I lost my beautiful mum last week after an incredibly brave battle with lung cancer that had spread to her bones
I don’t even know where to start with what I want to say or how I feel. I guess firstly I feel I’ve let her down in many ways. She never really talked much about what was going on or how she felt during her battle. Thats just the way she was. She would have been trying to protect us. But it just makes me so sad and regretful that she processed things alone. She never even told us it had spread. I only found out when she was in hospital confused and her consultant told me. That’s also when her treatment stopped as it wasn’t working plus she was far too weak.
I am an oncology nurse myself but although I’m used to caring for people with cancer, seeing my own mum waste away before my eyes was torture. When I saw her in the week she was approaching death i actually felt scared. It was so hard to see her like that and at times I had to leave the room as I couldn’t face it. I also feel guilt for that. I shouldn’t have been scared to face my own mum.
Secondly I cannot get the images out of my head, of my mum being so thin and weak. I nursed her in bed at our family home and I held her in my arms and cuddled her as she passed away. That’s all I can see when I lie in bed at night. I wish I’d cuddled her longer, i wish I could hear her one more time. I wish I could feel her presence as a real person just one more time not just photos and memories. Although we knew she was dying i didn’t think it would be that night. I thought I had at least 1 more day of hugs. It just seems to happen all of a sudden my dad just called me into her room and minutes later she had passed away. Just a few hours earlier I’d been helping her walk to the toilet and feeding her yogurt. I’m pleased it wasn’t long for her at the end but it’s making it harder to process.
I am so lost without her. The pain is unbearable and I feel i will never feel true happiness again. She was 65 and had 4 grandchildren with 1 on the way. She had so much to enjoy and I’m sad she didn’t get to enjoy it for longer. I just wish I could hold her again. Life feels so empty without being able to share everything with her. I am so incredibly proud of her though for how brave she was.
Hi I just wanted to reply and send my condolences. I also lost my mum 4 weeks ago age 67 to secondary breast cancer. Very similar to you mum passed away at home and we looked after her is her final days. I also struggle with this seeing how frail she was and also the pain she was in. It still feels so surreal and I find it so difficult knowing I will not physically see her again.
she also had 7 grandchildren and one that she didn’t get to meet. She had seen pictures and videos of him but never physically got to see him or hold him.
we held mums funeral last week and have visited the cemetery everyday since.
we never expected this would happen as we had hope from consultants that she could have radiotherapy but that never happened. Mum deteriorated so quickly and we just can’t comprehend it.
I still haven’t been back to work and battle with anxiety, sadness and just the overwhelming grieve.
It still hasn’t hit me we won’t see her again and I don’t know if it will. Absolutely heartbroken 
Thinking of you and your family.
