My beautiful Mum has gone to Heaven only two days ago on Thursday morning.
I have never known pain like this. I can't stop crying.
She had stage 4 ovarian cancer and battled through the whole of 2020. On December 11th she went into the Royal Marsden in excruciating pain. The cancer was impacting her bowels stopping them from working. She couldn't eat. Her last meal she had was on December 10th and passed away in The Royal Marsden on 7th January.
We were called as a family to see her on Tuesday and Wednesday so we could sit with her. I played her music and prayed for her and although she couldn't speak to us she knew we were there and kept opening her eyes to look at me. I actually got a little laugh out of her when I said to her "Don't worry, I won't sing to you" And when I said to her "Jesus is waiting for you" She managed the words "Not yet, Not yet" They were very precious moments.
Nurses called Dad at 04:30 Thurs and he got there at 05:00, she took her last breath at 05:20, so she waited for Dad to be there. I got there at 05:45 and was able to tuck her in and kiss her goodnight.
We didn't want to leave her and kept thinking she was going to open her eyes like the day before.
I actually waited until the porters came to take her to the mortuary. I work at the same hospital, so I was able to walk down with them and left them at the door. I didn't want to leave her.
I just can't believe she's gone. Dad is being very practical and sorting things out already but I know he's breaking inside. They were married for 54 years and he's upset that he couldn't spend any quality time with her before she went.
I haven't seen my dad today as I am aware he must need his own time and space, but I was with him yesterday afternoon and I didn't want to leave him on his own.
I am exhausted, but I feel so nauseous and my eyes are so sore from all the crying. I know it will get better, but I don't know how I am going to go back to work at the same hospital she passed away in. GP has signed me off for two weeks, Dad wants to me go back as soon as possible so it doesn't get harder to go back, but the thought of going back and working with cancer patients and walking by where she died is filling me with absolute dread at the moment.
I have great faith and I am taking comfort in the fact she is in a better place now than this crazy world. But I miss her so much and I want her back.
Hi Cat
Welcome to the community. I'm sorry to hear about the recent loss of your mum. You are right that she is in a much better place now and pain free.
All the emotions you are feeling are perfectly normal and as you know it is best not to bottle up your emotions. Returning to work will be very difficult - could you transfer to a different ward / hospital even just temporarily? Your colleagues will also find it hard to have you back and you will need to let them know that showing emotions and discussing your mum is perfectly okay. Remember all the great care she received while in hospital which would have made her as comfortable and pain free as possible - the same great care that all staff across the NHS give to each and every patient regardless of how major or minor their illness which everyone is very grateful for even though many don't show it.
Yes your dad, and all the family, will want their own time to grieve but you will also need to do this together. Create a memory book about your mum including stories from your childhood, stories from your mums childhood, stories from relatives and some of her friends (some which you may not know) and lots of photos. This is a great way to remember and also to help express your emotions. Your dad has 54 years of quality time with your mum to remember and can take great comfort from being there when she passed which is what she wanted.
Talk to your mum whenever you want - even just walking in the house and saying how cold it is outside. Visit one of your mums favourite places and talk to her there and await a response. You have to open yourself up to any response which may even take a few days to occur. Your mum will always be around you and will try to guide and support you as best she can. She may respond by re tuning your radio to her favourite music, you may see a white feather when there are no birds near or feel a breath of wind on a completely still day. Tell your mum how much you miss her and how much pain you feel and ask her to comfort you and she will find a way.
If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat. You can use this link your area to find support near where you live. This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential.
Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.
There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.
This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back. This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.
This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.
Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.
Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.
Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around
the corner .......
All is well.
Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.
David
