I lost my beloved dad two and a half weeks ago.
I have a chronic illness so I live at home and can earn very little. He was the breadwinner and there are huge debts, so me and mum will have to move as soon as the house gets out of probate and we can sell it. We won't be homeless but it will mean a huge step down in our standard of living and moving away from the village and community where we have lived for over 30 years. I will have to try to rebuild a new career so I can earn more to support her despite my illness. I am not just mourning my dad but our whole life. I feel so overwhelmed so much of the time. Sometimes I am calm and can feel optimistic, maybe even excited about the challenges of the future. Other times I am numb with wordless sorrow that I cannot express, only feel. People have been so supportive, so kind, and spending time with them can help me feel normal or at least calm for a while. Then the tears will break through again.
All the support sites on the internet say don't make big life decisions like moving in the first year. But we won't have that luxury - we have to move as soon as we possibly can. But we can't move until we can get probate and sell which will take months. So we have months of worry hanging over us on top of our grief. At times I feel the financial worries are actually interfering with my ability to grieve for HIM. But at other times I know I am grieving for both.
He was so brave and fought so well right up to the end. He prepared us all as well as he possibly could, and nothing that is happening is his fault. I don't blame him, I just miss him so much.
At times I have felt suicidal. I rang the Samaritans once, but it didn't really help - they listened but they can't make the pain go away. Nobody can. I won't kill myself because I wouldn't do that to my mum or the other people who love us. But for moments, when it is all just overwhelming, I think it would be better to be dead.
I am doing all the things they say you should do. I am expressing my grief as and when. I am taking care of my diet and my sleep. I am trying to follow my body's lead. I am meditating and doing creative activities. I am seeking the company of others as often as possible. I am sticking to those routines I can stick to. I am trying to take one day, hour and minute at a time and not think too much about the future.
I am better now than I was last week and better than the week before that. I have some possible sight of the direction I must follow to start a new career and rebuild a new life. Sometimes I can be happy, even optimistic, even excited by the challenges.
I am crying as I write this, because it is just all so huge and overwhelming. I have never felt so sad, so scared, so incapable. I know I will get through it, but the immensity of the challenge and the time it will take terrifies me.
P
