Dreading New Year

Unfortunately earlier I had tech problems and my post disappeared but generally I was asking how everyone is doing, have you enjoyed some good weather, I know some had awful storms but I hope you weren't too badly effected.

I always say now my art is my safe place and I have been thinking about my friend lately and I ask him for some encouragment for my latest art project he is driving me forward with it a painting of his wife's new dog. I started art at the hospice where I attended with my friend and although he enjoyed just seating on the very comfortable chairs he kept coming up saying I am a natural, encouraging me, he also helped give me confidence to help some of the other patients in the hospice mainly in the day unit but I also brought art things and activities for the in patient ward I felt useful and I still help here and there and each time I hear my friend whispering in my ears to never give up no matter how frustrating life is. In this is a way loved ones watch over us and support us when a huge wave is trying to drown us they are there.

Sending big supportive hugs to all.

Hi all,

Thanks GBear for checking in. Sending my kindest thoughts to you all.

Sunshine, I really felt for you in that last post - lots going on there and none of it easy. Hope you are hanging in there at the moment.

I had my birthday last week, my first one without mum. Spent the day on my own at home and I needed the solitude: I had lots of tears to shed and I did lots of talking out loud to mum - prefer to do both in my own company! I took my dog for a nice long walk, did a bit of gardening and then I baked my cake. I mentioned before that mum was always my baking guru/goddess - she was amazing at it and she'd wanted to make me a cake this year. Anyway I tried a new recipe, and it came out so beautifully - I know she would have been very proud, and I'm pretty sure she was guiding my whisk :) Sorry I can't share a piece with you but here's a picture in lieu of the real thing:

Yum!

Also, I read something recently (in the book 'It's OK That You're Not OK') which really struck a chord, and I wanted to share with you all. It's a piece of creative writing by a someone on a course supporting bereaved people and for me it really hits on how special and powerful it can be to talk about our losses with people who have experienced loss as well:

"My heart is shattered, still. It is healing, slowly, in the ways that it can mend. It will always have holes in it, and maybe some other evidence of deep, painful loss, and it will never be the same as it was Before. It is both stronger and more fragile. More open, and still, closed off.
Our losses are different, but I recognise yours. I hear your words and feel pain because it all traces down to the same roots. I recognise your pain because I've felt my own. Our stories aren't the same and the name for our loss or our relationship might be different, but I want you to know I recognise your loss as true and real.
Above all else, I'd want you to feel your loss is validated. Accepted.
I hear you.
I bow to you"

I am really grateful to be heard by you all, thanks for sharing all the hard stuff and for being there with me in this.

Sending kind thoughts to you all. Look after yourselves

Xxx

Sorry GBear I meant to say, that's so nice that you think of your friend when you're working on your art - hearing his encouragement and support still is such a nice thing. Also I'm sorry the cake photo came out so huge, I didn't mean for it to look so vast!! Lol xxx

Wow , the cake is huge! But your Mum would definitely be very proud indeed. I hope you really enjoyed it too. The strawberries were a lovely touch to it too. Trying a new recipe is a challenge but you nailed it, I am virtually tucking in to it. I read somewhere where it says its OK to not be OK, but can't think where I read it and yes its so very true. Life nowadays has this weird notion that we should be OK in a set time scale and puts people under huge pressure that's unnecessary, we each heal in pur own time and have out own thoughts and triggers but ultimately we just have to say no I am not OK and that's OK. 

Big hugs to everyone

Hello lovely ladies,

Firstly so sorry for my complete radio silence the last few weeks - I’ve just felt like I wanted to have a break from the world of digital for a bit (I work in e-commerce, so just in the evenings) 

Been thinking about you all - you were never out of my thoughts. How is everyone doing? 

It’s a tough old journey this grief isn’t it. I’ve felt so many emotions over the last few weeks. Anger, resentment, very tearful, regretful and still, never able to see it coming or able to control. 

I’m still running. I fell over a couple of weeks ago - properly buggered up my knee! Wasn’t able to run for a week and wanted to call mum straight after it happened! I had my first positive 10K run last night - it’s taken 2 weeks of non enjoyable ones.

Hope you’re all ok. Lots of love always 

xxx

Hi Kate and all

Hope your knee is ok. Good to hear you had a positive 10k run. It certainly is a very tough journey that we are all on. All of a sudden the realisation of our loss just hits you. I tick all the emotions that you mentioned. I see something on the television and still think I must tell mum that, then realise I can’t. I miss the simple things in life with mum so much, especially the laughter - mum and me had the same sense of humour, when I laughed/smiled at something, I knew mum would be laughing too. 

Wishing you you all a peaceful week ahead

xx

Hey Kate. Xx

Totally get the range of emotions. Fab about the running. Sorry to hear about your knee. I have been gyming it. Not as much as I liked hope to increase it soon. Xx so mu h going on here. Xx

Best wishes

Xx

Hey Sunny43,

Hope your well. Yep I do that all the time too. My mum and I were very similar. Xx 

Hope you have a peaceful week too! Xxx

Ouch Kate, that sounds painful with your knee, but glad you got some running in that was really positive after the 2 weeks of non enjoyable ones, I bet your Mum was spurring you on and watching you with pride. 

Emotions, oh boy they are such a mix, I ended bursting into tears when I went for a meal with friends to celebrate my 40th, then felt very silly but I was mega overwhelmed, they have been my rock when I needed a steady rock to rest on then have help me every step of the way with my cancer diagnosis then my friends death. His wife well widow, is one of them she describes us all as family and its because we are all so close everyone of us in our group her brothers and sisters. They all have helped me and my friends wife to ride the emotional rolls coaster we are on. 

The thing is they understand, everyone here on site understands and that's what helps the most and its OK to say your not OK. I have had a rough few weeks but also had some fantastic experiences. My friends brought me a lion photography experience that I went last Friday it was amazing and i will try and share one of my photos from my phone as I haven't downloaded any from my camera yet, I can't store on my computer takes too much space do will put them on a memory stick but here's one to show you all.

Hey all, just needed an outlet. 

So here goes - 

So a year ago today, my beautiful mum died. My world was rocked to the core. It seems like yesterday, then so long since she was here. I miss her everyday and the pain is soooo hard. I've been trying hard, to live the life she wanted for me. Adjusting to a new norm, small steps each day. I know she be proud of us all. I just wish she was here to share the biggest hug with right now. Missing my best friend millions, today and everyday. Xx