20 years of age and recently lost mother to cancer

I’m so sorry for your loss.
I lost my Mum a few weeks back after a very short battle with cancer, from diagnosis to dying it was very quick so quite shocking and even now I still have to pinch myself to believe it’s happened. While she was unwell the usual calls and communications we had were limited and covid changed the frequency of visits etc but perhaps it’s actually masked the loss at times; and as life had changed in the lead up to her death. Sometimes I feel it’s made it easier to cope and other times I feel angry we didn’t get more time because of restrictions.
I’m not your age, a little older, but was extremely close to my mum, ringing/ texting her every day, sometimes several times a day just for a gossip, all that changed once she became unwell. 
Im not sure I can offer you any advice, it’s all still very raw for me, the diagnosis, the illness, the death, I still relive each and every part and try to make sense of it. 
Be kind to yourself, baby steps. The loss of a mother and a someone you were so close to is immeasurable. I miss mum every day. As the days go by the longing for another 5 minutes with her can be overpowering but I’m told the pain remains but you learn to cope. I often think of the past and wish I’d embraced time together more, and feel pained at a future without her, I fear forgetting her voice, forgetting the good times and feel pained that she wouldn’t want things to be like this.  But I know mum wouldn’t want my life to be ruined by her death. 
My mum was also young when she passed. I think losing a parent when you are young, but losing a young parent makes it harder to accept as you feel robbed and they’ve also been robbed of so much. 
Stay strong. I’m not sure what advice I can offer but you aren’t alone x 

Thank you for your reply. I'm ever so sorry for your loss also. I can definitely agree that the speed from diagnosis to death makes it so hard to comprehend, in my case I thought we had so much more time, even the doctors were shocked how quickly things progressed. Covid definitely hasn't made anything any easier, due to the nature of my mothers cancer she struggled to speak in the end so the phone calls/ good chats when I was home from university stopped before she passed and I'm angry that I was robbed of that before she had even physically left us. I completely understand fearing forgetting those things, luckily for me I have many pictures and videos with my mother so if that is something you have access to I would definitely recommend going through them, it's the only thing that's made me smile through the tears in the last few days. I genuinely hope the people that say time helps are right because as you can relate the pain is indescribable and the thought of going on how I feel for the rest of my life is a horrible thought. 

It's true that we are never alone, let's keep pushing on in hope for better days x 

I’m so sorry to hear this, and I am 100% right there with you, my mum died on Thursday after a two year battle with pancreatic cancer, she wasn’t much older than your mum only 62. I also have the images of her final days stuck in my mind I woke up at 5am this morning hearing her saying to me to get up. 

she died whilst on holiday with my dad, we all managed to get there and spent the 7 days by her bedside. She took her final breath just as I stepped out of the room - I think maybe she knew I could never let her go. 

today we have to journey back home, and I’m absolutely terrified, whilst in this cottage away from everything I can trick myself at times into thinking she’s still here. 

PTSD can go hand in hand with grief particularly if you were there in those final moments. I have reached out to a psychologist who deals with PTSD and grief, and I am hoping that will work for me, and might be something that could help you. 

if I’m honest I don’t know how to get through this, I just keep being told that I will, so perhaps together we can. All we can do is take each day as it comes. I, like yourself, would message my mum for everything - from silly stuff, to check ins, to advice or things you ask your mum for - not having that is scary. I’ve been recommended a book called it’s ok that you’re not ok, and looked up yoga for grief - yoga with Adrienne has an online yoga for grief video. I think finding ways to get back into my body will help me, try and soften the panic in my mind. 

I know I’ve rambled a bit, but I just want to say I hear you, I see you, and I absolutely feel you. 

Thank you for your reply, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. 

As much as seeing them in their final days/hours is horrific we know that they will have appreciated being surrounded by loving family- my mother also waited until myself and my sister had left to pass away with my step dad holding her hand. We were there from 7 in the morning till 6:30 in the evening, left to freshen up and within the hour she left us at 7:25, I do believe she knew that myself and my sister couldn't cope.. a mothers love and need to protect her children prevails always.

I'll be honest when you get home it will probably hit you all over again but be kind to yourself, I've been cuddling my mothers dressing gown, even sprayed a giant teddy with her perfume- sounds ridiculous seen as I'm 20 but I need the comfort so do whatever comforts you even if you feel ridiculous. 

I have contacted my university counselling services myself so I am hoping I will hear from them soon, this definitely isn't something anyone should try handling themselves and I'm so glad both myself and you have had the courage to reach out. 

I completely feel you. I don't think there's a way to get through it but just learning to deal with it. I don't believe time is a healer, I believe time just helps but we've just got to know that it won't feel exactly like this forever. 

Thank you for sharing the suggestions, they sound really good, I hope they do you good! 

Nothing that can be said will make this any better but we certainly aren't alone and I hope like me, that provides you with some comfort.