I lost my Dad 3 days ago and I feel so lost, lonely and scared. He'd been diagnosed with stage 4 prostate cancer in 2014 but was doing really well on a clinical trial until July 2019 when my Mum spotted a funny mole on his back. Before long it was a stage 2, then stage 3 melanoma and he had his lymph nodes removed in January to try and stop it spreading further.
He wasn't given any further treatment because of the clinical trial he was on but it was said if it spread they would give him immunotherapy. He had 6 hospital stays this year not including the op to remove his lymph nodes. Firstly in March it was due to cellulitis and the problem he had healing from his op. He was then in roughly every month from June - when they found the melanoma had spread to his liver until this month where it was found he had an acute kidney injury stage 3 (aki3) and despite giving him some treatment he was end of life.
Sorry to ramble but I'm confused and in pieces. By July he had started 3 weekly sessions of immunotherapy but continued to be hospitalised pretty much each month. Because of covid many of his check ups where done by phone. 2 weeks before his death he had immunotherapy even though they didn't have the correct bloods. Over the year he deteriorated bit by bit and it was found that his cancer had grown in his liver. I've since read that all his symptoms are typical of aki3 but it never seems to have been mentioned. I also read that aki can be brought on by the treatment. I'm really confused why it wasn't picked up on. I'm grateful he received treatment but just wondered how common this experience is?
Hi BananaB
Welcome to the community. I'm sorry to hear about the recent loss of your dad. Feeling lost, lonely and scared is a perfectly normal reaction and is part of the grieving process. Even when a passing is expected it is still one of the most difficult things we have to deal with. You can take great comfort from knowing that your dad received the best care possible during the whole of his illness. I think (but can't be certain) that all the tests they performed would have shown if he had aki3 or not. Be aware that sometimes we all read information and then put two and two to give five! Maybe, like many other illnesses, his symptoms were very similar to aki3 but they ruled this out. You could ask the clinical staff involved - his oncologist - to give you more detailed information but when you ask don't mention aki3 so that they are not aware of why you are asking. When you get the death certificate it may be detailed on there. You have to decide how important it is to find out to save constantly wondering about it.
Your dad will always be around you and will always try to guide and support you as best as he can. Talk to him often, especially when visiting his favourite places and quietly await a response. Sometimes the response may take a few days and happen somewhere else but you will know when it happens - open yourself to this communication and he will respond when he can. Remember that we all grieve in our own way and at our own pace so there is no right or wrong with this process. Whenever you need to let your emotions flow do so, go to the toilet if at work or shopping if you prefer no one to notice. Do you have a best friend that you can all anytime day or night who will listen and offer you support? Start a memory book about your dad including stories (happy and sad) from your childhood. stories he told you of his childhood, photos, stories from family members and stories from any of your dads friends / work colleagues. This is a great way of expressing your emotions and keeping all your memories in one place.
If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat. You can use this link your area to find support near where you live. This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential.
Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.
There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.
This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back. This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.
This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.
Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.
Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.
Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around
the corner .......
All is well.
Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.
David
