My daughter died two weeks ago of bowel cancer. She was 37 and was terminal at diagnosis over three years ago. We spent an awful lot of time together since doing bucket list travelling, concerts etc but of course this was stopped in the last year. After coping with terrible pain for years the end was pretty quick...
I’m really not doing well. I’m in a fog and my house is a tip. I’ve cried a few times but generally I’m just numb. Is this normal? People look at me with questions on their face and I don’t know what or how they expect me to react. My daughters girlfriend is her executor and has taken over everything so I don’t even have anything to do. Not sure I could anyway.
Is this normal? Has anyone else felt like this?
Hi MCJF
Welcome to the community. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your daughter.
You can take great comfort from having spent that time together doing all those things which would also have made her extremely happy. I know that you would both understand about the last year and not being able to enjoy so much time together.
Your current emotions are perfectly normal. Even though you knew she was terminal it is hard to lose anyone especially at such a young age. She had great strength to fight for 3 years and shows what a strong person she was. Feeling numb is perfectly normal and you shouldn't worry about how other people expect you to act. Until they have been in the same situation they can not fully understand how you feel. Don't worry about the house either. Talk to your daughter whenever you want to especially when visiting one of her favourite places and ask her to guide and support you. She will always be there and will try her best to let you know she is near and there for you. Open yourself to any signs she may send such as a white feather in an unexpected place or radio / tv retuning to her favourite show. Ask her to comfort you and to let you know that she is okay. Never bottle up your emotions but let these express themselves where ever and when ever you want - even in public you can shed tears quietly or go to the nearest toilet to let yourself have a good cry.
To help express all your emotions start a memory book about your daughter including stories from her childhood and lots of photos. You can involve other relatives, friends of your daughter and her girlfriend. Plant some of her favourite flowers in your garden or in the local park (with permission from the council). Your mind will help you over time to learn to recognise the triggers and help you create coping methods to deal with these. The pain never goes away but will feel easier as you learn to cope with the triggers. Your daughter would want you to grieve but also to stay strong and get through this and she will guide you as best she can.
If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat. You can use this link your area to find support near where you live. This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential.
Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.
There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.
This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back. This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.
This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.
Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.
Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.
Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around
the corner .......
All is well.
Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.
David
