Hi All
Not really sure where to start. I have never accessed anything like this before but my partner thought it would be a good idea.
I lost my beloved Grandma in February after her 4 year battle with all different kinds of cancers. I am really struggling with the loss. One thing that I find particularly hard is I had left my job shortly before she passed away and started university so no one who I now see on a daily basis knows about my relationship with my Grandma or what we have been through in the last 4 years. When you tell people that your grandma has died they are sympathetic but its kind of expected.
My Grandma, was much more like a mother to me. She was only 75 and a very young 75 at that. She was full of life. Always the life and soul of any party I saw her 2 sometimes 3 times a week. Me my mum and grandma all have an incredibly close relationship. She had a beautiful smile and a dirty laugh and since her first diagnosis she never let it get her down. She battled it with dignity and bravery and I was so proud of her every day. We all rallied for her taking her to treatment cheering her up on her many hospital admissions and having sleep overs when she was at home during her chemo. She was the first person I told when I applied to do my nursing and the first one I told when I got engaged. She was such a huge part of my life and now I just feel empty. The person I turn to the most is gone and the person who I want to talk to the most, my mum, is mourning the loss of her mum.
I have kept a lot of her things I even brought her chair home as I couldn't bear to never see it again. Some days this is comforting but other days I feel like it makes things worse. I have a weekly planner whiteboard in my dining room that I had wrote her name on the week before she died as I was going to see her on the Friday and I cant wipe it off. I spoke at her funeral and I read the speech every day. I don't know if anything I'm doing is normal and some days I feel like I am just being morbid but I don't know how to move on.
We were all with her when she died. I have worked in care in nursing homes and hospices for 16 years and it is the first time I have ever seen someone die and it breaks my heart every day that it had to be her. I was the last person to see her conscious on that night as everyone else had briefly left. I cant talk to anyone about what I saw that night I spoke only once to my partner but I have kept it all inside since then and it feels like its eating me up inside. I cant let anyone see the hurt I am going through. I have to be strong for my kids and for my mum but some days its harder than others.
I don't know if this will help. I hope it will.....
