So I've lost both parents to the same type of cancer. My dad nearly 2 years ago, my mum nearly two months ago, but grief is still coming and kicking me. They both died really fast, my dad 9 days after diagnosis, my mum just 4 days. I thought I would be more prepared this time, but its still coming and knocking me for 6 in waves. I try to take comfort in the fact they didn't suffer as much as others because of how quick it was, but I'm so angry still, and it will sound silly but I'm jealous of others now. I'm jealous of people who still have their parents. I am a fully grown woman of 28 with was daughter of my own, but I feel like a kid still, and I feel alone in the world now. no one else to turn to because they are gone. I know it must sound so silly but I feel so abandoned. I know its now their fault and I know its not something they chose to do but it doesn't help. I still get flash backs of being in the hospital with them both, of holding their hands as they just went and stopped breathing, and I know I am lucky for that opportunity, but it haunts me, that what if I didn't do enough? what if they didn't know how loved they were? I know it sounds really juvenile but I just want my mum and dad back.
My dad's was horrible, when he told me he broke down crying telling me he was sorry, he had only just gotten me back after being estranged for so long, and he got this awful disease. I did my best to be there for him as much as I could be being a single mum. The day he died, he had been comatose for a good few hours before I arrived, and we knew it wasn't long left, because he was struggled with his words the few days before hand, even though he was comatose when I walked into the room he sprang to life, and sat bolt upright, and tried to reach me and I just held him and told him to calm down because I was there now. He settled back down, and a few hours later died.
My mum's was so different. she had told me she was ill a few weeks before hand, and had begged for help and I didn't believe her. She had lied about being ill so much in my life. I still supported from afar but I feel so guilty. When I spoke the hospital the day we discovered she had cancer I didn't realise how bad it was they wouldn't give me a time period, and weren't having a meeting about her care until the following week. So I didn't think there was a rush. 4 days later we got the call to come in and say goodbye as soon as we could, and of course I flew up there, and got to sit with her for pretty much all of her last hours, but I have this horrible feeling it just wasn't enough.
I wouldn't wish this on anyone, and I know people say its better when its quick, and kinder, but I wish the aftermath was as easy to deal with. I feel so stupid feeling so lost and child like, and the fact its been two months I feel like i should be getting back to normal by now, but the truth is I don't know how. I have what is classed as traumatic grief for my dad, and I'm so scared I'm going to end up with it again with mum. I'm trying so hard to deal with things this time, as I had a lot more going on with dads passing, but I feel just as lost, and just as helpless. Sorry for the rant I was just hit with another wave of it and I just needed to get it out somewhere.
Hi Legogurl
Welcome to the community. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of both your parents.
Uou can take great comfort from being with both of them at the end this would have given them reassurance knowing how much you loved them and would miss them. This would have made their passing much easier than if they had been alone. It sounds as if both hung on until you got there so that you could share the moment and know that they would soon be at peace and not suffering.
Feeling guilty is one of the many symptoms of grief. We can all use hindsight and wonder if things could have been different. Would it have made any difference if they were. Everything happens for a reason and the way things did happen for you was meant to be. Sometimes we have to suffer this pain to gain strength. We all grieve in our own way and at our own pace so there is time when you should be getting back to normal - your own mind will know what is best for you and when. The pain and memories do not go away. However, your mind will teach ways to recognise triggers and how to cope with these situations as time goes on. Therefore, you will still have the memories and pain but will not feel as emotional as you will gradually come to terms with everything.
I think, because you have your own daughter, that you have not fully given yourself time to grieve for either parent. They will always be around you and will try to guide and support you as best they can. Talk to them whenever you want - even simply saying how bad the weather is. Tell them how you are feeling and ask them to comfort you. Open yourself up to any signs they give (which may take a few days) to show that they are near and listening such as a white feather in a room for no other reason, radios / t.v. re tuning to favourite programmes. Visit a place they both loved and go their on your own and talk to them then quietly wait to see if you get any response. You need to find time to grieve and stay strong for your daughter - if you don't grieve fully it may cause you to become less able to function fully. You don't say how old your daughter is but maybe you could let her help you create a memory book of both your parents - include stories from your childhood, stories they told you from their childhoods, lots of photos, stories from other relatives and friends of your parents. Include happy and sad stories so that you keep as many memories alive and doing this is a great way to express your emotions.
If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat. You can use this link your area to find support near where you live. This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential.
Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.
There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.
This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back. This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.
This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.
Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.
Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.
Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around
the corner .......
All is well.
Hope this helps and sending you and your daughter big hugs.
David
