I lost my dad last week.
He had a rare and aggressive form of cancer and it happened very quickly. He was only 56 so I am struggling to come to terms with what’s happened. I feel utterly heartbroken and overwhelmed by the fact that I will never see or speak to him ever again. Whatever else happens in my life, he won’t be there. However long I live I will never see his face again. It doesn’t feel real.
He was such a kind and loving man, it all feels bitterly unfair. I have posted here as I’m struggling to talk to anyone in real life. My mum needs my support and nobody else really understands what I’m going through. Even my partner seems to think I should just be carrying on like normal. I just need to speak to people who understand this pain.
Hi Bookworm
Welcome to the community. I'm sorry to hear about the recent loss of your dad.
Your dad will always be around you and will always try to guide and support you as best he can - it's only his physical body that is not around. Talk to him whenever you want, ask him to support, tell him exactly how you are feeling. Open yourself to any response which may happen straight away or in a few days - finding a feather in your bedroom for no reason, radio re tuning to his favourite song, feeling a breath of wind when everything else is perfectly still. Visit one of his favourite places such as the local park on your own and talk to him and see if there, tell him that you miss him so much and want to know that he is okay.
When it happens quickly it is very hard to accept but you can be thankful that he did not suffer too much for too long - this would be his wish to save causing you so much sadness at seeing him like that. You can things to help with long lasting memories such as plant his favourite flower in your garden or change your car to the same as his and he will feel more comfortable being in it with you. Create a memory book full of your childhood stories, stories from your dads childhood that he told you, stories from friends of your dads and relatives. Include lots of pictures. This is a great way to keep your memories alive and also helps to express how you are feeling by putting things down in black and white.
You do need to stay strong for your mum and help support her through this but you also need to have your own private grieving time without your mum or partner. Try not to bottle up your emotions too much as this can cause you more distress and probably not what your dad would want you to do. Even in a supermarket, letting silent tears flow will probably not be noticed - you could go to the toilet for a quiet few minutes or even just leave. Maybe your partner has not experienced a loss and therefore does not know what to say or day in case it upsets you - you need to tell them it is okay to discuss it, leave this open on the computer to be seen, if you write ideas for emory book leave them to be seen and eventually you should both feel comfortable about this.
If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat. You can use this link your area to find support near where you live. This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential.
Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.
There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.
This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back. This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.
This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.
Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.
Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.
Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around
the corner .......
All is well.
Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.
David
