Guilt about not wanting to return to work yet

My dad passed away on the 8th May. Since we found out on the 8th February that the cancer was now untreatable, I’ve been in the sick. I was advised by my boss to get a sick note off the doctor stating stress due to family illness. Since he’s died my boss has told me to have ‘stress due to family circumstances’. I work as a teacher and we’re only allowed 2 weeks off for bereavement. I’m not even at the acceptance stage of grieving. I’m still expecting him to come round to my house for a cuppa. There’s no way I’m ready for work. 

Xx

Hey LostSparkles13, 

Sorry for your lost. It's very early days. Like all aspects of grief. I believe it's so individual. There's no right or wrong way. I personally went to a back to work interview, 4 weeks, after my mum died, last year, with the intention of returning that week. 

But I was really,n ready and was advised to go back and see my doctor. I did and had a further 4 weeks off. It gave me time and space. I needed it. When I was ready (and I was) I had a phased return. I was and still am very supported. When I felt ready, I believe it's my job, my colleagues and my family that has given me a focus. My Sister went back after a week. That's what she needed, she needed routine, for her and her family. So one family and two different ways. No right or wrong here. Just do what we needed as individuals   X

Look after your self, whatever you decide. And one step at a time. 

Thank you.  I know mums gone but keep catching myself thinking ‘I must share that with mum’. I know what you mean by expecting your dad to pop in for cuppa. Mum was a huge part of my life and everywhere all around me she has created memories which I replay as I remember subconsciously.  Don’t actually understand that I can’t physically see her again. Thank you for responding.  Maybe I am ok to be feeling not ready xx 

Thank you.  I know mums gone but keep catching myself thinking ‘I must share that with mum’. I know what you mean by expecting your dad to pop in for cuppa. Mum was a huge part of my life and everywhere all around me she has created memories which I replay as I remember subconsciously.  Don’t actually understand that I can’t physically see her again. Thank you for responding.  Maybe I am ok to be feeling not ready xx 

Thank you for replying. Not sure what the am going to do yet. It’s reassuring to know I’m not being silly and to feel like this is ok. I’m so glad I stumbled across this McMillan support quite by accident earlier.  I have been occupied by funeral arrangements until a few days ago and now not sure what to do or how I am really. Thank you. Xx 

Hello ,

Sorry for your lose and I send my condolences, and I just wanted to welcome you to the site and forum of which we are glad to find even if we all wished we had met diffently and say your not alone, everyone here understands lose for me it was a very close friend who was like family and it just felt like being ripped apart with grief and feeling totally overwhelmed by it all, but on a positive front people here understand and there is lots of virtual hugs to go around and as a few here in the group have said "lift rings, dinghy and rubber rings available to help you though the waves" because grief can be like that waves of emotions. I just wondered how you got on today? Did you go back to work or did you just tell them your not ready yet. Grief can take time and I think sometimes people put a time scale to how long it should take but grief is not simple, it certainly can't be put in a neat box of two to three weeks. We all grieve different and although I understand that employers can't give an open figure to take that time off some at least are understanding and allow a more flexible return to work. 

Sending you a big hug and best wishes

Have you had any councilling? Grief councilling can be very helpful if your struggling at the moment. I always like to think that we are ready when we are ready, sounds strange hey? But its true only you know when you ready to process everything but many here understand and here for you. If you would like you can always ask Wendy our beavement expert here's the link if you would like (Missing Forum). 

Hi GBear. Thank you for your message. I didn’t go back to work ... Sunday night I was up half the night and when I slept I had awful dreams about trying to ring in sick but everything kept going w  !!  Monday morning I rang my work at 7am - they were good - concerned - but understanding.  I have a doctors note to collect today.  I know I must try to slip back into work soon but the thought ofaving to deal with sympathy and looks is overwhelming.  I work in a primary school so I will have to cope with both adult and child interactions/ sympathy and questions. I have moments of deep sadne which jump on me without warning. Yesterday I was hanging out the washing and I cried unexpectedly  - i was gripped by such a heavy feeling. I know mum would tell me to get a grip   She was very matter of fact.  I really appreciate your message and I will look at the bereavement support link. Part of me is feeling like a coward for not going to work yesterday but the other part of me is trying to do the right thing for me ... the best for me. I was with mum throughout her battle and now the battle is over I am lost. .. 

Sorry about emojis - no idea how they got there or how to remove them !! Xx

Firstly , your not a coward. The hardest part is to admit your struggling and overwhelmed its OK to feel this way its still very early days. I am glad you have a good employer who is very understanding. We all handle grief different, I was once told how brave I am I was dealing with my own cancer diagnosis when my friend was told he was late stage and his prognosis wasn't good he said to me "bravery is when only you know your afraid" I didn't really understand at first but I realised what he was trying to say. Your going to have waves of great sadness and even though your Mum may of been a get a grip sort she knows that your sadness is from love. Love is the greatest bond ever, our loved ones are with us in a way, by memories and love but dealing with their no longer with us can take time, you will get there but don't beat yourself up that your struggling at the moment