Mum has gone

FormerMember over 6 years ago

3 replies
7 subscribers
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Finding myself here again to offload, I reached out 2 weeks ago after mum had a terminal prognosis of 2 weeks, and now she has passed on Friday.

Yesterday although I felt despair, I felt a sense of relief that the suffering was over. The last two weeks in hospital watching her die we’re the most traumatic of my life- I still can’t forget anything about it- the image and all the medical information as her body gave up. Yesterday maybe I was in shock or auto pilot as got through the day, I even wrote a poem for my mum which brought me a lot of comfort.

Today i I feel empty. I don’t feel like sobbing today, I feel anxiety and fear, and numb. I don’t know what to do with myself or how to spend my time- nothing is interesting and everything seems very insignificant. The days that lye ahead are all the admin following her death, and the funeral and sorting her things - which I can’t even begin to think about right now.

I will miss my mum so much, and I know I have so much pain still to come- when I ‘actually’ will want to speak with her/ see her/ call her- when I need her. I wish she wasn’t taken how she was, and she just passed in her sleep- not through cancer and so quickly.

The world is continuing to turn and everyone and everything is just carrying on- mum, I LOVE YOU xxxxxxx

FormerMember over 6 years ago

I'm so sorry. It is traumatic watching your Mum die and changes your perception of 'normal' - I can feel your sense of confusion and despair which is totally understandable. You just want your Mum back and for it all to have been a terrible dream. Raging against the world and everything else you feel is totally normal.

A feeling of numbness is very relatable in the early weeks of grief - you have been living on your nerves towards the end of your Mum's life and it will take time to get off of survival autopilot. It might sound strange, but well done for being there for your Mum. It will have meant a lot to know how loved she was.

Do what you have to do to get through these tough days. Get help with organising/sorting whatever admin is required and take care of yourself as best you can in whichever ways you are able. Lean on whoever you need to, including us. Grief is a gnarly, individual and complex 'journey' but I promise you will get through this and find a way to live again. For your Mum x

FormerMember over 6 years ago in reply to FormerMember

Your reply has provided huge comfort. Thank you so much.

I hadn’t thought that I had been living on my nerves- I really have- 2 weeks feeling absolutely terrified that my mum would die every single day, it does make sense that won’t just go- and I find it helpful to be able to pin point that.

Thank you for saying well done, I wanted to run every day and I was so scared- I didn’t do anything more than sit. I wish I could have stopped it or saved her.

I feel assured I will find the strength to work through this journey, I just don’t want to forget her and want to sit in the sadness for now to be close to her, even though that might be more painful. Does that even make sense.

Your response has been so appreciated, thank you for reaching out xxx

FormerMember over 6 years ago in reply to FormerMember

Everything you said makes sense but even if it doesn’t make sense to you just keep going, one day at a time. Don’t worry, you will never forget your Mum or the things she taught you x

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