My dear mum lost her fight to breast cancer over a year ago. Her passing still remains quite raw to me. I feel like I have gone into a state of depression and my whole world feels dull without her. I have a beautiful son who is the love of my life and my partner but I find everyday a struggle to remain happy, I have bouts of happiness and many hours when I want to be left alone! When Mum was first diagnosed it was a huge blow to me and Mum took it so much better than me, after having a lumpectomy it was decided to remove her breast as the cancer was much more aggressive than initially thought. Mum had treatment and was on anti cancer medication and seemed to be improving. However in Nov 2019 just short of my birthday mum was admitted to hospital with high calcium levels, after various tests and treatment mum gradually got worse, she developed fluid on her lungs, ascities and started vomitting small amounts of blood she also developed akf. She had minor surgery perfomed to resolve her kidney function however with little success. My brother and I were called into a meeting with her specialist and pallative care and there we were told my darling mother's cancer had spread to her back and her kidneys and she wasn't very well. The light in my eyes went out and I had to very quickly accept that my mum was going to pull through this. Mum was able to come home to her carer where I would travel down and spend precious hours with her signing and reminding her of special memories, we jept mums diagnosis from her. I saw mums decline and the last day I saw her was not a memory that I wish for anybody to have to see of there loved one, I was not with Mum when she passed over through personal choice as I didn't want that memory to stay with me. I beat myself up everyday because of this but i also have nighmares of my last time I saw her. Mum died peacefully at home. Every day since that passing is a struggle, Mum was very routine and would call endlessly throughout my day I miss that, I miss her voice her hugs her smell everything about her. My days all seem like groundhog day and are spent when I am not at work or my son is at nursery occupying myself to avoid complete meltdown. I cry everyday and talk to her everyday it all seems so unreal. Am I right to be feeling like this?
Kaye
Hi Kaye
Welcome to the community. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your mum. What you are going through emotionally is perfectly normal, We all grieve in our own way and at our own pace so there is not right or wrong way or time frame. The stronger the bond you had will be why you are feeling this way. It is good that you are able to cry to let some of your emotions out. It is also good that you talk to your mum as much as you want. When you talk to her ask her to support you through these difficult times - she will always be around you and will try to support and guide you as best she can. You have to open yourself to any signs that she is listening which may happen straight away or a few days later. These could anything such as finding a white feather somewhere unexpected, radios / tv retuning or a bird coming very close to you to say hello.
You can take great comfort that your mum passed both peacefully and at home - many would just take one of these. Your mum would know and understand why you were not there when she passed and this would have given her great comfort knowing that it would have upset you if you had been there. Maybe because of your own family you have been staying strong for them and it is now time for you. Visit one your mums favourite places (local park, beach) on your own and talk to her there, open yourself to accept any signs that she may send. Do you have a best friend who you can really open up to? Maybe (restrictions permitting) you and your friend could go for a weekend somewhere to relax and grieve without family or work commitments.
Another great way to express your emotions and keep memories alive especially for your son is to create a memory book. This could be done as a family so you all get a chance to share exactly how you are feeling without hiding anything to protect others. Include stories from your childhood (happy and sad), stories your mum told you of her childhood, stories from other relatives and your mums friends and lots of photos. Overtime you will find that the pain is still there but your own mind will learn to show you how to recognise triggers and how to deal with them so that eventually you can talk about your mum and her passing without showing emotions but still feeling them. Even after many years you may still get caught out and something can trigger an episode of emotions - don't fight it just let it happen. This is what your mum would want you to do to stay as healthy as you can for yourself and your family.
If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat. You can use this link your area to find support near where you live. This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential.
Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.
There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.
This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back. This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.
This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.
Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.
Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.
Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around
the corner .......
All is well.
Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.
David
Hi Kaye,
im so very sorry for your loss, sending u lots of love
️
I totally agree with DaveyBo’s advice, such lovely words.
I only lost my Mum 2 months ago and am feeling totally numb, but everyone keeps telling me that the subsequent years are harder than the first, as reality sets in. So I think your feelings and your grief is to be expected. I think I have it all to come.
Please don’t beat yourself up for not being with your Mum when she passed, my sister & I weren’t with our Mum either, but I try to console myself with the fact that I think she chose to go without us there, to spare us. I’ve heard that quite a lot & the same scenario happened with my Granny’s death. So I’ve decided that it’s the choice of the dying in order to protect their loved ones. I hope that may bring u some comfort too.
It’s so hard when your loss is such a big part of your routine & your day to day. I massively feel that too as my Mum was almost my day job and my purpose so I can totally relate. I had a total meltdown when I realised I didn’t have any saved voicemails from my Mum as I so desperately needed to hear her voice.
what we’ve been through is totally traumatic so we need to allow ourselves whatever time it takes to try & heal & somehow find our new normal.
People keep saying to me that it can take years to come to terms with, so I guess it’s about not expecting too much of ourselves, even years down the line.
As DaveyBo said, we need to take comfort in the things our loved one enjoyed & try to keep talking about them & to them to help us come to terms with their loss. A friend told me that once he’d had counselling, he now feels his Mum is with him everyday. I long for that positive comfort so plan on following his suit.
I wish u all the very best and send u big hugs xox
