Noone to care for...

Hi Kelly

I am so sorry for the loss of your mum. This is my first time posting on this forum although I have been reading posts and gaining comfort from them for quite a while now. I wanted to respond to you because I am 44 and in the same situation, although I’m almost 6 months further on than yourself. I too haven’t found many others in the same situation.

My mum (who was like a best friend to me) passed away just a month after a diagnosis of secondary breast cancer where it had spread to her lungs, liver and brain. I cared for her at her home in her final weeks. My mum had been single for many years as have I - both happy in our choices. I have a younger brother and my father who has been a great support to me, despite having had prostrate and bowel cancer himself. I too am childless - which is my choice and I relish the independence it affords me. But lately, since mum passed, I too have thought about the “ever decreasing family” thing - especially if I myself get ill later on in life; who will I be able to turn to? For me, nighttime is the worst as I’m alone with my thoughts, but I’ve found this forum a real comfort to read. 

What I can say is, although you don’t feel you have the strength now, you will gain strength as the time passes and I know it sounds like a cliche, it really does, but it’s also true. You are in the extremely raw early days now, but the way you feel will change from week to week and then month to month, and gradually, you may feel like you’re doing ok for a few days in a row and it may surprise you (it certainly did me). I found (and am still finding) it is a few steps forward, then one back, but I am moving gradually  forward all the time and am proud of my progress.  I think when you look back on where you have got to after a time, you’ll realise your strength then if that makes sense.  

I hope happy memories of your mum will also give you strength when you need it. 

Hannah 

xxx

Hi Kelly  

You're so brave to come on here and to reach out for help especially during this difficult time for you . Your post totally reminded me of me. When I lost my dad I was 44 I had been sterilised, partner and myself just got back together, had no job diagnosed with mental health issues and I felt so so empty when I lost my dad  I went down hill quite rapidly. I ended up alcohol dependent ended up in rehab etc at one point I was sleeping in a tent . Please don't think alcohol is the answer its not and I will stress this xx but slowly putting everything back together, what did I do wrong . I isolated myself and started to think no one understands, other people s behaviour was aweful and starting to like myself again slowly . But getting there. Ask for help . It's OK not to be strong its OK to cry, you're going through a very difficult. Time as of your mum if anything like my dad they have accepted and its difficult especially watching a parent who always been strong its really really difficult and cancer is a horrible illness. Totally thoughts with you and your mum and your family xx keep reaching out don't do what I did and that's keep everything to myself. xx 

Hi ,

Lovely name, I am sorry to hear of your very resent lose of your Mum, its so raw for you being so recent. I can already see you have had some wonderful support already but I just wanted to add that although I haven't lost family members to cancer I lost a dear friend who was like a brother and it really hurt his lose. We had both been diagnosed with cancer around the same time his was terminal diagnosis mine was low stage womb cancer and I had a hysterectomy and have no children. I think we have no idea of the strength and struggles our Mums have when they stay strong for us when they are grieving too and who will always been there for us and we want to be as strong but its not easy and that's OK, there is no rule book to grief and how it effects us but we all find a way, for her it was to be there for you, for you you have already shown so much strength simply reaching out, that's incredibly hard to do and many of us struggle to admit our pain. You will get lots of support because we all know the pain of lose and many of us have gained some comfort from just expressing how we feel, you know that's the hardest thing to do. 

Just wanted to send a gentle hug

Hi Kelly,

I am so very sorry you lost your mum. I remember exchanging a message with you on one of the secondary cancer forums as our mums were on a similar path. I lost my lovely mum on 28 June to a secondary tumour in the brain. I am sorry we have to meet again on this forum. You are doing the right thing reaching out to others. Don't bottle it up. I also have no children, I am 52. My husband has secondary cancer and his recent round of radiotherapy had no effect, does it never end? 

Do you have any brothers or sisters? I am lucky to have a sister. Try not to spend time worrying about the future, take care of yourself well, take all the time you need to grieve and nd when you feel ready live life in the present. It is all we can do. Sending love and big hugs. 

Hi Hannah, 

Thanks so much for replying. I am so sorry you have lost your Mum too. Like you and yours, my Mum and I were very close. I was somewhere with other family today and I just thought 'I can't be bothered to be here anymore... how can I get out?' and it made me sad because I know that if my Mum were here she would have felt the same and we would have escaped together! :) 

I'm sorry to hear about your Dad too... is he having treatment currently? What a nightmare for you to still have cancer lurking around :( It is a completely vile disease. 

I am finding strength in being on this forum and hearing others stories... sadly we are not alone in our grief. 

At the moment I cant think of the future... I have always sort of wanted children but men have been a let down  I do also sort of know that I will be okay if I don't have them too. I just miss the comraderie that my Mum and I had... there is nothing like it! 

xx

Hi Quirkybird, 

Thanks so much for your reply. You're right... keeping things to myself will do me no good at all. My Mum actually was the most guilty of doing that... I have always been much more open than her! 

I will continue to post on here when I feel I need to for sure. 

I hope you are okay x

Hi G-bear,

Thank you for the hug! I am feeling quite strong at points at the moment... which actually makes me terrified for a weaker moment in the future... I wish I would have started weak and got stronger - that seems the more logical way around! 

This afternoon I have just driven to Bushy park as it is just around the corner from my Mums. I am just sitting in the car listening to the radio and reading a magazine as I felt like I needed to get away from everyone and their need to help me!

I really am like my Mum in that sense... just give me my own space and I will come back better! 

I hope you are okay. I am sorry to read about your friend x

Hi Almondnut, 

Yes I do remember writing to you in the other group. Life (or death I guess) moves on whether we like it or not and here we both are :( 

I am so sorry to hear about your Mum too. Summer seems like such a terrible time for loss as everyone else seems so happy! Your husbands illness must be such a hard blow for you. I know one positive thing that has come from Mum's passing is that she doesnt have cancer anymore. 

I do have a brother and a half sister. They are helping as much as possible and had their own relationships with Mum that they are grieving. To be honest I could be surrounded by a million friends and family and at this time can still feel completely alone. 

I hope soon to take your advice and simply live in the present. That sounds so delightful!!! 

Take care xx

Hi Kelly,

Thanks for your reply. I am glad you have siblings, at least they understand how you feel when the rest of the world moves on. I want to stop the clocks. You are right grief is a very lonely experience. I wish the pain would go away but it is the price we pay for the priviledge of having experienced love. It's what makes us human I guess.

Love and hugs Ex