Hi Everyone
i lost my dad on 17th January and since had his funeral. I’m struggling at the moment just don’t know what to do! I cared for my dad for the last 7 weeks of his life and I’m second guessing everything I did, did I do enough? Should I have done things differently? And I’m feeling guilty about his final days, he was in pain I thought so we called in the nurses, but from then he went downhill so quickly and never spoke again. I feel I kissed time to talk about how he was feeling and I wanted to tell him how much I loved hi but he slipped away when we were there with him but all lying quietly or sleeping!
Can anyone help me through this?
Hi Sheep
Welcome to the community. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your dad.
The fact that you were there with him when he passed (sleeping or not) would have have given your dad great comfort knowing his loving family were beside him to make his passing easier. This should also give you great comfort knowing that you helped in this way. When you cared for him you did everything you thought was right at the time. Hindsight will always make you question if it was enough, was it the right things. Remember that everything happens for a reason and this was the way it was meant to be. Your dad would know that you were doing what you thought was right and best for him out of love for him and he wouldn't have wanted it any other way. Remember that we all grieve at our own pace and in our own way so don't worry if others seem over it before you or don't show emotions.
Overtime you will find that the hindsight and pain do not go away. However, your mind will teach how to recognise trigger signs and how to react to them so that you do not feel so emotional. Think what your dad would want you to feel about this. He will always be around you to support and guide you as best he can so talk to him as often as you want telling him how you feel and ask him to support you through this. He will always try to give you a sign that he is near and listening and you have to open yourself up to accept these signs which could happen at anytime. They could be radios and t.v. re tuning to his favourite programme, finding a white feather somewhere unexpected, a breath of wind on a still day. Visit one of his favourite places on your own and talk to him there and await any signs then or a even a few days later.
You could do things such as plant his favourite flower in your garden as a remembrance or put a named plaque on a park bench at his favourite spot. A great way to express all your emotions is to start writing a memory book which includes stories from your childhood, stories from your dads childhood, stories from other relatives and your dads friends and lots of photos. This will also keep all the memories for future generations and if you do it with family members is a great way to all share your emotions with each other which is sometimes difficult.
If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat. You can use this link your area to find support near where you live. This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential.
Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.
There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.
This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back. This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.
This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.
Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.
Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.
Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around
the corner .......
All is well.
Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.
David
