Numbness, feeling nothing

Hi Kamelotte,

Your poem is beautiful and really packs a punch. I lost my first Step Dad in October (he brought me up from 8 months to 13) and my we have just got my 2nd Step Dad's (brought me up from 13 to now) diagnosis. I love both of these men more than I can explain, they made me who I am and after the first initial awkward years were actually close friends (weird I know but it worked for us). 

All you have explained in your poem is exactly how I feel at the moment. I shut down after I lost my first Dad so this new reality where I might lose my second has just added to that numbness. I keep waiting for it to hit me and I know it will kill me when it does but at the minute i'm just blank. 

I am also getting really exhausted with everyone else's need for me to be upset so they can help. I have said i'm okay, please just leave it at that. I have also turned to writing to help sort out my feelings, I haven't got too far with it but since you have shared it feels only fair I do too:

What else can I say?

Are you okay they ask, not once, not twice but again and again.

The cloying sweetness of their voices hurting my teeth.

Yes, I answer, yes I am sure. Yes, no change, I am still okay, thanks for asking.

What else can I say without sounding sour.

‘Any news, what are the updates’ they demand greedily, their insatiable need leaving me empty.

The disappointment on their faces soon replaced with disinterest

They have chewed the fat, found the rest wanting and have moved on for a time

Until the next juicy tragedy. Come in, find a table, ill get you the menu.

I hate myself for it, but what else can I say.

If you felt it appropriate I would love to see anything else you have written. I may be wrong but from reading the above you are very talented so I am guessing you have other pieces/

Thanks,

George (Georgina)

Your poems, although written through pain, are very honest and relatable.  I’m not a writer but I have been journaling my own thoughts through the loss of my mum six weeks ago.  I find myself preparing the kids food and will be lost in thought that I quickly type it out on my phone. 

I’m very much processing grief and expect it’ll take however long is necessary but I’m facing it, grappling, wrestling, acknowledging, struggling through it all.

In my own journey I am finding my thoughts have turned to grief breaks you down and bounds you in unimaginable emotion, pain and thought but the knots will loosen, the clouds of grief will begin to part and then it’s the new process of learning to live without that person.  The new norm of living and continuing forward and finding beauty in the world again which was once grey and dull.  

Grief is also individual.  There is no set process.  What I have learnt is there is no point anyone telling you how to grieve, what it feels like, what to expect, giving advice; unless you have been through it, one might be able to relate but the process of grief is still individual.  The way one person grieves their mother will be different from another.  As good intentions as it is for a friend to part wise words; unless you are ready to listen and absorb those words; the messages are fruitless.  The person grieving needs to come to that position of accepting those words in their own time.

I’m learning the best advice for someone who is grieving, is just to say you are thinking of them, offer practical help and never say how are you; instead say how are you coping. It should be quite obvious how I am...I have lost my mum; how do you think I am! 

I am usually a person who is positive, living in optimism and hope but my mum’s death has rocked me more than I could have imagined.  However, I recognise I’m on a journey of grief so I face it, feel it, think it, process it.  Every single day is different and whilst I know I’m not the person I was; I live in hope that one day my old self will return and those clouds will one day part. I like my old self but I know I cannot force myself to be that person. I’m in the reality of sadness and pain. I am suffering a major and traumatic bereavement which needs time, patience and honesty.

I completely understand how you feel there is no joy, laughter, colour, enjoyment right now; I feel that too and have found myself questioning a lot. This is grief and I believe is normal and expected. 

Wow, you say you aren't a writer but maybe you should be. Your words are extremely impactful, honest and beautiful. There is a lot you say that resonates with me, I also feel the power in what you don't say. I know that sounds very strange, I don't really understand what I mean there either. I'm not really a religious or spiritual person but I feel like I can feel the you that is in those words and the you that you are holding back a bit too in what you aren't saying. As a person dealing with grief (I lost the man that brought me up for 13 years in October and about to lose the man that brought me up from 13 to now) there is a lot of pressure and expectations for you to feel and behave in a certain way and anything other than that makes people very uncomfortable. Almost like there is an expiration date on on their kindness. I'm not sure if you guys feel this but for me I don't really want their sympathy. I don't think you can ever really get it unless you are in our situation. Grief is something I am really struggling with, i'm not very good at really feeling my feelings. In your writing I especially get the bit where you talk about feeling like you aren't you anymore, that's been a real struggle for me. I am positivity personified, so I try to keep up that but it's all so empty now. I'm not really sure who I am anymore x

Hi George & Finny,

I too agree that both your words are incredibly relatable and it takes one to know one in terms of grief. No one gets it until they’ve been there. And as u said Finny, whilst each process of grief is extremely personal and individual, there are commonalities that I’m sure will resonate with us all. For me, the best advice I’ve been given (by an understanding friend) was to be however I need to be, to do what I need and feel however I need in order to help me try to navigate through the fog of grief. 
I lost my Dad nearly 5 years ago very suddenly and I too felt like I’d shut down & totally lost myself; which perhaps now after loosing my Mum 2 months ago is why I feel numb. I wonder if it’s some weird self-preservation? Who knows, but I feel the same as u Finny, in terms of facing the journey wherever it may make you. 
After now loosing both my parents I feel like I could write a book on what not to do/say after someone had died! I get irrationally angry with well-meant comments from people who just don’t get it. That’s why i write so much down as a way of helping me process and rationalise with the person I don’t know as myself anymore. So again, I totally relate to that feeling of loosing oneself. I wrote something about that after the death of my Dad so I’ll paste it at the end. My garbled poems are very basic but just my coping mechanism. I’m happy to share George and yes I’ve written loads through my journeys. I’d love to hear more of yours too. 
Thank you both so very much for sharing your words, I find it really helpful to read emotions I can equate with. 
Thinking of both. X

Tomorrow's a brighter day...

Where am I?  I am lost.

Im not sure where I've gone, but I can't quite find myself.

Out of mind, out of body.

I'm in a blur, going through the motions of life.

I do not know this person that I am

It is not me, where have I gone?

I say hello & force a smile,

Yet half-hearted & heavy-hearted.

Isolated & numb.

Normal is a pretence that I cant yet reach.

Jumpy & irritable

I'm not my usual calm & happy self.

Senses heightened

I need quiet stability & comfort.

living my life a lye,

Pretending to be 'fine', but quietly dying inside

I may be present, but I'm disengaged, my thoughts r far from here

Fearful of my broken record,

I keep it tucked inside its sleeve

Disconnected & alone.

I can't quite seem to let anyone in yet

But how can I expect anyone else to empathise, when I don't even understand myself?

Physically & emotionally

I'm not yet ready to let go.

I need to hear your voice, touch your hand,

Yet u r not there.

I need to talk to you, to see ur face,

Yet u have gone.

I need to tell you that I love you & hear those words from u.

Yet ur voice is silent.

Deep down I know the reality, but I'm hoping ull walk thru the door any minute.

Part of me has died with u,

But my brave face tries to disguise it.

I am slightly broken now,

And not sure if or when I'll feel whole again.

Life goes on,

But prolonged sadness feels like wallowing & joviality feels like guilt.

When is it ok to feel normal?

When will I find myself again?

Perhaps once I've accepted that ur gone forever & never coming back?

Perhaps once I've had chats with u in my head & said all I need to say.

Perhaps all the tomorrows may be easier as tomorrow's always a brighter day?

Hi both, I’m finding this chat really helpful; almost therapeutic that there’s a common understanding with no judgement.  I posted my story of loss and the journey of grief I’ve been on so far under the title “grieving my mum in lockdown” if you wanted to read that. It’s basically an insight into the build up of losing my mum and the accounts of grief I’ve felt.

Absolutely touched by your response George. I do have a Christian faith and believe in God but I know that doesn’t mean I’m exempt from experiencing loss and pain. In all honesty my mum’s death has rocked me more than I thought and like you suffered unbearably with grief.  I have endured the shock, denial, pain, sadness, questioning, the why’s, pouring my heart out and I think it’s all part of the process; it’s a natural, human response and reaction to how we feel at this very present and physical loss.  The time between my mum’s death and funeral was one of bumbling along but after the funeral was when the whole rawness went full turbo.  I realised then my grief was only just beginning.  This is when I made the decision I was not going to hide away from my grief.  I have literally wrestled and grappled the whole way through and continue to do.  I do think there in power in how one chooses to deal with grief.  I very much fell into a pit of grief and at the time it felt impossible to ever climb out.  I remember thinking I know grief is necessary but I don’t want to cross the line of it becoming unhealthy.  I’m not someone who suffers badly with mental health but I have a new found respect and understanding.  I was aware if I kept letting myself become consumed by this crippling pain of grief, I might find it harder to overcome.  I know you are finding this a struggle but I do encourage you to feel your feelings and face the journey.  I chose to face grief head on, however painful the journey will be, I needed to endure it and hope it leads to healing and recovery.  I am not through the journey but I am not consumed by my grief like I once was.  For me, I had two choices.  Try and figure this out on my own or draw on my faith with God as my guide and helper. I trust that God knows what it good for me even in the storm of losing my beloved mum.

Grief has exposed me and stripped me of everything I thought and was and like you raised a lot of questions...who am I? Will I ever be the same? How can I have joy after such a loss? To some extend that is ok but it needs to be harnessed in the right way.  My life has literally been paused and like you, I don’t care about certain things, the trivial things of life really are just that but now I find myself thinking how can I learn and grow from my grief, how can I use this life lesson to a more meaningful life for myself. Whilst none of that is figured out, that is ok too.  What I can take confidence in and what I am learning a lot through these past six weeks is my grief has been very fluid, no one day has been the same so I literally live one day at a time and no more.  My thoughts and feelings are essentially temporary because they change often so I cannot rely on my past six weeks of grief to use as a permanent roadmap going forward.  Who knows if I’m going to be like my old self but I live in hope that one day it’ll return but right now, I don’t force it, I just be.  The words from Kamelotte’s friend, be however you need to be, do what you need and feel however you need in order to help navigate through the fog of grief is something I absolutely understand.

I understand when you say you don’t want people’s sympathy.  I found I just wanted and still do, to be left alone.  Unless you’ve been through this, absolutely no one can relate and I’m honest with friends and say “I don’t need people to understand, I just need space and time to go through this grief”. A friend said a few days ago they hoped I was enjoying the sunshine! As well intentioned that message was it was the furthest thought from my mind. Friends just don’t get it.  I am not even thinking of the sunshine; I am always thinking of my mum.   

We all have a shared experience to offer support and help along the way.

Thinking of you and hope these messages bring support.

Holly x

Have sent a reply via Kamelotte’s post. X

Hi ladies,

I agree with u Holly that this chat is quite cathartic & I’m comforted by all that uv both said as it’s all so relatable. 
People’s attempt at sympathy and the horrendous silver lining I find almost insulting. There is no good side to a death, whether it’s quick or drawn out. Either way it’s just shit, so I resent those well-meant comments I get. ‘At least u had that time together’ & ‘At least the end was quick’ 

My mothers end was horrendous, with my sister & I giving her 24hr care at home so there were no silver linings to to drawn-out & painful death we witnessed. 

All that aside, like u say Finny, I just want to be left alone to process my trauma. Fuck the sunshine, (forgive my crassness) but Ur well-meant friend Finny was way off! The clouds r looming but we try to catch glimpses of sunshine in between if we possibly can. 

thinking of u both & sending love at this difficult time xox

Hey Holly,

Firstly it's really nice to meet you. Secondly, I am in awe at how well you are able to describe how you are feeling and how things have impacted you in such an honest and frightening and beautiful way. Reading your post has just reaffirmed that I might not know exactly what you are going through and vice versa but we still get it more than others who haven't dealt with this. Not that I don't appreciate the support I am lucky enough to receive from my Husband/friends etc, some people don't have that support network, but being able to be open with others who are in the same mind set free's me from the worry that I am over sharing, that I am bringing the mood down, that i'm making them feel awkward which isn't their fault. I am glad that you have found a way to help with your faith. I have always dipped in and out of my faith (34 now) but overall understand the idea of something more than me, more than us. So i take solace in that but the idea of dealing with my grief after losing my first has been seriously hampered by the reality I might have to do it all again. Your explanation of what it is to deal with grief, the fear I have about doing that when I think i'm muddling along quite well not doing (spoiler, i'm not lol) and where you are at with all of this was really refreshing and helpful to read. For the first time in all of this, I don't feel quite so alone. Thank you x

Hey Kamelotte,

Again, your words are very powerful. I think because the situation is so emotive I can feel how you felt writing it and that's exactly how I felt reading it. There isn't much poetry that can do that because writers try to hind what they are saying but when it comes to stuff like this that isn't what I like. Not that I like to see anyone in pain, I wouldn't wish the way I am feeling on anyone, but to read your words and realise that every verse relates to me and how I feel, that is actually quite comforting. I take a lot of comfort in writing and i'm always happy to share as I feel like organically we have created a really nice space here for us to share our work or feelings and get support.

Lots of love,

George (Georgina but no one calls me that) x

Do you know what, this chat could do with a bit more fucks! No offense intended Kamelotte but reading through our posts tonight I feel like we have been very truthful with each other (which is great BTW) but almost feminine in our anger. This is where the no offense comes in Kamelotte because I know that myself and Holly are female but not out here to assume your gender :)  Reading through our posts I can see a bit of a running theme and it is that grief has been hard for us but it might be because we are trying to wrap it up in a nice socially acceptable box so that it doesn't burst forward and offend our partners/friends/family. This may be me being way off base, which please feel free to say (I don't want to speak for anyone else and I'm not easily offended being a Scouser ) and may just be how i'm feeling right now but I am feeling my grief turn into anger. Again, I get that I one of the stages, how have you guys dealt with that? 

Either way, I am so glad I have met you two x