My mums passing

Hi, 

So sorry to hear about the loss of your mum. I can totally understand where you are coming from. I lost my mum two weeks ago to non-Hodgkin's lymphoma and I'm also justifying it that way - that she's free from pain and suffering and has hopefully moved to somewhere better. As the oldest child too, I guess I've tried to protect my siblings a little from having to deal with some of the administrative sides of her death - going with my dad to pick up death certificates, revisiting the ICU where she died, helping with funeral decisions, etc. 

I've been reading a lot about grief and how it can hit at any time and that it affects everybody differently. Did you feel a sense of relief after the funeral took place? Have you got anybody close you can speak to that has been through this? I've found that while people are lovely with offers of support and messages of condolences that they can never truly understand the loss of a parent unless they have been through it at all. In fact, where you are posting right now is one of the best places you can get support. I received loads of support on one of the other Macmillan forums when my mum was first diagnosed and when she was getting progressively worse. 

Do you think you ever really get over their passing? I've been wondering that. How will we know when that is? Should we feel guilty if we feel we're not grieving enough compared to other people? So many questions. I know this hasn't been much help, but I wanted you to know that you're not alone. I'm fully expecting to be where you are now in a month or so. Hope you work it all out. 

Hi -  I lost my beloved mum last September. I can’t believe it’s nearly a year. Everyone’s cancer journey is different, but, at the end of the day we all share the same outcome - awful cancer took our loved ones away. Everyone grieves differently and there is never a time limit with grief. I know I will never get over the loss of mum, there will always be that sadness within me. I move forward with life because i know I have too, also I know mum would be willing me on, I know that it is mum’s strength that gets me through every day, even when it is such a struggle. I joined here shortly after mum passed and it has helped me a lot, writing my feelings/emotions and talking to lovely people who truly understand. You realise your not alone on here. Lastly, as a lot of people say, be kind to yourself. Our loved ones are always with us and beside us xx

Hello and thank you for your kind words. Yes I felt a relief when she passed, to me she wasn't the mum I knew and remembered the week she left us. She went from being mobile and struggling on with the cancer, to being bed bound and deteriorated so fast that it was a shock, she became a person I just thought I'd never see. We went from having to be there to help her so much in day to day things to not helping her at all. I used to mutter under my breath on how demanding she was, but I'd give anything to be back in that time just now. Where she would be asking for things, silly things to be done. It was her way of spending time with you, getting you over but not showing she really needed help. She was a very stubborn old school sort of person, she was always right in her eyes, said things how she saw it and if you didn't agree then she didn't care. When she found out her cancer had spread to her brain after having intense treatment on her body cancer, which had slowed it done in the body, she just said it is what it is. This was her trying to make everyone deal with it easier. But I saw in her eyes the pain she was in and knowing you can't help the person who helped you so much, it's one of the hardest things I've gone through in my life so far. I'm just starting to realise now it's hard to let go of her in the way I should and not to justify it by thinking it was always going to be that way, because she deserves better then that. I'm not one for talking, my wife always says that. But hopefully being on this forum will help as no offence to my wife, she can't be feeling what I'm feeling as she hasn't lost her mum. 

People say have a good cry and it will help, yet I've not shed many tears as I always think crying won't help. Is that me being stubborn like my mum or is it me just not wanting to do it incase I just can't stop. I've always thought getting down what's on your mind that will hopefully help me in the long run. That's why I joined here, we all have suffered with cancer even if we didn't have it ourselves. But I've been on the forum for 24hrs and I've said more on here then I have in the 3 months since she passed. I feel like people who know you always try to just find words to try to make it better for you. Where as on here people seem to dig deeper and pull out what you really want to say and how you really feel. On here you don't feel like you just have to say I will be fine, life goes on. Life will never be the same again for me and its hard to take in just now. 

It's the club that nobody wants to be in, but which everybody will be in at some point in their lives. I've had so many messages of kindness and support, but have also had lots of messages every day asking "how are you feeling?" and I'm exhausted replying because what do you really say? It's not a hurt knee, a bad back or a toothache where you know the pain will ease. I reply and I say "I'm okay", "I'm coping" or "Yeah not too bad", but I guess that's because I can't explain how I feel in words that make much sense. Do they really want to know that I'm getting flashbacks of my mum lying in bed, helpless and taking her last breaths while the world just carries on as normal? Could they offer any words of support for that? 

I don't think you need to have a good cry if it doesn't come naturally. Neither should you feel guilty for not crying as much as others might. Do you think you came to terms with her death a little before she actually passed away? Were you mentally preparing for it? It's great that you can be yourself on here and let it out. Keep doing that. I think it really helps.