Just over two months ago I lost my step mum.
She wasn't just my step mum. She was my mum. Ellie accepted me for who I was, warts and all. She encouraged me, championed me and gave it to me straight.
Since she died I haven't really coped very well. I don't really know what to do about or with my grief. Every day I feel sad. Not all day. But a lot of times in the day. It's exhausting. Some nights I cry myself to sleep. Some times I can't get her out of my head. And it's not that I really want to. It's that I just can't deal with it. It's consuming. I feel like I'm alone even though I know I'm not. I don't want to talk to my Dad about it because I really don't want to add any more sadness to the huge amount he's already dealing with. I can't talk about it with my sister because I can't be honest with her about how I feel because of our mum. I already tried to explain that I feel like I've lost my mum and that didn't go down well. I try so hard not to get sad at home.because of the boys and Vicky. Vicky has been upset too because she lived Ellie to bits but I haven't been able to help her with that because I just can't handle anybody else's sadness. And that's selfish. I don't feel like I've been there for my Dad because when he talks about Ellie or gets upset I just freeze...it's all I can do to try and keep a lid on how sad I am.
We've been going round to spend time with our Dad and I do enjoy it but sometimes it's so hard being in the house. Ellie is that house. She's everywhere throughout it. I feel like she is just upstairs and will pop down any minute.
I miss her. I miss that she would understand how inferior I feel right now. I miss that she'd have text me and got it completely. I miss chatting to her. I miss her laughing and her funny jokes. I miss planning my wedding with her. I miss her telling me I'm her second favourite Cook. I miss seeing how much she loved my Dad. I miss seeing how happy she made him. I miss her buying random stuff for Mollie. I miss her every single day.
I just wasn't prepared with the gravity or depth or intensity of it all. And I get this is probably a bit waffling and may not make complete sense. But I just needed to write it down and get it out somewhere.
Hi Shekk
Welcome to the community. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your step mum.
Everything you are experiencing is perfectly normal. This often happens in families because we all grieve in our own way and at our own pace. When one is feeling sad another may not be and they find it hard to deal with. You are not being selfish with not helping anyone else - your mind is trying to guide you through your own grief. You can only help someone else once you have got over the worst of your own grief.
There are some things you can try to help you with your emotions. Your mum will always be around you and will try to support and guide you as best she can. Talk to her, let her know how you feel and ask her to guide you to do the right thing with your dad and sister. She will send a sign to let you know she is there and listening, this could be finding a white feather in an unexpected place, radios or t.v. retuning to her favourites or finding something that seemed to be lost years ago. You have to open yourself to recognise and accept these signs and let your mum guide you to do the right things. Visit one of her favourite places (local park) on your own and talk to her there and await any signs such as a bird coming extremely close. The signs may not happen immediately but a few days later so don't give up if nothing happens straight away. You could possibly plant a favourite of your mums in your garden or in the local park with council permission as a long lasting reminder. Ask your mum to contact you as best she can - holding a favourite item of your mums will help to send you a sign. It is even possible to have phone calls or texts but from unknown caller which could be your mum letting you know she is there to help.
Another great way of expressing your emotions is by compiling a memory book - it is easier to write about your feelings than same them. You can include stories from your childhood, stories of your mums childhood that she told you, stories from other relatives, stories from your mums friends and lots of photos. You could also try involving the whole family and this will help to get over any barriers between everyone and get everything in the open. The pain does not go away but over time your mind will learn to recognise the triggers and have coping methods ready so that you do not get as emotional. This time could be anything from a few months to a few years but you will gradually find it easier.
If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat. You can use this link your area to find support near where you live. This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential.
Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.
There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.
This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back. This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.
This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.
Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.
Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.
Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around
the corner .......
All is well.
Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.
David
Hi Shekk
Rollercoaster is the right term. You will have big highs and big lows but eventually as your mind teaches you to recognise the signs and you develop coping strategies these will not be as high or low. Eventually they will be very small with only the occasional large blip. Letting people know is good and hopefully they will show more understanding - don't worry if some think you should be better after a while as they may not have experienced anything similar so don't know what it is like. Do you have a true special friend who you can talk to whenever you want? Even if they just let you talk then give you a hug this will be of great help. Just take things slowly and let your step mum and your own mind guide you through this.
Sending you another hug.
David
