My mum died very quickly almost a year ago and I’m still completely broken and I don’t feel like I’ve moved forward at all. I just want her back and I feel like I’m waiting for this to all be a dream. I’m turning 30 soon and it kills me that my mum isn’t here. My 2 year old daughter is missing out on what an amazing grandmother she would of been and I’m so angry. Why was she taken? My dad and sister have moved on with their lives and I’m stuck. Why can’t I get better? Why am I so broken? I’ve tried talking about it to people but it just hurts and makes me feel worse. I’m so sick of putting a fake smile on every day when I’m dying inside. She should be here. She was an incredible woman and because of covid she died alone in hospital because we couldn’t be with her. She didn’t deserve it. Sorry for ranting I just don’t know what to do.
Hi Mellymay
Welcome to the community. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your mum.
You don't need to apologise for ranting - you can rant here as much as you want. Someone will get back to you sooner or later even at sill o'clock in the morning - the site is open 24/7 so rant away if it helps to get things out of your system.
With regards to your dad and sister moving on, remember we all grieve in our own particular way and in our own time frame so there is no rush for you to move on. This will happen when you are ready to, your own mind will know what is best for you and when. You will have not grieved as much as you possibly could have becuase you have a daughter to take care of and have been staying strong for her.
Your mum will always be around you and will try to support and guide you as best she can. Talk to her whenever you want - even trivial things like mention it is raining and / or windy. Open yourself to accept any response you may get which could be finding a white feather somewhere unlikely, radios / t.v retuning, breath of wind on your face on a perfectly still day. The sign(s) may not come immediately as your mum will want to make sure you are ready to accept them without getting too upset. Tell your mum how much you miss her and how you wished you had been there at the end. I'm sure she will undertsand why you couldn't be there and would know how much this hurts and she will try to ease this pain if she can.
A great way of getting emotions out is by creating a memory book. This will include happy and sad stories from your childhood, stories your mum told you of her childhood, stories from other relatives and some of your mums friends and lots of photos. This will also be great for your daughter as she grows up you can share all these stories with her. Take your daughter to one of your mums favourite places and just talk to her and quietly await any response. Sometimes children are aware of a response before the adult so open up and watch carefully.
If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat. You can use this link your area to find support near where you live. This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential.
Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.
There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.
This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back. This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.
This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.
Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.
Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.
Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around
the corner .......
All is well.
Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.
David
