I am here, sadly, as my dad passed away after being told in Feb he had cancer, but was going well with Chemo, until the doctor changed the type of chemo, then my dad started losing weight, feeling more ill and just became more and more a sickly old man - which he certainly wasn't before - he worked 6 days a week as a HGV Driver, then had a pain that needed a Stent put in to his intestines somewhere. After this he was his normal self until approx July this year, the Chemo got changed to something else, after which he just was ill, not eating, needing fluid draining and had liver issues (the cancer had already spread there on initial diagnosis from his bowel) but until this time he was his usual self, albeit having to stay at home to Covid-19. But otherwise no issues.
The boredom kicked in and he was spending more and more time in bed, not getting around and doing this he normally would, his Chemo treatment was also delayed twice after the changed chemo in July, so last week we were informed whilst he was in Hospital it had spread to bones, and he had a few days left, but the last few months he spent mostly in hospital, from what i could see just lying on a bed always drugged up and not doing anything - the hospital didn't seem to be doing anything either (although this was my and my family's viewpoint on the matter)
We were told on Monday morning to go up as he deteriorated, sadly he just gone before we even got there.
Such a big hole considering he just became a Grandad the year before and he was 62 and still in full time work which he loved, so just felt all the more sudden, albeit during the Covid-19 stuff isn't exactly the same but feels the same.
I really just come on as i never felt death first hand before and didn't know how to come with it, still don't know what to do anymore..
I just feel numb, and still cant believe he has really gone, that i would wake up and everything was back the way it was..
My dad, when finding out initially he had this, seemed to be more worried in paying the rent, than his health, that was just like him!
Hi JR 83
Welcome to the community. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your dad. I think it would be impossible to say whether the change in chemo caused more problems or whether the cancer was just spreading more rapidly.
It is easy to feel that not enough was being done to help your dad - this is a natural part of grieving. You can take comfort that they would be doing the best they could. Your dad did not want you to see him suffer at the very end and that is why he passed before you arrived. He would know this would be painful for you but it would be more painful to be there and watch him pass. Remember he will always be around you and will try to guide and support you as best that he can. Feeling numb is also part of the grieving process - we all grieve in different ways and at our own pace. Your own mind will know how to guide you through the grieving process. The main thing is not to hold onto your emotions - even in a busy supermarket you can shed silent tears or go to the toilet for a cry. Most people are more receptive than you realise and you could see a stranger and just say "My dad loved (food item) with XXXX" Often people will respond with how they enjoy the same product, you don't need to mention he has recently passed but that moment of talking will help ease you.
Visit your dads favourite place on your own, talk to him, tell him how you are feeling and quietly await any response such as a breath of wind on a still day. Creating a memory book is also a great way of keeping memories alive and getting your emotions out. You can include stories from your childhood, stories your dad told you about his childhood, stories from family and his work colleagues and includes lots of photos. This will also be a great thing for his grandchild.
If you need to talk to someone, please contact the support line free on 0808 808 0000 which is open daily 8 am – 8 pm daily for a free confidential chat. You can use this link your area to find support near where you live. This could be 1-2-1 or group and is also free and confidential.
Also, post as much as you want whenever you want here and someone will always respond to you.
There is some useful information on coping with grief and information on the symptoms of grief.
This link allows you to download the Macmillan book Coping with Bereavement which is full of useful information and has support contact details at the back. This booklet about bereavement is free and can be downloaded as PDF or as an ebook.
This link takes you to a leaflet called In Memory which is very useful.
Lastly, here are some words which I hope will bring you some comfort -
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used.
Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the shadow of a ghost in it.
Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around
the corner .......
All is well.
Hope this helps and sending you a big hug.
David
