Grief does it ever get easier ... my dad gained his wings.

FormerMember
FormerMember
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Hi all, 

Havent been on for a while. I lost my dad is may 2020 after a 2 year battle with oesophageal junction cancer. My dad was my best friend and it really hit me hard, the first of everything is hard so I’m told. He gained his wings a week before his birthday, first Christmas and new year without him just been a difficult one. Just can’t seem to stop crying these last couple of weeks .. does it ever get easier the grief??.  I don’t really talk to many people as they don’t seem to understand.l if I hear it will get better with time I think I may scream!. I had to go for an appointment tonight myself at the breast unit (everything is fine no concerns) but I was sat looking across at the wards thinking last time I was here I was visiting him. I keep having awful dreams that his cancer has come back and he’s in pain, which he wasn’t at the end the McMillan nursing team is was incredible and I can’t thank them enough for all there support and care they gave my dad at home !! What does everyone else do regarding grief to try and help ?? 

Thank you xx 

  • Hi Greens87

    Welcome to the community.  I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your dad.  The first year is the hardest but, and i know it is easy to say, but it does get easier over time.  This is because you start to learn what the triggers will be and how to react so they seem less painful and less frequent.  Talk to your dad whenever you want to, even simple things like coming indoors and saying how cold it is outside.  He will always be around you and will try to guide and support you as best he can.  Visit on of his favourite places and talk to him there.  Open yourself to any response which may happen immediately or a few days late such as a white feather where there are no birds, radio re tuning to his favourite music, finding something in a draw you haven't seen for ages.  Create a memory book with stories of your childhood, stories from your dads childhood, stories from relatives and your dads friends and lots of photos.  This will keep many memories for the future and is also a great way of expressing your emotions by putting things down on paper.  You are doing the right thing by crying - don't ever bottle up your emotions.  If you are in a public place (work, supermarket, park) just go to the nearest toilet for a quiet five minutes or leave completely until you learn to deal with the triggers.  Remember we all grieve in our own way and at our own pace so no right or wrong about grieving.  Do you have a partner or close friend you can talk to when you need to?  A true friend will be there for you at all times and even if it is just a silent hug will know how to comfort you just by listening.

    If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat.  You can use this link your area to find support near where you live.  This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential. 

    Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.

    There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.

    This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back.  This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.

    This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.

    Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -

    Death is nothing at all.

    I have only slipped away into the next room.

    I am I and you are you.

    Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.

    Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.

    Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

    Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.

    Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.

    Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.

    Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.

    Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?

    I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around

    the corner .......

    All is well.

    Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.

    David

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember in reply to DaveyBo

    This has been a huge help thank you David, it’s nice to be able to talk to someone about grief I tried counselling but didn’t do much at the time but all was still very raw I guess. Yes I have a very supportive partner and family but don’t tent to share and I don’t want to upset them by them worrying about me been upset if they makes scence.  I will defiantly look into the leaflet and start making a memory journal.

    thank you x

  • Hi Greens87

    Glad to be of help.  It is hard to know when and who to talk to - you don't want to upset or annoy others but need to talk to someone.  They probably feel the same - they will want to support you but not sure what to say in case it upsets you.  Maybe you could try talking to either your partner or a family member but just a brief comment about it then move onto something else, see what the reaction is and you will know if it's okay to talk or not.

    Remember the phone line is open 8 - 8 365 days and you can post here anytime you want even 2:00 a.m. and someone will respond as soon as they can.  Always ask your dad to support you through this and if you open yourself to his help you will feel the comfort he sends you.

    Sending another big hug.

    David