I lost mam 27th Dec 2020 to lung cancer which spread other parts of her. I last seen her 23rd Dec we laughed talked washed her. I took a call off her doctor because my name was point contact after mam had stroke at beging of covid. Mam hadn't been well blood tests where shown her kidneys liver where massively dehydrating. I asked the doctor be honest blunt to me. And she did your mam is dying could days weeks I sobbed. I had to tell my dad brothers what doctor said we all agreed not tell mam cause we lose her quicker. The last time I spoken to Xmas day and in her words she had enough. My heart broke on the phone.
I didn't go see mam I wanted to remember her us laughing talking. I don't regret it. Her service was 12th Jan beautiful service no words were spoken just her favourite music. Had collection box for chemo daycare unit.
The normal struggle fall sleep but now, I carnt picture my mams face... That really upsets me where I lay crying silently even writing this out. It feels like mam passed ages ago.
I have photos of her round the house but today I put photo on my phone with us both together on holiday smiling.
I talk about her to family even speak to her but never tell them how I feel. I don't want to upset dad I need to be strong for him.
Does anyone else have these feelings? I'm going back to work on Thursday and I really don't want to go my heart is not with it.
Ive heard people say before this
life goes on time is greatest healer.
Grief you never get over it you live with it.
But hurt of losing loved one never goes I don't think people have said on here grief hits them by supprise months years later brief moments.
Hi Fox
Welcome to the community. I'm sorry to hear about the recent loss of your mum. We all grieve in our own individual way and at our own pace so don't worry about how long it takes or how it happens. You need to talk about your emotions - your dad and brothers will be feeling the same way. You will all feel a bit wary of saying the wrong thing in case of upsetting someone but keep your feelings locked up will be much worse in the long run. It is okay for you to be strong for your dad and I'm sure he appreciates it but you also need to be strong for yourself. What would your mum want you to do? What happens if you become ill through bottling up your emotions and can no longer be there for your dad?
The pain does not go away. However, your ability to recognise the triggers will improve over time as also will your ability to mask your emotions on the outside. You will still find things upsetting but will not burst into tears as often as you will learn that the grieving process will make you stronger. Yes, grief can hit many years later out of the blue and sometimes your ability to recognise this will be caught off guard. Your brain will know what is best for you and when so, at the moment you need to express all your emotions, but in future your brain may think that you need to express some emotions that have been building up and this is when an unknown trigger will hit. This is also why, at the moment, you find it difficult to remember your mums face - your brain is holding that back to stop you from getting you too emotional. As your emotions gradually ease your mums face - especially in her happier times - will reappear.
Try visiting one your mums favourite places (park, beach) on your won and talk to her when there. Tell her exactly how you feel and ask her to help you. Your mum will always be around you and will try to support and guide you as best she can. Open yourself to allow any responses through - these may not be immediate but several days later and could be finding a white feather in the house, radio re tuning to her favourite music, finding something of your mums hidden in a draw for years.
Create a memory book with lots of stories from your childhood, stories from your mums childhood, stories from other relatives - get the whole family involved, stories from your mums friends and lots of photos. This not only keeps all the memories alive but is a great of expressing all your emotions especially if you work on it together as a family.
If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat. You can use this link your area to find support near where you live. This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential.
Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.
There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.
This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back. This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.
This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.
Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.
Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.
Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around
the corner .......
All is well.
Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.
David
