My dad passed away on 26th sept after a six year battle with oesophageal cancer which eventually spread to lymph nodes, lungs and liver. He had a hell of a battle, had his entire stomach removed, this op went wrong and then he had to have corrective surgery a year later, he was fed by a tube for months and months, he had so much chemo/radiotherapy I can’t even remember.
Dad died 4 days before I was due to give birth to my second child.
On the night he died I decided not to go back to his house to visit (I had been in the morning), deciding to go back the next morning as I was feeling extremely distressed and couldn’t stop crying, also had a cold and feeling exhausted in general being so heavily pregnant. He died at 11.45 pm, by the time I got back to his house at 1am he was already cold.
I can’t stop obsessing about why I didn’t go back, and why I denied myself the last chance to see him alive. I feel I let him down and cannot forgive myself. Throughout his illness he spent many months in hospital, I visited him every single day without fail - walking miles to the hospital after work every day for six months straight. Knowing I had visited every day I can not comprehend what stopped me from going to his house that last night. I feel so guilty, like he might have felt I didn’t care. Deep down I know that isn’t true but I can’t get past it.
I am also obsessing and having dreadful thoughts over cremating him, I keep imagining his body being burnt and it’s so awful I’m making myself feel sick. He wanted to be cremated, but I can’t stop thinking about it. I went to see him twice in the funeral directors, he looked absolutely terrible as he had already been dead more than three weeks by the time I visited (because of giving birth) and I keep picturing him laying there. I am glad I went, I talked to him and kissed his head etc, but I still can’t comprehend that he is actually dead. Even when I was standing there looking at his body I still couldn’t believe it, I could have sworn I could see his chest moving like he was breathing and I had to ask my husband if he could see it too. I feel like I’m going mad sometimes.
I just don’t know how I am ever going to be ok again, I feel so sad and if I was able to (without the kids needing me constantly) I feel I would be in bed crying all day. I just can’t believe this has happened and I will never be able to see, speak to or touch him again. I knew he was ill all these years but I never really expected him to actually die. Although he went through so much he was always positive and never let things get him down, he got on with his life and still went out / to work etc. He wasn’t sitting at home sick, so when people say at least he is out of pain now that feels weird because he was still enjoying his life, he wasn’t ready to die.
I have two kids and a great husband, so I’m not in the position, but I can totally see why some people feel they can’t go on after losing someone they love, it’s like a living hell.
Hello , I send my condolences for your loss of your Dad and congratulations for the birth of your child.
When we lose someone we love it kinda feels like we are drowning and an expression some here have used is rubber boats and arms bands are available to ride the wave. Because our emotional loss is like a giant wave about to drown us. From what you saying here you loved and dedicated your love to your Dad maybe in a way your mind was trying to protect you from watching him die so you only remember the good, the things you loved about your Dad. I lost a very good friend to cancer who was like a brother and I have at times tormented myself about not seeing him just before he died, then I think would he want me to see him this way, to him being weak and vulnerable. I like to think he feels better that I can remember the good and the respect I gave him.
Funerals are hard and him being cremated may be difficult and also so final that he has gone, but its also a time for remembering them and keeping the good alive. Loads of people here totally understand and what ever you decide there will be loads of support here.
Sending a gentle hug
_GBear Xxxx
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