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.
There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.
This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back. This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.
This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.
Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.
Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.
Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around
the corner .......
All is well.
Hope this helps, that your tests come back okay and sending you a big hug.
David
