Numbness, feeling nothing

Oh that’s funny-I am female! Didn’t even occur to me that I wasn’t giving anything away, my name is Charlotte️(was very tempted to wind u up & say my names Dave & what do I mean I’m feminine?!!)

Holly I hope you managed to get through Sunday? Not an easy day by any means. I felt all of our shared need to be left alone for Mother's Day (despite being a mum myself) & just act as if it was a vaguely ‘normal’ day & try to forget about it.

Apologies for the delayed response btw, it’s been a surreal, busy & rather shitty few days finalising endless probate forms & having the wrench of putting my Mum’s house on the market. But two more hurdles now in my wake.

Anyway, George Im glad u felt some comfort in my words. I know my poems are very basic but I posted them for exactly that-relatability. I don’t let anyone read them as I’m quite embarrassed that they are rubbish & can be quite dramatic (which is not me in reality at all). Its funny because I think that totally backs up ur spot on theory George, of us almost fluffing up our grief to protect others-so bloody true! Why do we do it? Is it intrinsic female behaviour? 
‘Oh dear, can’t upset anyone with my trauma??!’ That’s never occurred to me before, but it’s so bloody true, I definitely do that. I wonder if part of it is because those that haven’t got the Tshirt, just don’t know what to say, so I find myself consoling them, rather than vice versa! With my kids return to school & my reconnecting with acquaintance parents; I’ve now had two (lovely & thoughtful) people ask how my mum is...#awkward!! And found myself very bluntly saying she died and it was all a bit shit, but how ru doing? Shock & horror on their faces as I’m then rambling about trivial bollocks to try & change the subject! 

And incidentally (as u might have gathered) foul words are my favourites & never has ‘fuck’ ever come out of my mouth more than since my mums death. (I’m not easily offended either given my potty mouth!)

I find such visceral language slightly therapeutic, I don’t mean to offend, but it’s just me, doing what I need  

And Totally understand your anger George, I do still mostly feel numb but also get irrationally angry & sometimes wake up feeling like the world can just go fuck itself. As you say, I know it’s part of the process (as I kp reading stuff to see if my feelings r part of grief or just me being weird!) but I find it very reassuring that it’s not just me. 

As u said ladies, I too feel this is a comforting, safe space to share, so I thank you profusely for that. And completely concur with the ease of talking to strangers (albeit we r positively mates now!) as opposed to upsetting my nearest and dearest with my feelings & my drama which are often questioned, misunderstood and even judged. 

I try to just let the anger dissipate; which it usually soon does, but it seems to come & go in waves. And as I said, I often google grief stages & info to see if what I’m feeling is constituted as ‘normal’ & hopefully not just me going nuts!  
The hardest one for me is when I feel angry & almost resentful with lovely people who try to help me & be kind to me. Seems like I’m being horrendously ungrateful, but as u said Holly; I don’t really want people’s sympathy either-I find it a bit suffocating at times. However, I would actually like people to understand, but I can’t possibly expect them to when I’m not ready to let go or let anyone in. Bit of a headfuck!

I’m so aware that I’m not really dealing with my Mum’s death (& the fact that at 44 years old I have no parents now) but I continually find myself trying to be ‘normal’. Which I think my husband would find crudely hilarious as I’m sure I’m an unpredictable nightmare to live with at the moment!!

Im just trying to suppress the expectations I have of myself & just let myself be, though the heart and the head r at odds with one another. 

George, have u heard of anticipated grief? 
A friend enlightened me after my mum was diagnosed. I did my usual google therapy & it actually helped me to understand my feelings of impending doom. (Sorry if that’s harsh/dramatic as I certainly don’t want to upset u, just trying to relate)

When my Mum was diagnosed (2 years after my dads sudden death & 2.5years after my stepdad walked out) I cried hysterically for about 3 days straight & just wanted to scream like a tantruming child at the pain and injustice of it all. Someone suggested that I walk to a secluded spot on the hills or in the woods & do exactly that-scream my heart out! I never actually did it, for fear that someone would hear & think me stark raving mad or in the process of being murdered! But I’m saving it for a shitty day as I think it might be a well-needed release  

Anyway it’s worth a read about anticipated grief, u might find some comfort hon.  

Sending u both love & hugs

Charlotte xox 

Hi both

Charlotte, I know this is a forum for bereavement and I don't know if you realise it but I was laughing a lot through your post! I could just imagine the person you might be, funny, loud, life and soul of the party...I could be barking up the wrong tree but you sound like some who would put another in a good mood, even in depths of grief.  

I don't know about you both but I found Mother's Day bittersweet, grateful I'm a mother, grateful to have had a mother for 35 years.  I feel like I have to be grateful in my grief so people think I've turned a corner and coping...who am I kidding!  Of course, I am grateful but there is nothing grateful about death and a subject no one talks about; no one even talks about grief which is why finding this group and you two has been hugely helpful in that support.

This will make you chuckle since we've talked about how we deal with friends and their offer to help, although, not helpful at times and makes us scream.  I have a colleague at work (I returned yesterday much to my sadness as I could quite easily stay off for longer but hey ho) who texted me last night to say her father is ill, in hospital, he died but brought him back and is now stable.  All very sad and I completely sympathised with her until she went one step too far and said "I can't believe he actually died and they brought him back! I'm staring at my phone in disbelief".  I was gobsmacked at her insensitivity.  After stewing for a bit I had to call her out on it (she has made a number of insensitive comments over the year knowing full well my mother's health) and so I told her straight "without causing any animosity please know your audience.  Whilst I sympathise with your situation, my mum has died! I find your message incredibly insensitive".   My point being unless we're bold enough and let others know our position, we will just take it and brush over it.  Naturally, she apologies profusely and everything is fine between us but she didn't realise her actions and the person receiving the message nor did she know I went to bed crying opening a gaping hole in my heart.  I think my grief journey has led me to be open and honest even if people don't know how to take what I say but I'm almost more ruthless than I would usually be.  Usually, I'm polite, don't want to cause offence but over these last 7 weeks I've been more frustrated at the lack of thought and awareness so, I'm now educating people....haha!

Anyhow, Tuesday's are always a sad day for me since this was the day my mum died so the mind has a habit of going back to that day and remembering. I think I've moved back into disbelief and numbness; like nothing ever happened and my mum will be there when lockdown ends.  Going back to work I think had led to numbness too because I don't have the time in the day to think about my mum like I was so I don't feel I'm losing myself in thought...I find that a little disconcerting as I like to think about my mum; it makes me feel close to her; another stage of grief perhaps.

x

Hi,

my mum was diagnosed with osopheagul cancer in January 2020. She was 66. She passed away in October 2020.

I am still struggling to come to terms with the fact that she has gone and is never coming back. Just how is that possible?

Her cancer caused her continuous pain from the very beginning and she died with severe pain. The cancer had spread to her bones, spine and liver. She had several rounds of chemo and 25 sessions of radiotherapy. None of this worked. I feel like she should have just not bothered her last couple of weeks were filled with doctor visits, a week in hospital and then eventually her last few days in hospice. She was confused, agitated and in severe pain.

I remember the day she was taken to the hospice - the flashbacks are horrendous! The hospice nurse visited in the morning just to check how my mum was doing after coming out of hospital a couple of days before. My mum was confused, agitated and in pain. Her legs were mottled and swollen and she was having trouble breathing. The hospice nurse went up to her room to see her. She came back downstairs and immediately said “your mum is dying”. She rushed out the door to organise an ambulance to take my mum to the hospice. Before she left she said “if she dies before the ambulance arrives, don’t call for an ambulance just call the nurses at the hospice”. It was shocking but throughout the whole cancer diagnosis my feelings were just numb.

I went upstairs to see my mum. I sat next to her and she looked at me and said that she’s dying. I just didn’t know what to say. She told me she loved me and I told her and said it’s ok, I’m here. She was still so confused and could barely stay still from the pain. Her eyes were so glazed.

eventually the ambulance arrived and she was taken to the hospice and made comfortable. But the drugs meant that she was unable to communicate and was mostly sleeping until she passed away a few days later. My dad, brother and sister were all able to be with her when she passed. They were all very tearful and distraught but for some reason I was just very numb and couldn’t cry at all and still find it hard now. Even at her funeral I was numb of feelings. Anyone else feel like this? I loved my mum very much and we were extremely close. It doesn’t make sense.

I have cried once since her passing. I just feel like I can’t grieve properly and the pandemic is not helping.

Mx

Hi M, 

I’m so sorry hearing what you went through; it’s sounds utterly traumatic and can only imagine your anguish.  I can’t relate to the cancer ending I’m afraid, though my mum had non-hodgkins lymphoma and relapsed, it was whilst she was receiving chemo that she caught COVID and that ultimately took her life. Still utterly brutal and like you, visions that will always remain with me.

I do believe and I can only say this from my own grief perspective, that grief needs times in order to heal and it is a necessary process.  I have really wrestled, grappled and struggled through it but I’ve faced it head on, however painful, I knew in myself I could not stay in the pit of all-consumed grief; I actually didn’t like it but at the time it was needed.  You can only move at your own pace and grief cannot be forced.  

I completely understand your pain at losing your mum so prematurely; I feel it everyday especially looking through my children’s eyes and knowing my 2 year old will not have any memories and my 5 year old, at best, might hold onto one single memory in her life.  There are so many facets to a mum and that is the person I know you, I and others will miss tremendously. 

The only words I can offer is don’t be afraid of facing your grief, feel every emotion, think about it, wrestle, fight it, keep putting one step in front of the other and battle your way through.  I can only of course say this from my own experience and I am of the believe every single person will process their grief differently; no two people are the same but I can see the clouds lifting so this gives me hope.  This doesn’t mean I don’t think of my mum, I do every.single.day and it doesn’t mean I’m going to forget her, absolutely not! She is in my photos, my DNA, my memories and how she has raised me but I have come to think grief is a process but not to be paralysed and bound up in sorrow forever and I hope you can take comfort by those words. 

I’m under no illusion there will be triggers, just today my eyes welled, heart panged and a thump in my throat but I know I’m not in that all consuming place I once was.  

I have personally found this forum helpful as I don’t know a single person who has lost their mum like me at 66 and I’m 35 but I’ve discovered about 5/6 people out there who are in the same boat so this comforts me.  I really struggled with feeling isolated and alone especially through lockdown so I can relate to your grief; again, that’s where I found this forum helpful and I took to writing my thoughts down and reading.  Maybe that might help you? 

Also, don’t get hung up on only crying once; it’s a reflex, a response but it can’t be forced.  I don’t think I’ve seen (or know of) my dad crying once over my mum. Everyone is different in how they process their loss and maybe you’ve just been numb this whole time but that’s ok too, again you can only go at your own pace. 

Please know you are not alone and many share in your pain. 

Holly x

Hi Holly, George & all, 

Thanks for ur reply Holly, and I’d like to think u have my normal self fairly well surmised! Nice to know it filters through this weirdness that is grief  

I can certainly relate to ur bittersweet of Mother’s Day, All these firsts for me just seem to compound the bloody numbness if I’m honest  

How ru coping with work Holly & ur ever so sensitive colleague? I’m so sorry that she caused u such hurt & opened up ur ever raw wounds. Good on u for confronting the insensitivity & educating the well-meaning morons, people just don’t bloody think! Sometimes I think my dog reads my emotions better than most people! 

I hope ur managing to find some quiet splice for ur thoughts of ur Mum Holly, I know I need that too  I often come to ghee house & sit on my own, drink her wine, sit in her favourite seat & sleep in her bed  I know that’s not for everyone (including my lovely sister) but for me I find it a real comfort  I just return to my friend’s resonating words of ‘do what u need’  

love & hugs

charlotte xox

Hi Melod,

Im so sorry for ur loss & the trauma of what uv been through. I agree with Holly that everyone’s journey of grief is different even if ur in the same damn flight. My sister and I (although extremely close) both have different ways of dealing with our grief despite both feeling numb. 
For me, I think I’m numb because I just haven’t accepted that my beloved Mum has forever gone  personally I think my journey will be long haul. I’m definitely not at the final destination of trying to move on, I haven’t even taken off to acceptance & im nowhere near the runway  (Dont know where those weird analogies came from I don’t even work in aviation, but I’m going with it) I’ve literally just boarded the plane & I’m sitting there zoning out the safety talk as I’m petrified of the flight & where the emotional journey will take me. I think my personal numbness is simply because I’m not ready to face it yet. Despite having 2.5 years to technically prepare myself.  whereas for ur Melod, sadly, u only had months & ur devastating journey through those months is probably hard to process.

Although my Mums cancer journey was longer, at diagnosis her primary lung cancer had already spread to her brain  Over the next 2 years it then spread to her adrenal glands, possibly liver & eventually her bones. Although she had various treatments & therapies to aim to keep the cancer at bay, we were fighting a loosing battle. 
Like ur dear Mum, in the last few months mine too was in constant pain & even the daily increases on the syringe driver didn’t touch it.  It’s unimaginably hard seeing someone u love suffer so much & feel paralysed to make it better. Perhaps this is how u feel too? My mum ended her days at home with my sister & I giving her round the clock care. There’s no other definition of those last few weeks than utterly traumatic. So although our situations were different, I feel that I can relate to some degree. 
My mum, in her final weeks was totally confused & delirious from the meds; hallucinating, huge swollen legs (which burst the day she passed out on the toilet & we had to call paramedics), she talked gibberish & frequently called out in pain, even when she was totally sedated. My sister & I took in turns to do shifts & if I wasn’t at mums (she lived alone so not partner help) I was sleeping ready for my next shift.  My sister & I both found those last two weeks insufferably hard (though we wouldn’t have had it any other way as r mum wanted to die at home). Therefore, that period felt like months & at the moment that’s all I can remember of my Mum. Which seems so unjust as there was soooo much more to her than her cancer & her ending. I just need to find a way of erasing her end & I wonder Melod, if it’s similar for u??

Im just so sorry that it sounds as if ur Mum’s care-givers were totally insensitive to ur feelings. Their abrupt handling of ur wonderful Mum’s final days sounds totally inappropriate & uncaring. I can only imagine that their reactions made ur situation even more traumatic and devastating. 
mom not trying to fuel a fire, but I do relate to much that uv said.

Just don’t be too hard on urself Melod or beat urself up fir not falling apart with grief. I too am not there yet & nor will I be for some time.

Hope this helps a little?

take care, love & hugs 

Charlotte (Kamelotte) xoxox