Hi all,
my grandmother was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer just over a year ago.
Quite soon after her diagnosis, the ‘true colours’ of family came to light and I found much of their behaviour, distasteful, wildly inappropriate and quite frankly as if they were moving this along so my grandmother would no longer be a burden. I therefore had no alternative but to remove myself from the situation as I could not watch my ‘family’ being so easily dismissive of my grandmother and her life and made it impossible for me to return by speaking my mind to those involved.
I immediately began to regret my actions especially as this meant seeing my grandmother would be impossible. I therefore decided that I would end my life once she died, rehoming my dogs, sorting finances etc. I managed to see my grandmother very occasionally when a certain family member was taking care of her and on one occasions she was very distressed and upset. As she had not really been cognisant for several weeks at this point, I didn’t expect for her to understand what I was saying but I told her not to be scared as I would be with her. However she did understand and begged me not to end my life so I promised her I would not.
She passed in October and ever since the day I walked away, I have been wracked with guilt, not only for leaving her, but the things I said to family, my actions etc. I have been self medicating for around a year now with pain killers I purchase from the internet. Whilst I actively don’t believe I am trying to end my life, I am unconcerned if I do or not as I would no longer be in such pain. I have tried to seek medical help but I’m told to stop taking the tablets but with no offer of an alternative or any way of dealing with my grief.
I dont really know why I've posted today. I guess I am hoping for a miracle or someone to say something to stop this pain I am in, which I know is impossible.
