I lost my mum om 5th November. Whilst she had a diagnosis of cancer, she actually died from sepsis. In the days leading up to her death, we couldn't get any support from services because of covid. Our nurse had to self isolate so could only catch up with us via phone. My mums death was a shock to everyone, friends, family and professionals.
She had only just been given a 2 year prognosis days earlier which we were trying to get our head around. On the day she died, she was admitted to hospital in order to get stabilised on oxygen, the plan being that she would return home at weekend and would then be starting her immunotherapy treatment. She waved us off as she went off in the ambulance and was smiling and sharing a joke. Two hours later they called us in to say our goodbyes. She wasn't conscious, she couldn't communicate, she couldn't squeeze our hands. She just died.
My mum lived with me and the loss is so profound for me, it takes my breath away. I miss her every single day. We shared so much of our lives together. I experience such a lot of different emotions. This week I'm feeling abandoned and ?jealous. This week I have convinced myself that my mum chose not to fight and chose to die to be with my dad. That makes me feel so heartbroken that I couldn't make her happy enough on earth to fight to stay with me. I know this thought will pass as I try to work through it.
My mum keeps appearing in my dreams and I am choosing to believe she is trying to comfort me. I'm 41 and I feel that I have so much left of my life to live and this will be without my mum and I find that completely unbearable. I constantly wonder when my heart will heal. When will this gaping hole be filled. How do we live and go on as though it's OK?
Has anyone ever used a self help book for grief that they can recommend?
