you don’t really understand why they say ‘fighting’ cancer until you go through it. That understanding isn’t fully complete until you have lost the ‘fight’. You feel defeated and like a loser. Except the loss is of the highest level imaginable. This is how i feel with my dad. He lost his fight 3 months ago. I can get on with my life quite well for the most part. Except when thoughts of him no longer having a life hit like a ton of bricks. And it’s hard not to break down at my desk at work. I went with him to all of his appointments and his treatments and his surgeries and had to explain to him how his treatments were ineffective and his cancer was spreading. I saw his face and the tears trickle down his face on his death bed. And held his hand when he gave his last breath. I wish I wasn’t there and didn’t see all of that. For selfish purposes obviously. I know he needed people around him. And he did have plenty of people around him. He wished to live. But his wish wasn’t granted and this hurts. It doesn’t help to write this. But there’s really no one i feel i can have these conversations over and over again. Because people don’t respond well to constant sadness. And I am constantly sad.
