Loosing Mum and Dad within 3 years of each other

Hi Twinkle

Welcome to the community.  I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your mum and dad.

You and your siblings can take great comfort from being with your mum at her passing - she would know how much you all loved her and this would have given her great comfort.  Talk to your mum whenever you want especially if visiting one of her favourite places such as the local park.  Open yourself up and quietly await any response from your mum - she will always be around you to guide and and support you.  Sometimes the signs can be very subtle and happen a few days later and may appear to be a coincidence but this will be your mums influence guiding you.  Every time you see the image of your mum passing ask her to send you images of happy times when you were young and soon these will be the norm.  We all grieve in our own way and at our own speed and even though your mum wouldn't want you to cry she knows that you need to express your emotions and not keep them bottled up inside.  Ask your mum to give you a hug now and then and you will notice a warm feeling to show she is near.  You and your siblings could start a memory book about your mum and dad, how they met, stories from their childhoods, stories from other relatives, stories from any of their friends / work colleagues and include lots of photos.  Not only will this be a great of keeping all memories alive (include happy and sad memories) but a great way for you to express your emotions in writing.  Ask for your mum and dad to help you with this project - they may know where to find a lost photo or give you the name of someone they knew years ago.  Do you have a best friend that will let you talk, rant and rave, cry and be there with lots of silent hugs?  Sometimes this is easier than trying to talk to family even siblings.

If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat.  You can use this link your area to find support near where you live.  This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential. 

Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.

There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.

This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back.  This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.

This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.

Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -

Death is nothing at all.

I have only slipped away into the next room.

I am I and you are you.

Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.

Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.

Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.

Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.

Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.

Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?

I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around

the corner .......

All is well.

Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.

I’m really sorry to read this. I lost my mum on Wednesday, and as with your mum, it was really hard right up to the end. I can’t imagine life without her. To top it all off... hours before she passed we found out she contracted Covid in hospital... it seems that I may have Covid now also. There’s a real feeling Of the world being against you when something like this happens. 
I don’t know what I can say to you to make it any easier... because I know exactly what you have felt and are probably still feeling. It seems so long ago since I gave my mum a big cuddle because of Covid and that’s something I’ll be bitter about every day. 
I just want to hear her voice and don’t know what I’ll ever do without her. 
the only slight solace I can give you in all this... is that I understand. The people on here... understand. And you absolutely should cry... (I can hear my mum telling me I have to be strong) but I can’t imagine a time I won’t cry at the moment, and I’m just letting myself do that. 
im so sorry you lost your dad as well. That’s a double blow. I think the thing that has struck me is that feeling of being without a ‘grown up’ even though I’m almost 40! I just want my mummy. 
I’m here if you need a chat. Lots of love xxx

So sorry for your loss too. Sorry to hear covid has been a part of it too. I hope you are feeling better health wise if you had it too. Covid has had such a huge impact on everything even with the limit on funeral numbers and not being able to have the service we so wanted for mum. But got to thankful we could allow 30 people an set up a webcast so those who we couldn’t accommodate could watch.

cancer truly is awful and I can only hope a cure is found soon. I miss Mum so so much and still doesn’t feel real. I have to go back to work Monday an I so don’t feel ready  
If ever you’d like to chat I’m always here.x

If you truly have to go back to work then take it easy and one step at a time. Don’t feel like you have to put on a front. But maybe you aren’t ready to go back?. I hope you have an understanding boss. 
it’s hard returning to ‘normal’ life because life will never seem normal again for us will it... well maybe in time a different kind of normal. 
it struck me the other night that it’s nearly Christmas... and it’s my birthday next week. Those 2 things hadn’t even entered into my head... I could be in any month... and yet there are people preparing for Christmas which just seems so alien to me this year.

I hope work goes ok for you... but please... if you aren’t strong enough don’t force yourself into it. X 

I know what you mean it was my brothers birthday 16th November  2 weeks after Mum passed to the day. Then day after his birthday we had Mum’s funeral then the day after that would of been my Mum & Dad’s wedding anniversary of 48 years married and was also my sisters first wedding anniversary as she got married last year so Mum could walk her down the aisle. Was nice in a way that Mum was reunited with Dad for their wedding anniversary but again a bitter reminder of our loss.

my boss is understanding and I was thankful to spend 2 weeks with mum before she passed too so I have been off over a month but because I had no holiday entitlement left I used next years and now gotta work extra to repay it so I can actually have some holiday still next year. So I have to go back to do that. Didn’t get any bereavement paid leave at all which I was I’m upset about as I do a lot for my work and been there 18 months and I’m a senior. Even my partner got paid for the day of the funeral and hasn’t worked for the company even 6 months. 
there is so much pressure to return and I worry as I struggled so much when I lost my dad I ended up seeing a councillor and I’m even closer to my mum so I’m worried so much it will affect me  I feel the same about Christmas but then I know Mum loved Christmas and was always wanting us to be happy so I need to try for her memory to be happy and have some kind of Christmas. Will just be aery different one sadly

Have you had your Mum’s funeral yet? We were quick lucky with timings we thought we’d have to wait weeks but the only reason we had to wait 6 days longer than we could of had it was because we wanted the solid oak coffin as was the same as what my Dad had even though they were cremated my Dad was a carpenter and we wanted a good quality coffin out of respect. So we had to wait 6 days longer. So could of had it 11th November if normal coffin then they said Friday 13th we were like no way then 16th was my brothers birthday so said no so chose 17th. Was such a fitting but very emotional service.

Can you not get signed off work from the doctor? Will you not be paid then? It’s so hard having to ‘carry on’ when actually you aren’t ready to yet. There’s no way I’m going back to work this year.
I was so close to my mum... I feel like I’ve lost a part of me. 
No we can’t have the funeral until at least December because we’ve tested for Covid so families have to isolate. And then we’re limited to 30minutes and 22 people. It seems so cold. 

Did the councillor help when you lost your dad? Maybe you should see them again? You’ve had such a tough time. 

i won’t be celebrating Christmas this year... my brother wants us all to go there but it’s just too hard. I already found it difficult as I lost my lovely grandma on Christmas Day when I was younger... so it’s always been a bitter sweet time. I loved it as a kid... all the family... it’s so hard when you just feel your family dwindling in size. X

Sorry you’ve had covid too. Fingers crossed you are clear soon Nd you are feeling well in yourself.

I can’t get signed off as will just get SSP which sadly I cannot afford to live on. Even for a week it really financially impacts. Rubbish when you feel pressured at such a difficult time in our lives.

I wanted just one more week to help settle Mum’s cat in with my cats a dog and my bunnies. And time to arrange Mum’s things I bought home of hers.

we were limited to 30 at Mum’s service and that really didn’t seem enough because Mum was so so well loved and cherished by many. And with me and my 3 siblings, all 4 of our partners and then my 6 Nieces was 14 alone! If it’s something you guys were interested in enquire about a web cast. The celebrant who did mums service informed us about it that the crematorium had set up the service with covid and the numbers being restricted so that people could log on and be part of it. It really was a lovely thought and family were so grateful that they could be part of it. I’m not sure if they do it in every crematorium or for burials.x

Ah yes I thought it might be SSP which is rubbish. It’s awful that you still have to work when you need to sort stuff... I hope they give you time at work. 
it’s about time they paid people for bereavement leave. 
luckily we’ve only got a mild dose of Covid. But it just means we can’t sort anything. 
They mentioned the webcast to us but we’ve said no... my mum wouldn’t have liked it. It’s always been a running joke... she used to say “I don’t want a funeral! I don’t want you all there being sad! No music! Nothing!” And I used to joke we’d hide behind trees so we could be there. 
Part of me just wants it to be me and my siblings and partners... but part of me wants all the people who loved her to be there. Which would have been a lot of people. At the moment we seem to be inviting people through duty. Like mum’s cousins... because they are family... over friends who have been there for her this year. It’s really difficult. 
Is it tomorrow you’re going back to work? I’ll be thinking of you xxx

Webcasts are great if it’s something everyone agrees on. But it’s a very personal thing and we didn’t advertise it to everyone only those who Mum would of wanted there and people who couldn’t come.

I am sure whatever you decide for your Mum’s funeral you will do her proud. It’s such a emotional time arranging it all and I thought I would have processed things different after but I haven’t yet. 

I agree I think bereavement should be paid especially for the loss of a parent. I got 3 days leave at my old job paid for my Dads death. But they were so so out of order not letting me go be with my Dad when he was in hospital so I missed his death. I resented them and got signed off sick for 3 months with depression which then lead me to have high intensity bereavement counselling. Been in my current job 18 months now and much happier until now with them not paying anything I feel a bit disheartened for all I do for them. Makes you feel disrespected slightly. But it’s a job and pays the bills. So yep I’m back tomorrow doing a 48 hour week to pay back holiday pay I have taken from next years entitlement.

I hope you have an understanding work place who will support you.x

Good luck... let me know how it goes. 
I work in a school... my mum worked there before she retired too so there’s a link... however my boss is... awkward let’s say. I think if she tried to make it hard for me I’d sack it off and go and work at Aldi! Ha! 
That’s awful about your last place of work. Doesn’t it make you realise what we’re missing in this country... bereavement pay... and I feel every family should get a person who can corollate all the appointments and deal with people, someone to talk to and say “right this person needs...” when someone is dealing with cancer... we were just left floundering. 

I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow be kind to yourself xxx